The Simpsons (TV Series)
Burns' Heir (1994)
Harry Shearer: Mr. Burns, Smithers, Principal Skinner, Judge Snyder, Scratchy
Photos
Quotes
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Milhouse : [auditioning to become Burns's heir] I have nothing to offer you but my love.
Mr. Burns : I specifically said, no geeks!
Milhouse : But my mom says I'm cool!
Nelson : Gimme your fortune or I'll pound your withered old face in!
Mr. Burns : Ooh, I like his energy. Put him on the callback list.
Martin Prince : [singing] Clang, clang, clang, went the trolley / Ring, ring, ring, went the bell / Zing, Zing, Zing, went my heartstrings...
[Nelson cold-cocks him]
Mr. Burns : Thank you! Give the bully an extra point.
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[Mr. Burns shows Bart "CCTV" footage of the Simpsons to prove that they no longer love him]
Actor Homer : [stilted] I do not miss Bart at all.
Actress Marge : I am glad he's gone.
Actor Lisa : As am I.
Actor Homer : [drops sandwich] B'oh!
Bart : It's probably my imagination, but something about them didn't seem quite right.
Mr. Burns : Really? Excuse me for just a moment.
[Mr. Burns walks from the control room out into a studio where cameras have been set up along with a fake living room of the Simpsons' place]
Mr. Burns : [clapping for attention] People, that was all wrong! Homer Simpson doesn't say "B'oh", he says...
[checks script]
Mr. Burns : "D'oh!"
["Marge" and "Homer" take off their rubber masks to reveal a cigarette-smoking actress and someone who looks suspiciously like Michael Caine]
Michael Caine : Sorry, M.B., but I'm having trouble with this character. Is he supposed to have some sort of neurological impairment, like "Rain Man" or "Awakenings"? I mean, what the hell am I doin' here?
Actress : And this dialogue has none of the wit and sparkle of "Murphy Brown".
["Lisa" pulls off her mask to reveal a cigar-smoking, male Estonian Dwarf]
Estonian Dwarf : Hey, you know we're getting into golden time?
Mr. Burns : Yes, well, do it right, or you'll all go back to doing "Come Blow Your Horn" at the Westport Dinner Theater.
[the actors collectively groan as Mr. Burns returns to the control room]
Mr. Burns : [to Bart] Alright, then. Let's see what the Simpson family is up to, now.
[turns the monitor back on to show the "family"]
Actor Homer : [drops sandwich again] Duh-oh!
Bart : [sadly] Hmm. That's them, alright.
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Deprogrammer : Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, your son has clearly been brainwashed by the evil and charismatic Mr. Burns.
Marge Simpson : Are you sure you can get him back for us?
Deprogrammer : Absolutely. I'm the one who successfully deprogrammed Jane Fonda, you know.
Marge Simpson : What about Peter Fonda?
Deprogrammer : Oh, that was a heartbreaker. But I did get Paul McCartney out of Wings.
Homer : You idiot! He was the most talented one.
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Mr. Burns : All right, let's make this sporting, Leonard. If you can tell me why I shouldn't fire you without using the letter "e," you can keep your job.
Lenny : Uh, okay. I'm a good... work... guy...
Mr. Burns : You're fired.
Lenny : But I didn't say...
Mr. Burns : You will.
[pulls a lever, dropping Lenny down a trapdoor]
Lenny : EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
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[a stone suddenly crashes through Burns' library glass window, landing at his feet. He picks it up]
Mr. Burns : Oh, look. A bird has become petrified and lost its sense of direction.
Waylon Smithers : I think it is a rock, sir.
Mr. Burns : We'll see what the lab has to say about that.
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[the Simpsons hire Lionel Hutz - also advertising "expert shoe repair" to represent them in a custody battle with Burns over Bart]
Judge Snyder : [bangs gavel] The Court rules in favor of Mr. Burns. I find he is clearly the boy's biological father!
Lionel Hutz : [hammers a nail] Excuse me, Judge, these won't be ready until Thursday.
Marge Simpson : [to Homer] You know, we've really got to stop hiring him.
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Mr. Burns : [after Bart knocks Smithers unconscious with a rock] I like him a lot.
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Bart Simpson : Um... I think I'd like to go home.
Mr. Burns : If you stay, you can have anything you want to eat, even some sort of gelatin dish. It's made from hooves, you know.
Bart Simpson : Okay... I want pizza. And I want it served by Krusty the Clown!
[Time passes. Krusty bursts into the room in a sweatband and shorts holding Bart's pizza]
Krusty : Hey-hey! It's Krusty the Pizza Man!
[does his laugh as he hands the pizza to Bart; he then turns to Burns]
Krusty : All right, where's my 400 bucks?
Bart Simpson : Hey, wait. How can you be here when your show's on live?
Krusty : Ah, I just threw on an old rerun. No one will know the difference.
[cuts to an episode of "Krusty the Clown" with Krusty juggling to happy clown music. He is then handed a piece of paper from an off-screen crew member]
Krusty : [addressing the audience] Children, remain calm. The Falkland Islands have just been invaded. I repeat, the Falklands have just been invaded!
[pulls down a map of the Falklands]
Krusty : The disputed islands lie here, off the coast of Argentina.
[At Burns' mansion, Krusty groans]