Rumpole has ruined his hearth rug at home, through his habit of throwing lighted stubs into the fire - and missing. Hilda demands a new rug - and Harrods have a nice example at £100! Rumpole retorts that with the bank account on the cusp of overdraft, that's out of the question - which problem Hilda places in Rumpole's hands to solve!
In chambers, Rumpole has a welcome surprise - he's won £100 on a horse! Now he has the money for the hearth rug.
Meanwhile, we see two Timsons engaged in an activity somewhat more ambitious than their usual petty larceny - robbing a bank! But Dennis Timson (the late Ron Pember) and Cyril Timson (much missed Michael Robbins better known as Arthur in 'On the Buses') encounter a bank guard; a shot rings out and the guard falls (we later find out he was shot in the foot.) In the confusion the Timsons are caught but the bank has been robbed.
Rumpole is to defend Dennis whilst Phyllida defends Cyril. It's not clear why this is happening given Rumpole's record for the clan, but most likely because each intends to blame the other and there would be a conflict of interest. The mutual blaming is called a 'cutthroat' defence and the likely outcome are punitive jail time for one or both.
At the outset Dennis is anticipating a long spell inside but hearing about Rumpole's win at the track he offers him a four-horse accumulator bet on races in the coming days which will transform his £100 win into £330,000 if it comes off! When he explains that he has little time to get to a bookies, Timson explains that one of the prison wardens at the Bailey frequently lays bets for prisoners. Rumpole begins to dream of retirement. He lays the bet through the warder.
In Court, Hearthstoke - last seen earlier in the series in 'Judges Elbow' being blackmailed out of chambers by Rumpole with evidence that he frequented massage parlours- is prosecuting. We also see him cosying up to Phyllida in the bar afterwards with a view to what Rumpole refers to as 'Hanky-Panky' with Phyllida. Phyllida seems keen. Hearthstoke (referred to by Rumpole as 'Hearthrug' even in Court) - is handsome and Phyllida is fed up with Claude's attempted dalliances with other women. Hearthstoke angles for a return to Equity Court to facilitate his affair.
The case itself isn't going well for the Timsons as the 'cutthroat' defence takes place. However, the accumulator bet edges closer and closer to fruition as Rumpole peruses the evening papers ravenously, his elation visibly growing. He intends to retire to the Seychelles and watch the sea with Hilda from a veranda.
Rumpole is angry that the police didn't check the crime scene or the gun for fingerprints other than the Timsons (who wore gloves) for the prints of previously convicted felons. The police inspector is understandably reluctant to help his erstwhile tormentor but agrees when a confident-in-financial success Rumpole promises that this is his last case and won't bother him again! The inspector checks the scene - and comes up with those of 'Peanuts' Molloy - from a family which is nemesis to the Timsons - who fired the shot and robbed the bank in the confusion.
To top it all, Rumpole's last horse wins and assured of the massive windfall, Rumpole commences a speech telling Judge Bullingham - after years of his negative influences on his cases - precisely what he thinks of him, unconcerned by the professional consequences (probably disbarment). He stops halfway through when the information arrives of the new police findings.
The case against the Timsons collapses and they each receive just two years (instead of 14) for attempted burglary.
At chambers, Henry and Diane beg him to save them from another advent of Hearthstoke. Now in expansive mood, on a victorious high, Rumpole rapidly accomplishes this by assuring Hearthstoke that Phyllida wants to move in with him with her children! Hearthstoke withdraws his application rapidly.
As he leaves the Bailey, Rumpole finds is warder is off till next day.
Still in high spirits, Rumpole celebrates in Pomeroys, what he anticipates will be his retirement do. Phyllida tells him that she interceded with Judge Bullingham - telling him that Rumpole had intended the second half of his speech to laud him to the skies - to prevent him taking action against Rumpole. It helped that Bullingham was salivating over Phyllida (somewhat disconcerting to see this elderly, plainly sick gentleman spluttering over a lady decades younger - very sadly Bill Fraser passed later in the year, this was one of his last parts).
Rumpole imparts the news that he has saved Phyllida from 'a fate worse than death' - or at least, saved her marriage - and greets her husband Claude expansively- "I wandered lonely as a Claude"
But Claude bears an apparently garbled phone message to chambers from someone. It's from somebody at London Airport apologising to Rumpole.
The warder who placed the bet has absconded abroad with the winnings!
Cancelling the bottle of best champagne he had ordered, Rumpole returns sadly home to find that Hilda had purchased her £100 hearth rug on credit. And he has to contend with the fact that the he cannot keep that promise he made to the police inspector....
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