The Vicar of Dibley (TV Series)

Autumn (1999)

Dawn French: Geraldine Granger

Photos 

Quotes 

• David Horton : So what are you doing on Saturday?

  Geraldine : I'll be working on my Simon - Sermon!

  [In reference to David's brother] 

  David Horton : Oh, What's your text?

  Geraldine : Uhmmm... Sermon on the Mount, I hope.

  David Horton : [Later]  Perhaps you can come for lunch on Sunday. Good old fashion pork on the menu.

  Geraldine : I believe I'll be having that on Saturday...

• Frank Pickle : [Frank and Jim have just found out that Geraldine is planning to sleep with Simon]  Good luck vicar, I think he'll make you very happy.

  Geraldine : Aw, thank you Frank.

  Jim Trott : And if he doesn't I'll have a go.

• Jim : We're sorry to trouble you at this time, Vicar. It's just that you know when you said that if we had a serious problem that should come and see you.

  Geraldine : [uneasy]  Yes

  Frank Pickle : [serious]  We need to see you now. Desperately.

  Geraldine : [Geraldine begins to feel for them]  Of course guys, of course. Come on in. Make yourself at home. Have a seat. Now tell me, what's the problem?

  Jim : [shows a crossword]  It's Seven Down.

• Geraldine : You know, I've been thinking. I don't think it is such a mortal sin these days, for an umarried Vicar to have sex. You know, as long as she doesn't rub her parishioner's noses in it.

  Alice : Rub her parishioner's noses in what?

  Geraldine : In the sex.

  Alice : I'm starting to feel a bit sick...

  Geraldine : Yeah, yeah, forget it, forget it.

• Alice : I've done the test and it said I wasn't pregnant. The hamster didn't turn blue or anything.

  Geraldine : Not sure I'm altogether familiar with this particular pregnancy test.

  Alice : Oh yes, it's the way we've always done it in Dibley. You get a hamster, and you wee on it. And if it turns blue, you're pregnant.

• Alice : I just hope Hugo doesn't go off me now.

  Geraldine : Why would he go off you, you stupid little idiot?

  Alice : I don't know, I might lose my female sexual allure. I'm already putting on weight. I've put on four pounds in the last month, that's a pound a week. If I go on at this rate by the time I'm fifty I'll weigh 82 stone which is more than a walrus, and I don't want to look like a walrus.

  Geraldine : Alice, you haven't been feeling sick at all, have you?

  Alice : Yeah, every single morning.

• Simon : Why don't we just say that that was the autumn that was and let's just see what winter brings.

  Reverend Geraldine Granger : Yeah. Either that or "get out of my house you treacherous gigantic elongated bastard". Ah, but no. Probably the autumny-wintry metaphor is much nicer. Much nicer for you.

• [showing photos from their honeymoon to Geraldine] 

  Alice : This is a nice woman we met on the plane. She was a bit tired when we got to Turkey so Hugo was ever so nice and carried her case through customs.

  Geraldine : Right, I think I can anticipate the next picture.

  Alice : That's customs opening the suitcase.

  Geraldine : Wow! How much cocaine is that, Hugo?

  Hugo : I'm told a street value of £82 million.

  Alice : Still, they let him go the minute they realized he was innocent.

  Geraldine : Which was?

  Alice : Er... 14 months later.

• Geraldine : Fancy some ice cream?

  Simon : Yes please.

  Geraldine : What flavour?

  Simon : What have you got?

  Geraldine : You don't want to ask that question.

  Simon : Why?

  Geraldine : Cos I just got myself a brand new freezer.

  [Indicates a commercial sized display freezer stocked full of tubs of ice cream] 

  Geraldine : Yum yum yum!

• [Having been ditched by Simon, Geraldine is sitting on the floor of her kitchen in her pyjamas, miserably eating ice cream. Alice is by her side] 

  Alice : How are you?

  Geraldine : I think I've eaten a little bit too much ice cream.

  Alice : Oh. How much?

  [Geraldine sighs. Alice notices that the giant freezer is now empty except for one very small tub] 

  Alice : Oh, right!

• Geraldine : [On hearing that Alice has been sick every morning]  Well, in that case, young lady, I think I've got some very important news for you.

  Alice : I've qualified for the Vomit Olympics?

  Geraldine : No, no, no! The truth is, my dearest darlingest little verger, I think you might be pregnant!

  [Alice gasps] 

  Alice : But no, no, no, that can't be right.

  Geraldine : You mean you haven't... actually...?

  Alice : [Coyly]  No, no - we've certainly played the odd round of Hide the Purple Parsnip!

• Geraldine : David! Let joy be unconfined. But I am NOT playing scrabble.

• Alice : [Through the letter box]  I've got something to show you.

  Geraldine : Well, if it isn't your Uncle Simon's testicles on a skewer I don't want to know!

• Geraldine : So, how is married life, little miss cokey donkey? Everything all right in the bedroom?

  Alice : Nice. We had a bit of trouble early on, you know, couldn't quite work out what went in where.

  Geraldine : Well, that's always tricky.

  Alice : You know, once we got a wardrobe, we were fine.

• Alice : Just think, once you're married, you can go to bed together too, which is absolutely scrummy.

  Geraldine : So I'm told.

  Alice : Though it isn't scrummy if you're not married, of course, 'cause then you go to hell and all your bits drop off.

  Geraldine : Well, not necessarily.

  Alice : You know all that. You know all about eternal damnation and pneumatic drills in your brain tissue if you so much as look upon a man with lust. Especially as a vicar. God would probably have to strangle you with his bare hands.

• Geraldine : Apparently, they've come up with a new low-fat communion wafer.

  Alice : That's good news.

  Geraldine : Yeah, they've called it, "I Can't Believe it's not Jesus."

• Geraldine : No more problems then?

  Jim : Well, I just found out that my wife is having sex with her cousin Brenda, but that will keep till the morning.

• Jim : Need any condoms?

  Geraldine : No, thank you, Jim.

  Jim : I always carry half a dozen in case I get lucky.