Nothing But Trouble (1991)
Dan Aykroyd: Judge Alvin 'J.P' Valkenheiser, Bobo
Photos
Quotes
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J.P. : You might be interested to know that you are *not* under the jurisdiction of just any old fishing license dispenser and stamp pad jockey! We've always been set to deal with the offenders *once* and for all at their first appearance! Quick as sump grease through a ten-year old goose!
[whistles]
Chris Thorne : Congratulations, I'm glad to know thing are running smoothly for you.
[lights a cigar]
J.P. : [bellows] PUT OUT THAT DOG ROCKET!
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Bobo : Hi! I'm Bobo, that's Lil' Debbull!
L'il Debbull : Hi, we're not allowed inside the house!
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J.P. : I'm of the school that believes that the last 30 seconds of a person's life ought to have a little zip in them!
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Chris Thorne : Alvin, I was just thinking you've got enough vintage steel around here to make a few thousand Toyotas. Ever think of selling the whole place to the Japanese?
J.P. : There you go. Does the Pope wear a hat? Was Sergeant York's mother an angel? And will a banker grope for money?
Chris Thorne : I'm not a banker, I'm a financial publisher.
J.P. : Well, all I know is in '17 after they shipped me off to fight, some New York financier rolled in here one day and hog-glowsered and tub-wankled my grandfather into mining out the whole town in exchange for shares in something called the United Coke Company. Do you know what those stock certificates are worth today?
[shouts]
J.P. : JUST ABOUT THE FINEST OUTHOUSE WALLPAPER YOU'VE EVER SEEN! We were forced to become what you drove through today; a burnt out coal field and the biggest icebox graveyard this side of the Ohio foundry belt! And that's why I *never* let a banker go!
Fausto : So your grandpa made a lousy deal, is that our problem?
Diane Lightson : Judge, that's a very tragic, tragic story.
J.P. : I believe it is.
Renalda : You should do a book.
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J.P. : If it was an ambulance you got a chance, if it's in a hearse, it's gotta be worse!
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J.P. : [asking about Chris' job] Banker?
Chris Thorne : No, not banker. Financial publisher. "Thorne Weekly"?
J.P. : OK, banker.
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J.P. : [Chris tries to hit him in the thigh] I left that leg in France... and now, I'M GONNA STICK YOU! I'm gonna dig so many new holes in you, you're gonna look like a salt shaker!
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Diane Lightson : Let's just be quiet and let him do his little thing and we'll be on our way.
J.P. : Oh, I will let you be on your way, and when you go...
[bellows]
J.P. : THE CAT'S EYES'LL SPIN! NOW, LISTEN!
Chris Thorne : OK, we'll listen!
J.P. : [calm again] Hey, hey, ha! Ho ha! Heh heh heh heh! Hoola, Hoola, Hoola! The Boola Boola Boola! Look who's got the front seats to the Mexican hat dance now! Just like a bunch of spiders in a birthday cake!
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J.P. : Welcome to supper! How 'bout a nice Hawaiian Punch?
Chris Thorne : Thank you, Judge. You know, there's nothing better at the end of a long day on the road than a nice warm glass of Hawaiian Punch.
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Bobo : [the three are playing cards] If I win, I get... another bowl of cereal!
L'il Debbull : If I win, I get... Diane!
Diane Lightson : [cutesy] No, L'il Debbull
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Chris Thorne : Come on, death for running a stop sign?
J.P. : *And* for being a banker! That's the double death.
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J.P. : Y'know, you are worse than a week of yellow shitstorms.
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J.P. : You really put the pin in the party hog now, girl!
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J.P. : No choice now but house policy.
J.P. : Fine, house policy! *What's* house policy?
Chris Thorne : Well, whatever man she touches is the one she keeps!
Chris Thorne : Aw, no!
[Eldona carries him off happily]
Chris Thorne : Oh, come on, all I did run a goddamn stoplight! I just want to get to Atlantic City!
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[Eldona is about to throw Diane into an oil well after being chased by Bobo and L'il Debbull]
L'il Debbull : Eldona's got her, that's good.
Bobo : That's not good!
L'il Debbull : No, that's not good!
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J.P. : [at the dinner table, a meat grinder makes a whining noise like a dog] How do you like your dog?
Diane Lightson : They're serving dog?
J.P. : Oh, no, no, no, *hot* dogs, *hot* dogs. Dutch country, prized Hereford winners.
Diane Lightson : [relieved] Oh! Hot dogs!
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J.P. : Get yer Eye-talian loafers outta my bedpan!
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J.P. : Go suck a bug.
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Chris Thorne : You may kiss the bride.
Chris Thorne : Oh, not in front of all these people, your honor.
J.P. : [yelling] NOW!
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Bobo : You're the one who's fat!
L'il Debbull : Not as fat as you!
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J.P. : Where's that no-good, dog-food-eatin' grandson of mine?... DENNIS!
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J.P. : [asking Chris if he takes Eldona to be his wife]
Chris Thorne : [stuttering] I di...
J.P. : Pardon?
Chris Thorne : [stuttering] bu...
J.P. : What?
Chris Thorne : [stuttering] I can'...
J.P. : Speak up!
Chris Thorne : [sweating] I do. I do.
