Animus Reviews

Amityville Horror: The Evil Escapes (1989 TV Movie)

Absolutely terrible

[1/10 · 14 January 2024]

The orginal movie was pretty good, the follow up movies have gotten prgressively worse over the years and this one is scraping the the bottom of the barrel. To be honest it's so bad that I didn't even know it existed until recently and I only watched it because it was free. Even so I want a refund on the time I spent watching this dumpser fire of a film. Family Guy summed it up what a terrible concept it was in 30 seconds 10 years later is one of the lamer jokes of the series. A huanted lamp? Really? Sure it's not as bad as a haunted tire or a haunted toy monkey but it's still awful. IF you paid to see this in any way, shape or form, you should consider a lawsuit against the production company for mental anguish.

Our Flag Means Death (2022–2023)

Hysterical yet depressing at times

[8/10 · 12 January 2024]

Our Flag Means Death is a wonderful show. The main character 'Stede' is a monied gentleman who has had his life planne out by his family. An arranged marriage, children ect, but he dreams of a life of adventure as a 'gentleman pirate' who sails the high seas, captures rich merchant ships but never hurts anyone. His lofty ideals clash with reality but in ways that are mostly sweet as he tried to set a good example for his fellow pirates as he stumbles through his life as a 'pirate' who wants to make sure his crew is happy and well-cared for... The first episode sets the tone well as Captain Stede Bonnet shows us how his ship has a library, recreation room, ect.

Hobgoblins 2 (2009 Video)

How has Rick Sloan done this?

[1/10 · 19 November 2023]

I had no idea this movie existed, I knew of the first one from the Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode. I admit the original was a 'so bad it's funny' movie but this one intentionally tried to be so a 'so bad it's funny' movie. The over the top bad or bland acting, the constant self references to sequels, the rehashes of the dumb stuff from the first movie it was pathetic. The only reason I watched it was for the Rifftrax and even those guys couldn't save this train wreck of a film. If you need something to cheer you up, don't watch this, if you want something to make you depressed, this is the movie for you. It will ake you hate living in world where Rick Sloan is allowed to make movies.

Thoroughly Modern Millie (1967)

A fun little movie/musical

[8/10 · 23 October 2023]

I've read how this was supposed to be a vehicle for Mary Tyler Moore before the focus shifted to Julie Andrews after her success with Mary Poppins and The Sound of Music. Regardless this is an enjoyable film with an assortment of intersting characters and musica numbers. Carol Channing is a hoot and even though Beatrice Lillie was known to be suffering from Alzheimers when she appeared as Mrs. Meers she still turned in an excellent performance as the shady building mother who targetted young women for kidnapping. If you are looking for a fun musical to watch, look no further than Throughly Modern Millie.

The Postman (1997)

The Postman delivers

[8/10 · 22 October 2023]

I read the book before I saw the movie so I have a differn overall view of thi film than most others. The book paints a bigger and much more varied image of the post apocalyptic world than the movie, but the film does capture the the primary message: that hope is one of the most powerful things in the world. Is The Postman great cinema? No, but it is a good story with a good message. Tyranny is easy, because for most people it's easy to stand back nd say 'HE is in charge and HE knows what to do'. But this movie challenges that nonsense and says that hope can overcome hardships and points out that the world would be a much better place if the A-holes who start wars were forced to fight on the front lines of the battles they instigate.

Dredd (2012)

What Dredd should be.

[9/10 · 20 October 2023]

Stallone did a Dredd movie in 1995 and it was crap, he wanted it to be action comedy and the studio insisted he take his helmet off a lot despite the fact than in the comics Dredd removing his helmet was a bout as common as Halley's Comet. Karl Urban's outing did the character justice (pun intended) as he portrayed the character as a by-the-book judge who sees the wold in black and white. Additionally, Urban's Dredd isn't up against some world conquering egomaniac, instead in this film he's testing a newbie as they go up against a gang boss that controls a single building in Mega-City 1. Sure inside the building Ma-Ma is hot stuff, but outside she's just another wanna be crimelord. To Urban's Dredd this is a simple 'day in the life' story of Judge Dredd.

Judge Dredd (1995)

Dredd was never meant to be campy

[5/10 · 20 October 2023]

The problem isn't the weak story, the problem isn't the poor choice of actors, the problem is trying make a Dredd movie that is action/comedy. Dredd was NEVER about humor, it's about action, crime, and some drama but NOT comedy. That is why it flopped. The DREDD movie understood this, the DREDD movie focused on Dredd and a SINGLE day in the life of a street judge. It's why the second movie was a 9 star and this one barely made it to 5. Stallone could have been a good Judge Dredd if he hadn't tried for humor, and stupid humor at that. Rob Schnider's inclusion was a mistake of epic proportions. I get that he was supposed to be the 'everyman' character but he failed at that on all levels.

Laserblast (1978)

Truly awful, thankfully MST3k exists

[3/10 · 19 August 2023]

This movie is in a word 'terrible' in two words it is 'truely terrible'. HOWEVER it did lead to a funny Mystery Science 3000 episode where they skewered this amazingly bad movie and made fun of it, so that is the silver lining. Since there is a minimum word requirement to post this, let me say that getting riffed on the syndicated Mystery Science Theater 3000 show was probably the best thing that could have happened to this movie. Short of their hilarious riffing this movie would have languished in D-movie purgatory for all time. Leonard Malten (not sure if i spelled that right) gave it two and a half stars which was a travesty as it deserved none at all...

Street Fighter (1994)

Raul Julia is the ONLY good thing

[2/10 · 29 June 2023]

Street Fighter sucks, it sucks sooooo much that Black holes are envious of this movie's suckage... even so, Raul Julia fights to give a strong performance in this crapfest of a film. Sadly even his herculean efforts can't save this bomb. That said he should be honored for his efforts to carry this film by himself but even his broad shoulders cannont bear the wieght of the FAIL that is 'Street Fighter: The Movie' Julia KNEW he was dying and accpeted the role of M. Bison because his children wanted him to play the video game villain. He did so to insure they would be provided for when he was gone, as any good father would, but even he knew the movie SUCKED like a vacuum. Despite this he gave a fine performance that this movie did NOT deserve...

The Greatest Showman (2017)

Fun to watch but take the story with a LARGE grain of salt.

[8/10 · 22 February 2023]

The movie is enjoyable and the musial sequences are top notch, heck the bartender in one bit deserves an MVP award... The story is nice and tells the tale of how Phineas Taylor Barnum created his famous museum/circus from nothing and made his fortune giving the 'freaks' a chance to shine. It uplifitng to see how those who are different can overcome their disadvantages and achieve fame and fortune. Of course the real story is much MUCH darker and the real PT Barnum was a real monster of a man who often treated his performers like animals, but I like to think of this movie as a story Barnum would have told about himself. The lie is a pleasant one, the songs are catchy and the acting is well done. Just don't let yourself believe it...

Black Adam (2022)

Not terrible but a loooog way from good

[4/10 · 18 February 2023]

Black Adam tries so hard to be an MCU movie that it's painful to watch at some points. The premise is set up in the opening narration buuuuuut don't put too much stock in it since the movie retcons that not once but TWICE within the film. The story is fairly generic and derivitive of the MCU movies, bad guy mercs on flying bikes (the Chitauri), magic minerals (Vibranium), supercharged weapons (stark tech), an out of touch hero (Thor) who doesn't understand the world, and so on. The only thing different is that instead of the Avengers we get Suicide Squad 2.5 with their own Dr Strange, Giant-man, Storm and Falcon knock offs who have no clue what 'teamwork means', not in the beginning, not in the middle and not really at the end either.

If you like Dwayne Johnson being clueless and saying things that are funny because he is clueless, then this a movie you'll enjoy. If you like lots of special effects for no good reason, again - this is for you since many of the scenes and effects are gratuitous. If you want a coherent plot, interesting characters and events that make sense... go somewhere else.

Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004)

pure soiled diaper material

[1/10 · 5 August 2022]

The first movie was GARBAGE and worthy of no more than 2 stars. This follow-up is such a dumpster fire that it deserve NEGATIVE stars. Sadly i can't rate it less than 1 so that is what the crapfest earns. I suggest that instead of watching this you hit yourself repeatedly in the head with a sledgehammer.

Demon Squad (2019)

Nice makeup work, the rest is pretty terrible.

[3/10 · 25 June 2022]

I saw this because of MTS3k (Mystery Science Theater 3000) and it is expectedly bad.

The acting ranges from bad to 1st time doing line levels of bad - 2/10 The script isn't terrible, it's nothing great but it would work with better acting, directing, effects and lightning - 3/10 The cinematography is poor with a few decently done shots - 3/10 The makeup for the demons rages from simple but effective to actually decent work that belongs in a better movie - 5/10.

Morbius (2022)

This sucks.

[3/10 · 9 June 2022]

So I watched Morbius out of curiosity, I've never cared much about the character when reading comics but it left me wondering if the writers actively hated the character.

His origin was quick and simple enough, rare condition, needs replacement blood three times a day. Okay it's ludicrous, but whatever sets the premise. Revealing that he's a gigantic douchebag early on doesn't help me sympathize with him. Why is he such a douchebag? Because not only does he refuse a nobel prize (which would have only helped his cause and paid for his research) but he insists on calling Lucien 'Milo' like a jerk, reminding his supposed friend that Lucien is just filling another person's space until he dies and a new Milo comes in. That's cold enough, but worse - EVERYONE calls Lucien 'Milo' for the rest of the movie, including Dr. Nicholas. No wonder Lucien goes the villain route right outta the gate.

So after refusing the Nobel and the million dollar prize, the now desperate Michael Morbius goes the mad science route and conducts illegal experiments in international waters where after nearly 200 failures he creates a 'cure' which goes wrong. Naturally this happens - it's a comic book movie.

Moving on.

For some reason the DNA of vampire bats gives him blood thirst, super strength, speed and a vapor trail... Oh yeah and has super hearing (the really kooky kind that lets him pick out a single voice or even a heartbeat in a city of millions) and can fly along on sound waves... you know... like a bat... The vapor trail thing bothered me from the beginning, it seemed to be associated with sound but in a weird way since it didn't move like sound wave but acted more like smoke. It seems to exist solely to look cool in a trailer.

Lucien/Milo stumbles onto Morbius and sees what he's done to himself and immediately decides 'I want me some of that gruesome and painful looking cure!'. I get that he sees any chance as being better than his current state, but wow. Maybe he should have waited a day or two to see how turning into a blood sucking monster worked out before signing up for the early access?

I won't bother the many many factual errors since that would take too long. Instead I'll complain about how Morbius gripes about not wanting to drink human blood despite the fact that donated blood works just fine as does drinking from the dead (which he does).

Oh and in the end it turns out he can summon bats too, you know because he can yell...

The symbolism is a bit in-your-face, although not Catwoman levels, but still things like all the red/green stuff including Milo murdering Martine on a skylight divided into the colors, and 'staking' Lucien/Milo with the vampire killing syringe in the heart.

Then there was the 'turning' shot at the end which begs the question, how many more of Lucian's victims will be blood crazed vampires by morning? Also can the bitten turn others? If so the city should be 50% vampire in about a week.

If the writers had decided to go with a more supernatural theme instead of trying to make this into mad science horror film, it would have at least made all the powers make a bit more sense or at least seemed less arbitrary.

A few other things that bothered me were the various cribs from other movies. Some were obvious like the line from The Incredible Hulk, the recreation of the mercs/military being stalked from the same movie, and the Batman/Venom joke. While others are less so, such as the notes from 'Dies Irae' to emulate the Batman Begins theme when Morbius steps into the chamber of bats and Lucien/Milo acting like Kiefer Sutherland's David character from the Lost Boys, while dressing like Stanley Ipkiss in the Mask...

Anyway then we get to the post credits - WTF? Why is Toomes in the Sony 'Stuff That is Sort Of Related to the Spider-Verse' now? If it's because he knew Peter Parker is Spider-man then why isn't MJ, Ned, and most of NYC there too? Where did he get a new Vulture suit? The Tinkerer built all his stuff in Homecoming using stolen alien tech which doesn't exist in this reality Toomes had no idea how to build it. Also is he wanting to hunt Spider-man now? Or is he trying to form a Thunderbolts kind of thing with people who morally gray? The Homecoming Vulture was just trying to make money and didn't want unnecessary violence or to call attention to himself.

Something tells me we are unlikely to get any answers from the first Marvel (not MCU) movie to flop twice at the box office.

Bloodshot (2020)

Ooof don't blame the pandemic on this one doing poorly in theaters.

[4/10 · 7 June 2022]

The best things about this movie are in the opening half hour. After that its a long downhill slide. I gave this movie some points for the special effects and the fight scenes but there isn't anything original here. Heck the two most interesting characters are a secondary and a minor, not any of the mains.

2025 - The World enslaved by a Virus (2021)

Even Ed Wood would have turned down this script.

[1/10 · 28 February 2022]

I get the feeling that this movie is what you'd get if you gave someone like alex jones a bunch of LSD and then recorded his trip and converted it to a screenplay.

F9: The Fast Saga (2021)

It stinks!

[3/10 · 5 January 2022]

Seriously, this movie was obviously made to do two things: 1) grab money from those few fans who refuse to give up on this dead horse, and 2) set up the blandest of the bland 'leads' as the new hero of the Fast & Furious franchise. Cena is so forgettable and worthless as an actor that he's commonly called 'invisible' for GOOD REASON. If Fast 10 stars Cena i predict it will gross less than any other Fast movie ever made.

The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)

I will never not love this movie.

[10/10 · 25 December 2021]

A Christmas Carol is famous for good reasons, but the Muppet adaptation is superior to all versions past and future. Caine insisted on playing the role as if he were opposite real actors and not Muppets and it works so well. His performance comes across as heartfelt and sincere as he slowly metamorphoses from the tight-fisted skinflint to a man he becomes. The Muppets fill the secondary role beautifully and the joke both subtle and obvious, helping to tell the story. I don't give out 10's willy-nilly but this deserves 10 out of 10 (more really). If you haven't watched this version of the classic. DO IT and thank me later.

Free Guy (2021)

Its the anti-deadpool!

[9/10 · 10 November 2021]

Ryan's character is charmingly innocent and goofy in this movie. It a little bit like the Ready Player One in spots but I don't think that's intentional. Taika is hysterical as the villain and the movie is just a blast to watch.

Next (2007)

Ugh, the writers should all be forced to find new careers.

[3/10 · 8 November 2021]

From the people who screwed up Total Recall and Minority Report, here's another Phillip K Dick story trashed by crappy writers who take good stories and turn them into crap films. To be fair, this movie is mediocre for the most part. The kind of flick you watch on streaming and might say "Meh, that was okay." - if you stop it a few minutes before the credits roll. That's the problem here, the ending pretty much a slap in the face to the viewers. Lazy writing is the theme here, I get the feeling that the writers took a single premise from the original short story, tossed the rest and said "If he sees the future we can pad the film's run time by rehashing scenes over and over, then at the end we'll show that half the movie was just a premonition and not resolve anything!" It feels like the writers did a first draft then gave up and handed it in because why bother exerting the effort to make a good film when you can make a crappy one and get paid the same? I half expected this to be the same people who gave us 'Knowing' but that's a whole other can of lazy writing.

High School Musical (2006 TV Movie)

If you are older than 14, don't waste your time.

[2/10 · 31 October 2021]

For kids who unfamiliar with good musicals this is fine, maybe it will inspire them to watch better ones. For anyone else it's so formulaic and predictable that it's painful to sit through. The songs are generic saccharine pseudo-pop that you'll forget after a good night's rest, the acting is simplistic and flat which is to be expected with characters that are as shallow as these 'teens', heck the main 'villain' is named after a breed of DOG so that tells you how low to set the expectations bar here. The cinematography is okay, there are no special effects to speak of, so those earned this movie 2 stars. Much of the costuming is made up of uniforms and walmart brand teen clothes that might have been from the 1990s instead of 2006 with the exception of the antagonist's look which was leftover from Legally Blond.

The New Mutants (2020)

I'm a fan of the comic, the movie is NOT the comic

[3/10 · 18 July 2021]

The New Mutants was one of the better X-titles in the 1990s. This movie is travesty and soooooo badly done. I'm no a stickler for faithful adaptations, after all the MCU adapts and updates classic comic book characters and plot lines and does it well. The New Mutants does not. If you know anything about the characters you'll spend most of the movie saying "What the F--k?" Why is Sam Guthrie injured from using his power? It literally protects him from harm with an invulnerable force field. Sunspot absorbs light and converts it to strength, he doesn't catch fire. Did the writers not even read the Marvel website entries on the characters? Iliyana (Magik) is done pretty well and the 'lockheed' is kinda cool even if they writers forget that she an TELEPORT AT WILL for 95% of the movie. Rayne is done fairly well, although she was never portrayed as bi/lesbian in the comics. But this is the least problematic change. As for Dani Moonstar... if you ever picked up a New Mutants comic you know she's the source of the 'demon bear' in the first 2 minutes of the movie. This knowledge makes the 'tension' of the next 90 minutes tedious and annoying. Ooooh no something is stalking the rehab center! It's Dani. Oooooh no, soemthing is rying to kill the kids. It's Dani. Oooooh no the monster is sooo powerful. It's Dani. Ooooooh how will they fight it? It's Dani. It's Dani. IT IS DANI !!!!!

The New Mutants had massive potential an could have launched a 'phase 2' of the X-Men but the writers whizzed it down their leg by ignoring the rich history of the comic and turning it into a craptastic and generic horror movie.

Alien: Covenant (2017)

It's bad, make no mistake.

[5/10 · 27 May 2020]

The latest travesty in the Alien franchise manages to have a cast of character even dumber than those seen in Prometheus. I lost count of how many idiotic things they did about halfway through. The villain telegraphs "I'm EVIL" so hard he might as well have had Darth Vader's theme playing constantly. Mr Scott, PLEASE stop writing Alien movies, all you do is screw it up. there were some excellent stories in the Dark Horse Comics and a couple of wonderfully written books that would make GREAT movies.

Solar Opposites (2020– )

Not bad, but not good either.

[5/10 · 18 May 2020]

I'm a R&M fan so I was excited to see this show, but it comes off as a platform for R&M scripts that weren't good enough to make or too derivative or already aired episodes. Heck the secondary story of 'the wall' was FAR better than than any of the main plots and it was just a rehashed 'evil Morty' storyline. If the wall stuff is featured in the second season I'll probably watch it for that but the aliens are pretty much just a new version of 'Invader Zim' with unnecessary characters.

Annihilation (I) (2018)

So what is it?

[8/10 · 23 April 2020]

That question is what the movie is all about, and I won't spoil it for you, but be warned while the movie can be mind blowing - it can also be nightmare fuel.