Nostalgia Critic (TV Series)

Full House (2009)

Doug Walker: Nostalgia Critic, The Olsen Twins

Quotes 

• Nostalgia Critic : [about Full House]  You know what this is? This is the life of people in picture frames. No issues, no real dilemmas, just a bunch of cuddly inconveniences. This family makes Norman Rockwell look BUTCH. Grow some balls, will ya!

• Danny : [to D.J]  But you've still got me.

  Stephanie : You've got me too.

  Nostalgia Critic : And me.

  Linkara : And me.

  Benzaie : And me.

  That Chick with the Goggles : And me.

  Angry Joe : And me.

• Nostalgia Critic : For those of you blessed without the knowledge of this show, I'll fill you in. "Full House" ran in the late '80s and the early '90s on ABC's Friday lineup, TGIF, which usually had about four family-friendly sitcoms that always got called back toward depressing reality by ending with "20/20". Thank you, Hugh Downs.

• [the Critic looks closely at a label on Michelle's shirt, which reads "Manufactured by Planet Volplax"] 

  Nostalgia Critic : OH MY GOD! The Olsen twins are mutant alien robots bent on world domination! I knew it all along!

• Nostalgia Critic : Knowing Bob Saget the way we know him now, this is actually really funny to watch. Anyone who watches Bob Saget's standup knows that he is a raunchy, raunchy man. And you know that saying all this family-friendly bullshit is probably just killing him. In fact, let's compare Dan Tanner and Bob Saget for a second, shall we?

  [Bob Saget as Danny is shown] 

  Danny : I know exactly how you feel. And I know how much you girls miss your mother.

  Bob Saget : [doing standup]  I banged half the girls in the room, and that is fucking... Not true, I have not banged anyone here. I've stuck my pinkie in your butts, a couple of you.

  Danny : She was devastated. It broke my heart to see the tears in her eyes.

  Bob Saget : Fuck that shit. No, thanks, I'm good. Do not... Kids, don't fuck that shit, you'll get an infection. You listen to me.

  Nostalgia Critic : Dan Tanner? Blow. Bob Saget?

  [imitating the Joker] 

  Nostalgia Critic : You... are my number-one... guy!

• Nostalgia Critic : [about Michelle]  I guess this was the character who stole the show, or would, if there was anything of value to steal. For some reason, the Olsen twins really took off and made a video series that literally transformed them into millionaires. I swear it also transformed them into Barbie dolls, but to be fair, I think the dolls were a little less plastic.

• [in realizing that the Olsen twins are alien robots bent on world domination, the Critic goes out to warn the world, only to run into - the twins themselves] 

  Olsen Twins : [creepy voices]  Come play with us, Critic... Come play with us... Come play with us, Critic... Forever and ever and ever and ever...

  Nostalgia Critic : [terrified, pulls out a gun]  *TWIIIIIIINS!*

  [he fires the gun at the twins' heads, blowing them up] 

  Nostalgia Critic : ... I did it. They're dead. Can you believe them, trying to take over the world?

  M. Bison : Of course!

  Nostalgia Critic : Of course. Well, seeing as they are in fact dead, I'll just turn around and return to my regular duties... 'cause, you know, they're dead. It's not like they're going to pop up anywhere, anywhere else especially on my way back to the room. So, I'm just going to make that turn that I talked about just a second ago. And here I go.

  [he does a dramatic behind and finds... nothing] 

  Nostalgia Critic : You see? Nothing there.

  Olsen Twins : [suddenly appearing again]  Uh-huh.

  Nostalgia Critic : So, I'll just go back to work and...

  [He suddenly stammers as he realizes the twins are alive again and start attacking him] 

• Nostalgia Critic : [looking irritated]  I really hope you people appreciate what I do for you, 'cause let me tell you, it's not always easy.

  [gets frustrated] 

  Nostalgia Critic : The stupid-ass shit that I gotta sit through is just...

  [calmer] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Well, it's not always fun. I mean, a bad movie is one thing; that's, like, two hours. But to watch episode upon episode of manufactured pwescious shit, or "pweshit", as I like to call it, quite often, it's just more than I can bear. The only upside I have is that I get to share my misery with the people who requested it in the first place. With that said... "Full House".

• Nostalgia Critic : So, what's the story you're pleading me not to tell you? Well, the world's raunchiest family icon, Bob Saget, plays a character named Dan, who just lost his wife to the always horrible... insert-name-here disease. He lives in San Francisco with his three daughters: DJ, Stephanie, and Michelle, played by the pair of twins often mistaken for talented, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. But raising three girls is tough! So Dan calls upon a guitar player who is not cool and a comedian who is not funny. The mullet mimbo known as Jesse played by John Stamos, who is also Danny's brother-in-law, and Joey played by Dave Coulier. And if you think there's anything odd about three prissy guys living in a house with no women, you've clearly never been to San Francisco.

• Nostalgia Critic : Now most shows often have a theme or pattern, but in "Full House"'s case, it's more like an overused manipulative plot device. And trust me when I say, they have several. Like how about that corny music that would play whenever a speech is being made.

  [shows clips of the show involving speeches and sappy music to go with them] 

  Nostalgia Critic : It's not like the actual emotion of the scene is enough to carry it, so we have to play shitty-ass music to let you know when to feel something. God, what I wouldn't give to hear that sappy ass music over a scene that didn't require it.

  [looks offscreen] 

  Nostalgia Critic : Stephanie...

  [sappy music plays as he speaks] 

  Nostalgia Critic : ... there's a time in every girl's life when she notices that she's going through some changes. They might seem bizarre or strange to you, but it happens to every young woman. It's called having a period. It's gross, disgusting and unnatural but its something that all females go through. You may see your body as something possessed, horrifying, or despicable, and that's because it is. Stop it. Right now.

• Nostalgia Critic : [about Joey]  You know that guy from the Police Academy movies? The one who did all those incredible sound effects? Dave Coulier is nothing like that guy.

• [in the final episode, tragedy strikes as Michelle falls off her horse and is hospitalized] 

  Nostalgia Critic : So Michelle wakes up, but unfortunately has a bad case of amnesia. Actually, what am I talking about? That's not unfortunate at all. I wish I had that right now.