I Love Lucy (TV Series)

The Black Wig (1954)

Vivian Vance: Ethel Mertz

Quotes 

• Ethel Mertz : [Lucy is furious that Ricky flirted with her in a black Italian-cut wig, pretending not to know her]  It's a terrible thing to say about anybody, but I guess Ricky's just a man.

  Lucy Ricardo : Yeah, well, I'll get even with him.

  Ethel Mertz : What are you gonna do?

  Lucy Ricardo : I'll leave him. No, that's probably what he wants.

  Ethel Mertz : Yeah, stay married to him. That'll teach him!

• Lucy Ricardo : [Lucy and Ethel, in disguises, arrive at Tony's restaurant to settle a score with Ricky and Fred]  Oh, waiter. pardon me, please... We, uh, have an appointment with a couple of gentlemen. Have you seen them?

  Waiter : What do they look like?

  Lucy Ricardo : Well, uh, one is tall, dark and handsome and speaks with an accent, and the other is, um, uh, the other is, uh...

  Ethel Mertz : There's only one way to say it: short, fat and bald.

  Waiter : Oh, yeah, they were here.

  Lucy Ricardo : *Were* here?

  Waiter : [he points to his left]  There were two young ladies sitting at that table. Beautiful! A blonde and a redhead. They got talking, then they all got up and, uh, left together.

  Lucy Ricardo : [starts to cry]  Oh, Ethel.

  Ethel Mertz : [also crying]  Oh, Lucy.

  Lucy Ricardo : It's all our fault. If we hadn't made a date to meet 'em here, they wouldn't have met those other girls... You know what? I wish I was dead.

  Ethel Mertz : You know what? I wish you was dead, too.