Masterminds (2015)

Zach Galifianakis: David Ghantt

Photos 

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Quotes 

• David Ghantt : You farted right into my butt hole. It's like a fart transplant.

• David Ghantt : [after David's gun discharges in the back of his waistband]  It feels like it just grazed my biscuits, right there in betwixt 'em.

• David Ghantt : I'm starting to feel like a corn dog at a hot dog party, and it ain't flattering, I'll tell you that.

• Jandice : A couple years back, I was at a youth praise concert at church, and I saw the most handsome man that I had ever seen in the world. He was looking right at me. We went on a date, and then we fell very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very deeply in love. And then he died. Snake bite. At his funeral, I was very, very distraught. I couldn't keep myself together. And I saw this... other man. A distant cousin of the deceased. He was a pallbearer, and he was kinda strugglin' to hold up his end of the casket.

  David Ghantt : I had a hard time liftin' it up.

  Jandice : In any case, we got to talkin' afterwards, and I thought, well, that one's dead, this one's alive. I'll take the live one. Now, here we are, two years later.

• David Ghantt : [voice over]  Steve was a petty thief, mostly known for stealing tiny wheelchairs from pediatric hospitals.

• David Ghantt : [puzzled by the blood on Kelly's breast]  Why isn't it milk?

• Mike McKinney : I got another job.

  David Ghantt : No kiddin', what are you doin'?

  Mike McKinney : Tax preparation.

  David Ghantt : Oh, are ya? That's nice.

  Mike McKinney : Naw, I'm just foolin'. It's gonna be more murder.

• Runny : Please, don't shoot. I've got kids.

  David Ghantt : Yeah? Do your kids know you're a lying, cheating sack of filth?

  Runny : Well... I just haven't found the right moment to tell 'em.

• Kelly Campbell : We could hop on over to Brazil. You ever been to Rio?

  David Ghantt : I've never even been to the airport but about twice in my life.

  Kelly Campbell : Oh, it's a real magical place.

  David Ghantt : Yeah. All those planes landin' and takin' off and such.

  Kelly Campbell : No, Rio.

  David Ghantt : Oh, Rio, yeah, yeah.

• David Ghantt : [coughing on a bite of churro]  No, that's alright, I'm just choking on my cholo.

• David Ghantt : Brace your boobies.

• David Ghantt : I look like if Jesus and a cat had a baby.

• David Ghantt : I'd rob a funeral home for you.

• David Ghantt : One-four-three, Kelly Campbell.

• Steve Chambers : What should I call you, sir?

  Steve Chambers : Nothing. You don't ever need to see me or know my name. You can refer to me as Geppetto.

  David Ghantt : Geppetto?

  Steve Chambers : Yeah, Geppetto. As in Pinnochio. As in, I pull the strings.

  David Ghantt : I think he means Stromboli.

  Steve Chambers : What did you call me?

  David Ghantt : Nothin'. I just think you mean Stromboli. Geppetto was just a woodcarver. Stromboli was the puppeteer.

• David Ghantt : I'm right here, sugar bush. Don't worry about a thing.

• David Ghantt : Sometimes the only way out... is through.