Kylic Reviews

The Real World Movie: The Lost Season (2002 TV Special)

Ban BMP from the Entertainment Industry ASAP!

[1/10 · 8 August 2002]

I think this "film" proves that Buffooning Myself Poorly is about as tragically un-self-aware as are all of its hamsters.

I briefly entertained the foolish thought that the plot may actually have been going somewhere when the tall skinny bitchy one started telling her fellow "cast members" that this was exactly what Roland wanted them to do--get all their issues out and create conflict and fulfill their stereotypes.

"Yes!" I thought. "Perhaps we are finally in for some self-critique".

But then it quickly degenerated into something like the bastard child of "The Blair Witch Project" and "Undressed".

Please indulge me, as there are few things I just have to get off my chest (May Contain Spoilers):

1. Why the hell did they run aimlessly through the woods instead of running down the road they obviously came in on?

2. How in the world could Jake be such a stupid freaking idiot?

3. What, oh what was the purpose of having the scenes with the actual RW folks (other than as filler)?

I think we see why Jon and Mary-Ellis failed as soap producers--they couldn't produce dialogue or plots believable enough to satisfy even the basement-dwelling standards of daytime television.

Rating: 1 - I'd give it a big fat goose egg if IMDB had such an option.

Congo (1995)

Classical adventurous fun, set your brain to "off" though

[17 June 2001]

Congo is a pretty thrilling and adventurous ride that pays homage to the Indiana Jones franchise. I liked how the writers portrayed each character as having their own agenda for reaching the Congo: whether it was Dr. Peter wanting to return Amy to her birthplace; Dr. Karen searching for her ex along with a diamond her sleazy boss desperately needs; or Mr. Homolka seeking some lost city.

The cast of characters was quite colorful and well developed. Ernie Hudson's character, as leader of the expedition (or when Laura Linney allowed him--more on this latter on), was a refreshing change from the usual Great White Hunter we've become accustomed to; Dylan Walsh's character feels compelled to return is pet gorilla to her home in the jungle when she begins having nightmares, coupled with transforming the dorm into a rain forest art gallery; Delroy Lindo and Joe Pantoliano both make cameo appearances as well; however, Tim Curry and Grant Heslov return mediocre performances as the typical greedy treasure hunter and the typical "Ugly American".

By far, the two most annoying characters are the aforementioned Dr. Karen Ross (Laura Linney) and the stupid gorilla. Linney, obviously trying to out perform Linda Hamilton in T2, was way overbearing, rude, and arrogant. Her performance became unbearable after awhile. As far as Amy The Talking Gorilla goes; despite sounding more like a sideshow event, the character was pretty cheesy if you ask me. Why not get a real gorilla as opposed to a girl in a gorilla suit? And I thought gorillas were BLACK not brown?!?

Overall, a pretty good action adventure flick, just remember to set your brain to "off" before viewing.

Rating: 7

Urban Legends: Final Cut (2000)

Wrong Genre don't ya think? (spoilers)

[15 June 2001]

I'm baffled by the supposed Genre given to this film on the IMDB site: Horror/Thriller? Are you kidding Mr. Ottman? The only thrilling and horrific murder takes place early in the film; the rest seem modeled after those committed in "Scary Movie".

Jennifer Morrison does her best to keep up with the "plot", which runs all over the place like a decapitated chicken. The rest of the cast is made up of your typical slasher-film stereotypes--whose sole purpose is to provide fresh meat for the psycho-killer grinder. Speaking of which... the "killer's" motives are as unrealistic as the actual killer himself.

Perhaps if the writers hadn't taken the film so seriously, I would've be compelled to give it a higher rating.

Rating: 4

The Patriot (2000)

Overdone patriotic fluff full of historical inaccuracies

[14 June 2001]

Apart from the many historical inaccuracies that others have pointed out, Emmerich does a bang-up job in creating a film full of one dimensional black & white characters on both sides. There's no room for grey, you're either Good (American colonist) or Bad (British oppressors). In addition, the British oppressors are portrayed in such a brutal manner, commiting atrocities rivalling that of the Nazis.

Plus, I find the PC gimmick of "Free Workers" (er, don't you mean "slaves") on a plantation in 1776 South Carolina absurd. If there're so "free" why don't they just walk off the plantation anytime they want? Plus, WHAT are the "Free Workers" fighting for in pre-Civil War South Carolina? Certainly not their freedom. It would've been more sensible for the "Free Workers" to join the Brits, at least they were guaranteed their freedom.

Rating: 3

X-Men (2000)

Decent F/X, wish I could say the same for characterization and plot

[10 June 2001]

I thought this film was rather good for a comic book remake; especially coming off the heels of Batman, which hopefully has been put out if its misery for good.

The F/X is top notch, as well as the fight scenes which rivals that the of The Matrix. However, the plot is a virtual Connect The Dots: very easy to predict the next scene ten minutes in advance. Given that this IS a COMIC BOOK adaptation, I'm willing to cut Singer some slack, seeing that I'm not exactly expecting Citizen Kane material here. plus there's A LOT of set-up so to speak, so maybe Singer will do better in X-Men II.

Same goes for characterizations, or lack thereof. With the exceptions of Prof. X (Stewart), Wolverine (Jackson), Magneto (McKellen), and Rogue (Paquin) everyone else comes off as movie set extras, with their one-dimensional demeanors (especially Toad, Sabretooth, Cyclops, and Storm) coupled with flavorless one-liners. Speaking of which... Storm's (Berry) "Do you know what happens to a toad..." line fell flatter than a mat dropped from a ten story building. I was sitting there thinking, "Is THAT the best she can do?".

Overall, a good project for Singer & Co., but it can't touch Superman I & II.

Star Trek: Voyager (1995–2001)

What will I miss about Voyager the most

[26 May 2001]

For me it's the laundry list of missed opportunities (possible spoiler):

1.) No J/C, instead we get seven years of flirts here and there followed by the farce of C/7, which doesn't make any sense for being what-so-ever.

2.) No real emphasis on the fact that the crew were looking at the prospect of seven decades (a lifetime by today's standards) in the DQ: no pairing off--there should've been more children born on Voyager than Niaomi and the-to-be-announced Mira; instead everyone behaved as though they'd get home in... um, seven years, who wouldda thunk.

3.) The Maquis were all too easily assimilated into the Voyager collective after season 1. There should've been more storylines and chapter arcs surrounding the Starfleet/Maquis tensions.

All in all, I'm very sad, not particularly sad to see Voyager go, but rather I'm sad at all the missed opportunities--some that were practically handed to the writers on a silver platter. So long Voyager, we hardly knew ya potential.

Rush Hour (1998)

Tucker and Chan save an otherwise mediocre film.

[13 August 2000]

"Rush Hour" is your typical Hollywood style cop-buddy flick, which recycles one of the oldest plot devices in the book: The Chinese Consulate's daughter has been kidnapped, and it's up to a lippy LA cop and a Kung Fu Hong Kong detective to rescue the kid before it's too late.

Obviously the writers weren't taking their work too seriously--I was half expecting someone to retire in three days! And why is it that every British character in an Hollywood film (9 times out of 10) mutates into the villain? Despite these nits "Rush Hour" is a rather enjoyable flick which combines two very charismatic and talented actors in the best cop-buddy dual since "48 Hours" and "Lethal Weapon".

Chan and Tucker's off and on banter is humorous and never gets trite. In addition, the fight scenes are well timed and choreographed. All in all one of the best cop-buddy films around these days!

Rating: 8

American History X (1998)

Strong performances, weak script. (minor spoilers)

[16 June 2000]

I am completely dumbfounded as to why I'm seeing all of these comments summarizing this film as, "Best film of 98'", "Powerful", or "Oscar worthy film"; please, the only oscar worthy aspect of this film is Edward Norton's performance! I mean AMX is a strong gripping film, but we aren't exactly talking "Citizen Kane" here.

The plot is pretty mediocre: The prodigal son returns to keep his younger brother from following down the same tracks; but will he succeed? Well, I'm not going to spoil it for those who're still out of the loop, but suffice to say you can see the arbitrary ending coming halfway through the film. The moral? Everyone knows the moral of the film even before the opening credits roll: "Hate Kills!" nuff said.

Many of the conflicts involving minorities appeared to have been shoehorned. For instants, there's a sequence here where trio of trouble makers pay a late night visit to Norton's place to seek revenge on a lousy basketball game of all things. On top of that, all of the blacks (with the exception of Avery Brooks' character) were portrayed in the worse possible light: jive talkin', foul mouthin', chest-thumping all the way through. I guess this was to give Norton's crew and every other closet racist out there justification for their twisted ideals, "You see Martha! you see how they act!"

As earlier mentioned, performances all around were rather good, however, Jennifer Lien--despite her good performance seemed out of place. I don't know... I can't quite put my finger on it, but she was rather out of sync with the whole trailer trash family unit (that's a complement by the way).

Rating: 6

The Matrix (1999)

One of the best sci-fi movies of all time, however questions abound. (spoilers)

[12 May 2000]

The Matrix is truly one of the best sci-fi films that I've ever seen. It combines superb special effects with a somewhat original premise (machines taking over the world) with a Internet spin on it. The violence isn't as bad as the critics say; although, the lobby shoot out scene may've been pushing it. Those who find fault or confusion with the plot as being paper thin obviously weren't paying attention, because Morpheus (Fishburne) practically spins the entire length of the film explaining WHAT the Matrix is. In fact, the film was so good I was able to overlook Reeves' marginal performance.

The film also inserts a Christian them of presenting Neo as a Jesus like savior; Morpheus' scripture like quotes; even a Judas character. My only complaint is that the film present a slew of unanswered questions. For starters...

1.) Why would the machines even need humans as a source of energy in the first place? Haven't they heard of geo-thermal or wind energy?

2.) Is it true that the machines are literally creating-er "growing" human beings in their endless "fields"? If so, then that opens up an annoying can of worms that I'm not gonna to touch. But if they have the whiz to grow humans, then they should be able to develop a more productive energy source.

3.) I really find it hard to believe that humans would take such an extremely, dumb action of destroying their own Earthy environment (via somehow "scorching" the sky) just to win a war against the machines. Didn't anyone ever think of using a EMP (electromagnetic pules) back then when it was REALLY useful?

4.) You'd think the machines would eventually catch on to humans mysteriously being awakened from their pods; and instead would immediately terminate them as apposed to dumping them into the sewer--only to be fished out by the rebels shortly thereafter.

5.) Wouldn't the traitor (Cypher) had been a little concerned that he'd be caught by his crewmates when logged on to the Matrix to perform his under-the-table dealings with Agent Smith? And HOW was he able to log off with out any assistance?

Questions, questions, questions! Hopefully the sequels will provide some answers.

Rating: 9

U-571 (2000)

Lacks any depth.

[21 April 2000]

I'm usually a big fan of submarine movies: "The Hunt For Red October", "Crimson Tide", etc., but unlike the aforementioned, U-571 lacks any deep characterizations from most of the cast. This is a serious flaw which I had intended to bring up in my review of "Saving Private Ryan", but forgot at the last minute. Simply put... we don't know enough about each character to give a hoot about what happens to them in the long run. Instead, character development is pushed aside for some gracious CGI effects coupled with an assembly line of subplots!

My advice: Turn your brain off and enjoy the ride!

Rating: 6

Rules of Engagement (2000)

Fine performances from Jones & Jackson, but seems like a rehash

[18 April 2000]

Friedkin and Webb did their homework, and it shows! Rules Of Engagement does an effective job of captivating the audience virtually throughout the film. Adding to the richness of the film are stellar performances from Samuel L. Jackson and Tommy Lee Jones. The film's only significant flaw is this seemingly "Been there, done that" theme: "A Few Good Men", "Courage Under Fire", and "The General's Daughter". But overall a must see!

Rating: 9

D.C. (2000)

MTV meets The West Wing

[16 April 2000]

Many Real Worlders no doubt recognize Jacinda Barrett (London) even though her Aussie accent is virtually gone. And who can forget Mark-Paul Gosselaar from Saved By the Bell!



As for the show... question marks(???) loom ahead on whether it'll just be another midseason statistic. The show tends to pander to the preppie 20 something demographic when in reality they make-up a small portion of Gen-Xers. Perhaps the producers should throw in one "normal" kid who doesn't have a mile long sheet of accomplishments at 22, wealthy parents, 5.0 GPA, etc.

Deep Blue Sea (1999)

The "Jaws" of the 90's (spoilers)

[31 January 2000]

A group of scientist headed by Dr. McAlester (Saffron Burrows) conducts experiments on three sharks by implanting human brain tissue into the cerebral cortexes of the sharks' in hopes of finding a cur for Alzheimer's Disease. But things turn deadly when the sharks develop intelligence as a side effect.

While this concept is somewhat original, it is a foreshadowing recipe for disaster: Common since would tell you if you're going to conduct these types of experiments with unknown results, you do it in a more controlled environment such as a bay or lake; and why on Earth would anyone conduct "brain" test on whale size sharks in beyond my comprehension! The F/X was good, but at times the sharks were a bit too animated--nearly appearing toony in some scenes. And where's the consistency? In some scenes the sharks are able to poke their heads out of the water and sweep a unsuspecting character off their feet, yet in others they don't seem to give the characters who're knee-deep in water the time of day!

As far as acting goes... I felt the sharks had as much charisma as the so-called "actors" with the exception of LL. Cool J who serves up (no pun intended) a witty performance as the local cook/minister. But Samuel L. Jackson was killed off way too quickly (shocking to see a big name actor bite the dust so early in a film; although it's not totally unprecedented. See "Executive Decision".

Overall, a decent film worth watching once, maybe twice; but by no means video library material mind you.

Rating: 6

The Lost World: Jurassic Park (1997)

Did we "really" need a sequel? (spoilers)

[6/10 · 17 January 2000]

Like most people, I was thrilled to find out that Spielberg was working on a sequel to "Jurassic Park"; however, now that I've seen the movie I wonder if it was even necessary to do another one.

Ideally a review like this would be logical if there was something new or interesting to report on. However, most of the character types and situations here are carbon copies from the first film: The first film had a rainy scene with T Rex - this movie had a rainy scene with T Rex, the first film had kids acting crazy and getting into trouble - this film had kids acting crazy and getting into trouble, the first film had a great white hunter - this film had a great white hunter, the first film had humans playing cat & mouse with raptors - this film had humans playing cat & mouse with raptors.... you get the ideal!

Plus the final act ruins an otherwise "ok" film. And I'm sorry folks, but.... T Rex chasing people in the Hawaiian country side may work, but T Rex chasing people in San Diego does NOT work (where suspense and anxiety should've been present, I in-turn felt amusement)! Don't waste your time and money; watch "Jurassic Park" instead!

Rating: 5

Saving Private Ryan (1998)

Another win for Spielberg!

[9/10 · 15 January 2000]

This film ranks right up there with "Schindler's List", "The Color Purple", and to a lesser extent "Amistad" as Spielberg's greatest endeavor (from a dramatic standpoint). "Saving Private Ryan" is by far the best war movie ever made! The film displays a sort of in-your-face realism-which is probably the next best thing to actually being there. No bombastic music accompanying battle scenes here; the only music you'll get are from rifles and explosions!

I imagine people will be talking about "Saving Private Ryan" 50 years from now as being one of the great classics!

Rating: 10

Nitpicks (minor spoilers):

1.) The opening sequence shows old Ryan reminiscing about the D day landing in Normandy (as if he was actually there), but in reality, Ryan was nowhere near Normandy on D day; therefore, should the perspective had come from someone who was actually there?

2.) After releasing a Nazi P.O.W (to the protest of a few of his subordinates who wanted to seek revenge on for slaughtering one of their friends) Captain Miller (Tom Hanks) gives a nice speech on how killing a man makes him feel further and further from home each time, yet he doesn't take a second's thought when clipping a few Nazi goons in the final act. I guess Miller's philosophy is he doesn't like killing people, unless he has to!

The Fifth Element (1997)

The Fifth Element A.K.A The "Missing" Element (spoilers)

[6/10 · 14 January 2000]

I'll admit it, the first time I saw this movie I was blow away by the graceful F/X, extravagant costumes, and of course Milla Jovovich. But this juicy eye candy can not substitute for a decent plot!

Bruce Willis plays a rundown cabbie in 23rd century New York who's recruited by the government's top brass to--all together boys and girls... TO SAVE THE WORLD!!! No Spit! The guy from "Blade" uttered those exact words, yes they were that cheesy with the script! And of course he's a natural born war hero with a dozen medals/trophies and whatnot. But one must ask, "What is this ultimate force which threatens to destroy the "entire universe"? Is it an advanced alien species bent on conquest? Nope. Is it some unique space virus? Sorry, try again. But rather a (get this) a 1,200 mi diameter fireball which is headed for Earth (uh-huh).

C'mon, that's absurd! Even acting Prez "Tiny" Lister Jr. rolled his eyes while quoting the exact same line--as if to say, "OhmyGodIcan'tbelieveI'msayingthis!" I mean my 9 year old cousin could've come up with a better plot device than that! Never mind the gaping plot hole of how destroying the Earth will in-turn destroy the entire universe(?) But hey, take it or leave it!

The plot got a little silly in the third act with a "Die Hard" style shoot-out (bet ya $50 bucks this was Willis' ideal) on the Carnival Cruise between Willis, the annoying Ruby Rob (Chris Tucker) and Dogmen bad guys. Actually Rob was rather tolerable at first, but after a while you were really ready for someone to vaporize him! Then all of a sudden, everyone gets dead serious in the final act when the fireball decides it's time to slam into Earth and wipe-out all these annoying characters (you can pretty much figure out the ending yourself).

Rating: 5

Other Nitpicks:

1.) Eventhough the leader of the alien race (forgot their name) accidentally gets entombed at the beginning of the film, he (or his remains) are nowhere to be found when Willis and Co. return later on.

2.) Minutes seem to snail by in the temple on "Earth" when Willis and Co. are fiddling around, yet the view from space would suggest collision between the fireball and "Earth" are imminent.

3.) Ok, which production crew member donated the chocolate syrup leftover from their sundae to pour over Gary Oldman's forehead?

Can't Hardly Wait (1998)

"Can't Hardly Wait" ... what, for this?

[1/10 · 13 January 2000]

I can't believe that people would waste $7.00 bucks to this crap which is nothing more than your average NBC teeny bopper movies! All of the characters are cardboard cut-outs from previous teeny bopper flicks: The poor little rich girl who whines if anyone so much as breathes on her parent's furniture, to the Casanova wannabee, to the black sheep of the school, to the nerd who ends up scoring all of the girls, Pluleeease!!! I guess this film didn't come with the tag.."No Trees Were Harmed During The Making of This Film".

I "really" feel sorry for Jennifer Love Hewitt. You get the feeling that Hollywood's mocking her with these B movie material scripts--and don't tell me that it's because of her age either! Just take a look at Christina Ricci!

Rating: 1

Star Trek: First Contact (1996)

Chalk up one for Trek!

[9/10 · 13 January 2000]

"Star Trek First Contact" is by far one of the best sci-fi films of all time... right up there with "The Wrath of Kahn" and "The Undiscovered Country". Jonathan Frakes one again proves that he has the right stuff to sit in the director's chair (Unfortunately, I can't say the same for "Insurrection" but that's another review). Plus the film restores my faith in the Borg as the ultimate villains; whereas ST: Voyager has degraded them into incompetent, bubbling, buffoons (a la, "Dark Frontier")!

As for acting, Patrick Stewart delivers his best performance of his trek career (so far); as well as the supporting cast: Spiner, Dorn, Cromwell, Woodard, etc... However, Krige's roll as the Borg Queen fell rather flat. But overall a must see for trek and non trek fan alike!

Rating: 9

The Negotiator (1998)

The "thinking" man's action film

[9/10 · 12 January 2000]

With all of the brainless/hokey action flicks which have been served up over the last few years, it's nice to know that there're still some educated directors/producers left in Hollywood... and "The Negotiator" is evident of that!

Sure, the premise is a dead horse: Good Guy gets set up for a murder he didn't commit and thus must prove his innocence. But you could easily forgive this big cliché because of the direction the script takes it. The suspenseful plot keeps you on the edge of your seat through out the film--with a few unique plot twist thrown in for good measure. And while some potential villains stick out like a sore thumb from the get-go, others keep you wondering till the very end--still while other are obvious decoys who's acting is set on "overkill"!

In a perfect world, Samuel L. Jackson and Kevin Spacey would've scored Oscars for Best Actor and Best Supporting Actor (eventhough Spacey's Eastwood style "Make my day!" scenes with Jackson didn't impress me that much), but we knew that wasn't going to happen in the monopolized Oscars.. still, they scored in my book!

Rating: 9

P.S Who's going to pay for all of those broken windows?

Milo (1998)

For night owls only!

[4/10 · 10 January 2000]

I happened to catch this supposed "horror" flick late one Friday night, I wish I'd gone to bed! Tell me.. Is a 3 ft tall raincoat-clad twerp on a gurly bike supposed to convey some sort of fear? Not here, yet Mi-low is still able to beat the crap out of the janitor (Antonio Fargas) who is three times his size(?) uh-huh. And the ending is so pitiful... it just leaves you hanging with nothing to go on what-so-ever! I found myself asking, "Is that it???"

Acting is about as good as it'll get in a low budget film. The aforementioned Fargas delivers a decent performance; but it is my conclusion that Jennifer Jostyn maybe one of the worse actresses to ever strut into Tinsel Town! Sure, cute face, but bad acting.

Rating: 1

L.A. Confidential (1997)

Vain attempt to copy "Chinatown"

[4/10 · 10 January 2000]

There're rumors flying around that guys like this film... well, I for one am a guy, and this I "do not" like! The plot cruises at 2 mph for most of he film, many of the characters are sooo wooden you could chop them in two--note: with the exceptions of Kevin Spacey, Danny DeVito, and the rookie who could pass for 15 (that's not a complement by the way). Plus the film exploits minorities as the typical one dimensional mindless thugs as there're portrayed in most cop flicks; but what could you expect from 1950's LA, or Hollywood for that matter?

Rating: 4

Air Force One (1997)

This was originally intended as a comedy, right???

[3/10 · 21 December 1999]

Is this film a joke or what? This film also makes Air Force One's security seem as top notched as a commercial airliners! Harrison Ford looks (and acts) tired in this film; and apparently is only in it for the pay check (Leslie Nielsen must've originally turned down the roll as the president). The acting is toony from start to finish (especially the final act which is purely played for laughs)! Why is everyone running around the White House like decapitated chickens? Close, as the Vice Prez looks and acts incompetent. Plus Stockwell, as the Defense Secretary acts like a big baby (I half expected someone to give him lollipop after a while)! Not to mention Oldman's stab at a Russian accent, which was worth a few chuckles every now and then (how in the heck can I take terrorist seriously again?)

Rating: 3

Naked City: Justice with a Bullet (1998 TV Movie)

Pretty good for a tv movie (some spoilers)

[8/10 · 6 December 1999]

Naked City: JWAB does a pretty good job of balancing its two A - B stories, eventhough I'm not all that fond of multiple plot movies. And Scott Glen and Courtney B. Vance make a great on screen dual. However, I'm not sure what kind of message a movie sends when two flat-foot country girls can get off scott free with murder, grand theft, and to top it off, win a free flight home (in first class no less--at least from the looks of their attire anyway). Gee, I guess that blue wall of silence is still rather think!

Rating: 8

Judge Judy (1996–2021)

Easy on the Prozac!

[30 November 1999]

I try, I try, I TRY to like this show but Sheindlin (unlike her court room counterparts) displays waaay too much attitude towards her participants (yes, we know you're a redhead despite the weekly dye applications)--treating them as though there're a third party by not even looking at them while addressing them, how rude! Plus, I don't like the way she tries to embarrass some men on national tv by making such sly comments as, "Excuse me Mr. so-in-so but I personally don't find you as attractive as she did so I suggest you shut up!" Weeeell Mrs. Sheindlin, you're no beauty queen yourself, so I suggest "you" get down from your high-horse already!

I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (1998)

I still don't care (minor spoilers)

[1/10 · 28 November 1999]

Just got through seeing this poor excuse for a horror flick on HBO, and what a waste of screen time! If you can't predict who's going to get slashed 30min into the film then something wrong with you! The producers threw in just about every horror movie cliche imaginable (phone lines that conveniently go dead, stormy nights with lots of lighting, etc..) into this film, coupled with contrivances right and left.

Acting isn't that much better: Brandy's good, Freddie Prize. Jr is ok even though he's absent most of the film, only to later show up as a convenient deus ex machina; but Hewitt must have been told to over play her part to the point of her coming off as a typical flaky sorority girl, and don't even get me started on phifer who's a walking cliche! Why is it that these narrow-minded hollywood produces feel the need to cast these stereotypical hot headed, jive talkin', foul mouth, sex machine characters to represent black people? Hopefully, audiences are smarter than the producers think!

Rating: 1