The Lucy Show (TV Series)

Lucy Gets Jack Benny's Account (1967)

Jack Benny: Jack Benny

Quotes 

• [Jack Benny is opening a bank account] 

  Mr. Theodore J. Mooney : Your social security number?

  Jack Benny : One.

  Mr. Theodore J. Mooney : Do you have any scars or identifying marks?

  Jack Benny : Well... yes, I have a tattoo done many years ago.

  Mr. Theodore J. Mooney : What does it say?

  [embarrassed, Jack whispers in Mr. Mooney's ear] 

  Mr. Theodore J. Mooney : J-e-l-l-o?

  Jack Benny : You see, I had to. In those days, sponsors were hard to come by.

• [a school of fish devour a leg of beef in one of Lucy's traps] 

  Jack Benny : What happened?

  Lucy Carmichael : Piranha fish.

  Jack Benny : Piranha fish? Why, what a picnic they'd have with Jackie Gleason. You know, by the time he could say, 'And away we go,' he'd be gone.

• Jack Benny : Oh boy, this quicksand is the cleverest idea I've ever heard!

  Lucy Carmichael : I'm glad you like it. You know, I think it's even better than your shark-filled moat.

  Jack Benny : And cheaper! You don't have to feed them.