Peter's Friends (1992)

Rita Rudner: Carol Benson

Photos 

Quotes 

• [offering to give Maggie a make-over] 

  Carol : Maggie, you are a very pretty girl.

  Maggie : No, I'm not.

  Carol : Yes, you are.

  Maggie : No, I'm not.

  Carol : Yes! But you make Mother Teresa look like a hooker.

• Carol : You know what I hate the most about being a public figure?

  Andrew : What?

  Carol : The public.

• Carol : I am not angry. I am just embarrassed. Is there anyone else down there you used to sleep with?

  Andrew : It was 10 years ago! Christ, 10 years ago, you were married to someone else.

  Carol : That is not the point. I did not try to keep it a secret.

  Andrew : I didn't try and keep it a secret. I just didn't think it was worth mentioning.

  Carol : Didn't think it was worth mentioning? You were ENGAGED to that FUCK-MONSTER down there and you didn't think it was worth MENTIONING?

  Andrew : No, I didn't!

  Carol : So she WAS a fuck-monster.

  Andrew : I did NOT say that!

  Carol : You did not DENY it!

• Carol : Do you have any Equal?

  Peter : I'm sorry, I'm famous for having no equal.

• Andrew : [Struggling with Carol's suitcase]  What the fuck have you got in here? Weights?

  Carol : Yes.

• Carol : [giving Vera a £5 note as a bribe]  Why don't you do me a baked potato, steam me a few carrots and grill me a piece of chicken without the skin?

  Vera , Paul's Mom : [returning the £5 note]  Why don't you go down to the shops, buy whatever you want and cook it yourself?

  Carol : Did you never see "Upstairs, Downstairs"?

• Maggie : [explaining her disastrous come-on to Peter]  I went upstairs and threw my clothes off.

  Carol : That's direct. What'd he say?

  Maggie : [beginning to sob]  He said he wasn't in the vagina business.

  Carol : [taken aback]  That's direct too... Has Peter ever been in the vagina business?

  Maggie : Yes. He slept with Sarah!

  Carol : Oh, there's a surprise. Was she engaged to Peter too?

  Maggie : No, they just had a brief affair.

• Carol : Thank you very much for dinner, Peter. I enjoyed watching it.

• Andrew : I can't believe Sarah. She seems to exist on a diet of fresh air and bonking!

  Carol : You should know!

• [Carol is exercising vigorously on the kitchen floor] 

  Maggie : What are you doing?

  Carol : Donkey kicks. I've eaten every thing in the place, and I'm trying to work it off before morning. I used to be bulimic. A year ago, I'd be in the bathroom throwing it all up. I'm much healthier now!

• [Peter has explained to Carol that she and Andrew are in his room, and should be in the one next to it] 

  Carol : If this was my house, I'd want the best room too.

  [Picks up one bag] 

  Carol : Andrew, bags!

  [She leaves] 

  Andrew : She's fine when she's asleep

  Carol : [from hallway]  I heard that!

• Carol : [doing aerobics]  I could FEEL the cellulite building up on me on the plane. I wonder if any airlines have planes with gyms ON them.

  Andrew : It's funny. I was gonna suggest we flew Gym Air, but I thought you'd prefer a plane with a seat.

  Carol : I think a gym on a plane is a GOOD idea.

  Andrew : And that's what makes you, you, darling.

  Carol : Now, you promised you'd be nicer to me on this trip.

  Andrew : That's cuz I thought we'd be getting away from it all. I didn't realize you were gonna bring it all with you.

  Carol : You'd love me less if I were fat.

  Andrew : [hesitates, about to speak, sighs]  I think I'll take a walk.

• Carol : Look at this armoire! Is it real?

  Andrew : No, its imaginary!

• [Paul, Brian and the chauffeur have brought Carol's bags into the room] 

  Carol : [handing some money to the chauffeur]  Thank you.

  The Benson's Chauffeur : [accepts the money]  Thank you, madam.

  [leaves] 

  Carol : [handing some money to Paul]  Thank you.

  Paul : [accepts the money]  Oh, Ta.

  [Leaves] 

  Carol : [holding out some money to Brian]  Thank you.

  Brian, Sarah's Escort : [holding his hands up]  No, no, I'm a guest.

  Carol : [puzzled]  A guest? Then, why did you carry my bags?

  Brian, Sarah's Escort : I don't know.

  [Leaves] 

• Carol : [when offered wine]  Oh, none for me and none for him.

  [she points to her husband, Andrew] 

  Carol : We're A.A.

• Andrew : [Carol's going back to LA]  I thought we were going to work on it?

  Carol : Well, if I thought for one second that you intended to try!

  Andrew : I see. You know there's nothing between me and Sarah.

  Carol : I know Sarah's not the problem. You're mad at you. Goodbye, sugar.

• Carol : I was married to a Bisexual.

  Maggie : What happened?

  Carol : He left me. For another woman, the ultimate put down.

• Maggie : I've just come down to drink myself into a coma.

  Carol : Get turned down by Peter?

  Maggie : [Crying]  Oh, it was awful! I just wanted to kill myself!

• Carol : Therapists call me for advice.