jake-87 Reviews

The Master (1984)

Lighten UP! unbelievable, ridiculous, inane but SO MUCH FUN!!!

[5 May 2003]

I remember the series well... An, the memories.. only back then I

didn't realize how preposterous the whole thing was - Van Cleef looked more like a 90 pound weakling than a NINJA . He looked old and tired... But I LOVED him... VanPatten was the one miscast... NO Chemistry!! Be sure to see the last episode (If you can find any of them, I did on VHS)... The Master is back on an old West movie location, and feels right at home.. in fact he says so.. nice touch to end the series... Now that i'm old too, I wish I could move like the Master but then... that was a stunt double... Van Cleef you hombre.. rest in peace... you didn't seen at all out of place as a Ninja master but then... I never saw you as a old west Cowboy first! I loved this series!! Look

on VHS

8 Mile (2002)

Eminem has untapped talent

[6/10 · 23 November 2002]

OK.. I'm not a rap fan... I felt that Eminem gave a good performance; I really cared that happened to him.. I was forced to go by my 13 year old that could not have gotten in unless I went... I went a second time with 5 teenage girls (again my daughter roped me into going).

The Movie? not great but entertaining. A white man in a black man's world... A Rocky flick? This poor dude was fighting it all! He managed to keep his head up and made me feel good about the music my daughter is into. The "f" word was almost as prevalent as in "South Park- the Movie" Who cares anymore.. words are just words. There was some violence: Surprise... This is Detroit. Leave really young kids home unless you want to give lessons in the birds and the bees afterward... I'd go no lower than 13.. and a mature 13 at that.

All in all I liked this film.. I'll listen a little closer to Rap from now on... and become a little younger. I rate this movie:6 out of 10

Windtalkers (2002)

Overloaded with Blood & Guts but entertaining

[7/10 · 30 October 2002]

Wow talk about blood and gore... If you are squemish skip this one or wait 2 hours after you eat of you might hurl chunks! Bang! Bang! (there was even the effect of blood being splattered on the camera lens)... If that was what the battle was like there must have

been 200,000 deaths.. everyone seems to be blowing everyone else away! The movie is entertaining.. I would have liked a little more explaination of the code (which really did exist). I don't think there was enough convincing the audience the code was that important.. we hardly get to see it in action... The chemistry between the leading actors amounted to male bonding, and was handeled well. I thought I had the ending figured out early in the movie.. I was wrong! Nice twist in the end! I recommend this to anyone over about 14.. it might give the young tikes nightmares. 7/10

The Iceman Cometh (1960 TV Movie)

A masterpiece of modern theater

[9/10 · 2 September 2002]

All the works in this series are wonderful; This one is right up there as one of the best... A young Robert Redford puts in a dazzling performance... Everyone is good! If you can find it, A classic to enjoy... I ordered the tapes right off the site - a little dear but so enjoyable that I forgot the cost right away! Sit back, relax, and enjoy theater as it was meant to be enjoyed... I saw the performance with Lee Marvin and it is difficult to chose one over the other.. See them both and YOU decide. This is a complex play, and you might wish to purchase "Cliff" notes to help you if you have never studied the O'Neill work. A Masterpiece!

Rollerball (2002)

Get the number of that TRUCK!!! OWWWW

[1/10 · 12 July 2002]

The original Rollerball was an underrated SCI-FI classic with a message about what society might become in the future if Mega-corporations are allowed to grow unchecked; THIS version of Rollerball is what the contents of a septic tank might become if not properly treated! If not THE WORST film I ever saw then in the bottom 5. No Plot- thats gone! No characters- there gone No Acting - Lost! Editing?- A mess. Left is only brute violence and staged action; What was a heavy metal band doing in this?? Tony Bennett dressed as a referee singing out the penalties would have made as much sense. Mess! That is the operative description! MESS! I paid around $4 to watch this????? Save yourself some money, put your washing machine on "SPIN CYCLE", get yourself some popcorn while you watch it twirl!!!.. You will find your Whirlpool far more interesting than this celluloid garbage... Can you tell I didnt like this movie yet???? (no) stars out of 4...

The Time Machine (2002)

Not as bad as the critics said - Not as good as the TV ads promised.

[27 April 2002]

Well, close! I still count the 1960's version in my top 50 best movies.. I HAD to see the remake, no matter what the critics said! I was mildly entertained, mildly dazzled, mildly satisfied... Like a luke-warm cup of tea when only piping hot would do. Not even a hint of how the machine works, how or when he tested it, how lasers were used in it's design, why he put so MANY digits on the year counter... wasn't he concerned that so far into the future he might materialize under a lake? Whew!

The makeup on the Morlocks, especially the "chief" was over done. I found the makeup a distraction. Also humorous, not scary. If this is what I'm gonna look like in 800,000 years I need to buy a case of lip balm and wrinkle remover. Yuk!

The plot? Predictable, but mildly entertaining... that luke-warm tea again. In fact, less special effects and more of everything else would have helped this movie... BUT-- was I entertained? In a luke-warm way, yes! about 60% as good as the original. For the money spent, could have been a lot better! 5 outta 10!

Logan's Run (1976)

A very underrated Si-Fi classic!!

[9/10 · 11 April 2002]

I have always liked this film since the first time I saw it in the theater. Good storytelling- average special effects (Not bad for 1976).. But the story/performances carry the day... Star Wars is candy for the eyes; this is candy for the mind! Well worth a rent (I have it on DVD).

What Planet Are You From? (2000)

Urggggg! Would cure an upset stomach by inducing vomiting

[2/10 · 1 April 2002]

This is not fair!! I watched 20 minutes and I couldn't go on...

Water! Water! Who told Gary Shindling he was funny? Who told the backers

of this "film" it was funny? Did they really think it would make money??

Wow! I walked out on a VHS tape in my own home! Imagine if I had paid

to see this: MY MONEY BACK! I got the tape at a 3/$5 sale and I feel cheated..

OK, Calm down, Jake! I didn't find this film at all amusing, and I like a good off-color joke... I even tell quite a few! The noisy penis

was too much! Kill that thing! I don't want to know when Gary is

aroused!

The guy is TOO OLD!! VIAGRA CITY!! Eww.. I'm ruining my supper writing this! 1 out of 10 (and that is too high)... I would rather watch Ghandi disrobe! ... I didn't like this movie, can you tell??

RoboCop 3 (1993)

Lighten up! I've seen much worse!

[28 March 2002]

It's not a great movie, but it entertains.. much as the old Batman series... with tongue firmly in cheek!

I paid to see this in the theater, and I did not feel the least bit cheated.. I have now watched it a few times and am entertained.. WHY the low rating????? I would watch a Robocop IV if one were made.

Give it a watching with an open mind... better yet watch Robocop 1 & 2 first to get the background.

2 1/2 stars out of 4

Cheech and Chong's Next Movie (1980)

It's like--- Far OUT, Man!

[12 March 2002]

This movie is like far out man I mean its like .. far out...man it's like--- WOW, Man I mean like.. its really... you know, FAR <bleepin> OUT!!! These kinda movies will make you repeat yourself, man, and they will make you repeat yourself... man! REPEAT YOURSELF!! (man)

That's what came to mind as I watched this movie, Man! Like I don't do drugs, man, but sometimes I'm secretly sorry I don't! Cheech Y Chong seem to be having fun, and I had fun, too. Na, It's not "The Godfather" or "Gone With the Wind" but it is a BLAST from the PAST (the '70's past) and reminded me of those days I used to curl up with a C&C record and laugh my ASS off!!! It's worth a rent- Hell, It's worth a BUY!!

Whenever you feel blue- Job got 'ya down?? World seems hopeless?? Pop this Little Jewel into your VCR machine... Light up (If you do that sorta thing) and put your laugher in HIGH GEAR!!

____________C & C LIVE FOREVER (man)_________

One Day in the Life of Ivan Denisovich (1970)

As depressing as the book.. a true work of art..read the book first

[8/10 · 23 December 2001]

I searched long and hard for a copy of this film and when I found it.. I was not disappointed. Depressing, dark, heavy, without hope.. Just like the book was written to make you feel! I wanted the film to end... release me... but I could not turn the VCR off. I was glued. No matter what your lot.. this film will make you feel glad you are not in that Hell-hole of a camp...You have your human dignity.

I have never seen a film that so closely follows the book from which it was adapted. Not adapted.. transcribed, almost word for word. The performances seen surreal, flat, hollow, lifeless. Not even an extra touch of art to shore up your sinking feelings as you plunge head first into utter hopelessness.

View this movie if you can find it... You will be happy you did.. and happier still when it is over. Your problems won't seem so bad!

Planet of the Apes (2001)

Don't bother to "monkey" with this dog

[2/10 · 29 November 2001]

I was appalled! I waisted how much on this? Even my popcorn had a funny taste! This movie lacked it all: Acting, script, direction, logic, originality and, most of all, heart. I saw the original in the theater in first release- I took (pardon me tortured) my daughter to the first release of this re-make. She was bored, I was enraged- we both wanted to leave early and get back in the mall. I have only walked out on one movie- "Visiting Hours" - but was considering a repeat ! Only the critic's comments about the "silly ending" kept me in the theater and, when it came, I said "I waited for this?" Yah, the makeup was superb... so what? Yah the special effects were 21st century... so what? I liked the scene with Charlton Heston repeating his "Damn them to Hell" speech... ummm thats it. Oh, Ya.. did i mention the popcorn was stale? 2 out of 10

Cats & Dogs (2001)

Whew, what a Bow-Wow this movie is

[4/10 · 12 July 2001]

Hard to watch! This movie is a DOG, and I don't mean that in a nice way! I was annoyed at how infantile and brain-dead ALL the adults are in this movie. As a scientist, I was especially insulted by the scientist-father character; it might make the child laugh, but who would want to grow up to be THAT? The humor is infantile and the jokes are contrived and forced. Expect all dog-cat stereotypes in this woofer.

I suppose that this movie was aimed at the very young. I fully expected to find dippers and teething rings on the movie house floor. This movie might be a little young and childish for the dipper set!

I give it 4 out of 10 because the special effects are well done- the animals do seem to talk and even act.. whew!

NO Cats & Dogs 2! If i have to take my daughter to that one TOO, it is

I that might have an accident on the carpet!

Scary Movie (2000)

I Came, I Saw, I Retched

[27 August 2000]

Wow, What was that???? Did I really see what I thought I saw? I have seen gems like "The Hot Pearl Snatch" and "Plan 9 from Outer Space" but this... Oh! Boy! I was overjoyed to see the closing credits roll !!! Many of my theater mates left after only 10 or 15 minutes (to demand their money back, no doubt!)

What did I like about this movie? Nothing! For the first time EVER I can sadly state that not ONE joke worked, not ONE filthy, perverted scene made me even crack a ghost of a smile!

My daughter, 11, came with me and was so bored that she entertained herself by blowing bubbles in the soda pop cup! This slurping sound seemed to be far more enjoyable then the stupid dialog on the screen!

Don't wait for the video.. Don't rent the Video.. Don't watch this turkey on T.V. (F.C.C please help!) and most of all... DON'T MAKE A SEQUEL, PLEASE !!!!!!

-1(minus one) star out of 5 (-*)

Baby Geniuses (1999)

BABY... You don't have to be a GENIUS to hate this one!

[28 May 2000]

I saw this "movie" on a bus tour and I wanted to head for the exits... only we were traveling 65 mph...

Special effects? ..poor, plot.. poor, dialogue? ..poor, comedy?..poor, acting? ... are you getting the drift yet??? The concept was good, only the film was done SO BADLY that any shred of this good idea was destroyed. Give the concept to a bright 5th grader and it would be better written. The biggest let-down is how the storyteller views bright children..Freaks.. Anti-social rug rats... My right hand is starting to cramp up!

Not even recommend as a "so bad it's good" film.. such as plan 9 ... If you bought this dog, the VHS tape can be re-used if you cover over the missing "do not record" tag... then record over this "movie" with something more interesting: like... a commercial for an exercise machine? A test pattern? An actor who admits he has "E.D."? Channel #1 Snow?

0(zero) stars our of 4 (cause it don't go no lower)

The Hot Pearl Snatch (1966)

It was "stimulating".... I think

[28 May 2000]

Ok, here we go... I saw this movie in an "Art" theater.. - 18 and over.. (I was just 18).. This was the first "Art (read porno)" film I ever saw.. In the opening title, which is the only part of the film I remember well, the name of the film "The Hot Pearl Snatch" changes to "The Hot Snatch", when the word "Pearl" vanishes from the screen!! Wowie Zowie!! I think a hand removes it or something.

I can recall very little of the plot.. except a lot of bare chested women were parading on the screen... Breasts galore!! Stimulating back in 1966... to an 18 year old... but a big YAWN YAWN YAWN.. today. I doubt if this film would even get an R rating.. probably PG-13. I have seen more of a woman's anatomy in movies like "Youngblood".... This movie was the softest of soft porn..

I am so sad to see that this movie not on video.. I would rent it in a heartbeat..just to see what "porno" films were like way back when! And recover a little of my youth!

Gladiator (2000)

The first Epic picture of the new Century - A MUST see

[9/10 · 14 May 2000]

I took my 11 year old daughter to this picture and both of us were speechless after it was over.You MUST see this on the big screen.. It will lose so much on a tiny TV when it is out on video!

This movie is Star Wars ..with real people.. in a galaxy near near and a time not so long ago. The audience (very sparse I might add) applauded wildly at the end of this picture.

My daughter said she liked it because she likes blood & gore (and there is a LOT of it).. but that is the way history paints these times. She did not grasp all the dialogue (you need to know a little about Roman times).. and was a little bored in the beginning.... but the plot grabbed her and after she refused to leave her seat even to get up to get a soda refill for fear she might miss something... Unusual!

The acting superb, script, action.. This movie is SO big you do have to see it twice..as I will... the second time to just sit back and relax.. and enjoy a first rate piece of movie making.... 9 stars out of 10...

Mission to Mars (2000)

Come on--Lighten up- A 2001 it ain't- but it's not bad

[7/10 · 14 April 2000]

Wow! when I saw the low scores and read some of the reviews for M2M I was stunned! It's not THAT bad. Get some fresh popcorn and give it another go! Jeeze! The special effects made me dizzy and a little queezy! Never had that happen before!

The plot? GRADE-B. The acting? GRADE-B. The script? GRADE-B The directing? GRADE.... Are you getting the message yet? This is not great cinema, but a regression to those cheesy "B" pictures that we used to love so much on "Fright Night Theater"!... TV at 2 a.m. on hot summer's night! The entire picture is a spoof, intended or not, on those corny, stupid si-fi of yesteryear... and what's wrong with that?

I fully intend to plunk down another $7 and re-view this very underrated little gem.

Silent Running (1972)

I loved AND love this movie.. THIS is how it should be done!

[14 April 2000]

No great battles.. No blood.. No aliens...Gore...Ultra effects.. and NO complicated plot! Just SI-FI at it's best!

I saw this movie in it's original release, and I left the theater with tears in my eyes! Now that I have a 10 year old daughter, we shared the wonder all over again! I could not find this movie to rent so I purchased a copy.. Not available locally I turned to the Inner net.. and BOY was I glad I did!!

This is early 1970, people! The special effects are very good for that era of "stone knives and bear skins".. No high powered computer animation here.. so THE PLOT had to carry the picture. We feel real concern for the remaining forest (with it's bunnies and toads et al).We feel sorry for Freeman as he is forced to destroy life to save life.

Did anyone notice the year the "mission" was suppose to have been launched? early in the year 2000.. OH-OH. Did I miss something? we haven't killed all the forests...YET.. but mankind is working on it.

The songs made me weepy, and the final solution to the "Forest problem" mad me very angry.. Freeman's crew mates are only quasi-human! I am glad this prediction of mankind was wrong at least!

It is all a movie can be: But very very underrated! See it for the first time or see it again.. but see it! You won't be disappointed! You might find yourself with a hankerin' for cantaloupe when you're done!

Galaxy Quest (1999)

A very good movie, but only a fair comedy. See it in the theater!

[2 January 2000]

This is not a GREAT movie, but a very entertaining bit of modern film making. All the characters (I'm not going to rehash all of this) are so beautifully crafted, that their counterparts in Star Trek are instantly identifiable. The special effects are stunning and will not transfer well to the small screen; see it in the theater for maximum effect! Only the comedy was a little weak. I would classify this movie closer to "si-fi" than to "comedy"! I did get a few laughs, but would have enjoyed it sans-laughs almost as much. I am sure the film makers will "Live long and prosper..." with a sequel!! 3 1/2 stars out of 4.

Pokémon: The First Movie - Mewtwo Strikes Back (1998)

Whew! Lighten UP! This is a KIDS movie, and fun for them at that!

[8/10 · 14 November 1999]

The animation in the short before the main feature made my head spin at times! I know a few of my "freak" buddies that would say "Wow, Man! Groovy" and reach for a "snack". Real weird audio/video I felt like I was having a flashback from a bad trip!

I was amazed how so many kids knew the Pokemon's names, and when a new one appeared you could hear shouts of it's name all over the theater. The plot made no sense.. animation looked flat and jerky.. the... WHAT AM I DOING? This movie is not made for me! Enough about MY impressions: I Liked it! My daughter:

My daughter is 10 and she saw the movie twice! Was spellbound the first time, laughed hard the second. She gave it 3 1/2 out of four stars and was completely satisfied both times! Now she wants to take all her friends to see it (ouch!). I better get a part time job to buy tickets.. do they wholesale them?

Slap Shot (1977)

An A-1 hockey movie.. A must rent!

[26 September 1999]

I have played goal for 32 years.. On many of the men's rec teams I STILL hear someone say: "How about it tonight, guys? Old time hockey?" and everyone yells : "Pi** on old time hockey!!!" then "Eddie Shore???": "Pi** on Eddie Shore!!!" It still gets a laugh in the locker room!

The goalie being allergic to the fans is a quote from my favorite pro goaltender: the late Jacques Palante.. He was allergic, he said, to the Toronto Fans.. and would often sit the bench.

You can tell the actors are having fun making this movie.. it comes thru loud and clear!

Another locker room favorite that has survived is when you ask another player getting dressed what he is doing.. He might just answer: "Puttin' on the foil, want some???"

I've even been told on occasion that my wife is a lesbian as a joke! She ain't but I often react with mock anger and dash out of the net.

After a bad game where my defense let me down I told our coach in the locker room : " Trade me right fu***** now!!" (and the player to my right said "Now hang up")

A movie that survives this long after release is is is .... A CLASSIC!!

Bride of Chucky (1998)

Not a classic but a nice diversion

[25 September 1999]

I now have seen all the "Chucky" movies, and they have become less scary and more funny every time! I guess the holders of the "Chucky" franchise have realized that funny sells better than horror. The bride of chucky is almost "tongue in cheek" ala the "Batman" movies. I laughed all the way through, and found not a second of fright in the whole thing! BRING ON THE SON OF CHUCKY !!!

South Park (1997– )

The kids will watch it anyway.. Why not watch with them!

[2 July 1999]

When I started to watch South Park I would tape it, preview it, and censor out the parts I thought too hot for my 9 year old daughter.. Then I realized I was doing more harm then letting her watch the whole thing & fielding questions as they arose. I feel it can be a positive experience! The kids are going to watch it anyway (at a friend's house if not at your own)... why not watch it with them and have some control/comment over what they see!

I get sick when I am flipping through the channels and see show after show with a guy (usually a cop or a black man) aiming a gun at someone. Like Lenny Bruce, give me a stag film any day. Long live South Park!

South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut (1999)

Funny, original.. but NOT for the kids under 14

[8/10 · 1 July 1999]

If I had previewed this movie, I would not have taken my daughter to see it.. At 10, she is very mature but the constant obscenity even got to her.

I laughed so hard I cried and, as most of the humor was far over her head or beyond her level of experiences, all she could do was stare at me as if to say: "What's so funny??" There were so many songs I thought I was at a musical.. some of them were very clever.

All will be equally offended by the racial jokes: Blacks, Canadians, Whites, Wasps, Jews.. there is something to offend everyone (except Native Americans, and that probably will be in South Park II)

Some of the sexual material was crude at best, and the movie would not have suffered had it been deleted: The scene with Sadaam and the devil in bed.. Big Al exposed... Why?? It added nothing!

I really loved this movie, but wish I had gone alone. Don't make my mistake. It is sad that the makers of South Park didn't even try for a film that would have gotten a PG-13 rating. Their core audience (teens) will feel betrayed and parents will be pestered into taking their kids to see a movie that will cause the parents to squirm in their seats and hope that last sex joke went over their youngster's head.. while laughing so hard that tears flow down their faces.