scarlet caulfield Reviews

Orgazmo (1997)

Orgazmoriffic!

[10/10 · 27 June 2002]

Trey Parker is a god! First he brings us Cannibal! The Musical, then this, and of course South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut and BASEketball.

This time around Trey's parodying the porn industry along with the Mormons. I don't think I can even write a full review for this film. It's just too funny and there's too much to say.

Trey, Matt Stone, and Dian Bachar are just hilarious together, as always, and of course no porn or even porn parody would be complete without Ron Jeremy.

All I can say is this is a must see for everyone!!!!!! And the theme song rules too!

Leprechaun 4: In Space (1996 Video)

Exquisite

[7/10 · 27 June 2002]

Leprechaun 4 is that rare film that takes you to a place you never knew existed. In this case it's the world of everyone's favorite leprechaun who has somehow ended up roaming around in space and decides to terrorize some unsuspecting travelers.

The acting is horrendous, the special effects are ultra cheesy, and the story, well, what story? And that's why this film is so great! My favorite part is the decline of Dr. Mittenhand. It creates a parallel to the life of one man, his struggles, his torments, and his eventual transformation into some sort of demented spider/human hybrid. Who hasn't dealt with that same trama and those same pains in their own lives? When his metamorphosis is complete, and he declares his new identity in the heart-wrenching line, "I am no longer Mittenhand, I am Mittenspider!" it is a true milestone reached in cinema.

And of course the Leprechaun represents the antagonist in us all. Big evil comes in quite the small package. The leprechaun, in his quest for his gold, is simply a puppet of capitalism and corporate greed. I think we could all learn a big lesson from this little fellow.

So, to summarize, I give this film a 7, because it is slow at points, but the occasional leprechaun in the pants scene redeems it all. Bravo!

Glen or Glenda (1953)

Hilarious!!!

[8/10 · 27 June 2002]

This is without a doubt Ed Wood's best. While his other films, like Plan 9 From Outer Space, drag a little, this one doesn't contain a single dull moment, although it is a bit long, I'll admit.

Bela Lugosi is the star. His bizarre ramblings/narration and of course Mr. Wood himself feeling women's sweaters create the perfect cinematic experience. The dialogue is just great, and Lugosi has the best lines. The stock footage and the odd dream/porn sequence will have you in stitches.

And the fact that it's not supposed to be funny is what makes it even better. See this film to experience the true brilliance of Wood's work. You'll be an instant fan!

And just remember: Glen is not a homosexual. He is a transvestite.

Killer Condom (1996)

Impressive

[8/10 · 24 June 2002]

*CONTAINS SPOILERS!!*

Killer Condom is not your typical horror film.

Luigi Macaroni is the hard, stoic detective that can't love and dreams of returning to his home in Sicily, the only place that is truly home. He's a character from right of the classic film noir period. His longing to belong is a theme throughout the film. Detective Macaroni, along with nearly every other character in this film, is gay and he finds it impossible to truly belong in the big city of New York.

Meanwhile he's got other problems: clients at the Quickie Hotel keep losing their dicks, and as strings of whores are led into the police station, charged with the heinous crimes, Luigi is the only one who learns the true terror - condoms with large, sharp teeth that attack victims right where it hurts the most. You can probably guess where that would be.

None of his fellow cops will believe his story of these killer condoms because the only witnesses are drug dealers, whores, and pimps. But Luigi stands by his beliefs, eventually saving us all.

Underneath the carnage and the sex, lies a story that is a biting (literally) attack on the religious right and also the Republican party. This film brings out the dark side of the religious right and makes the viewer question the basic foundations of morality.

When Luigi gave his speech at the end about acceptance and tolerance, tears formed in my eyes.

The only thing I can't figure out is why this film, which is German with subtitles, takes place in New York. But perhaps I'm just analyzing too much.

Oh, Killer Condom is absolutely hilarious too. I wish my name was Professor Smirnoff or Luigi Macaroni.

8/10

There's Something About Mary (1998)

Hilarious!!

[10/10 · 29 April 2002]

I hate romantic comedies. However There's Something About Mary is so much more than that, which makes it the greatest romantic comedy ever. It has all the right ingredients: absolutely hilarious characters, great writing, wonderful performances from all, and an adorable, wacky love story.

Ben Stiller is just precious as a former geek still obsessed with his high school dream girl, Mary. He is so cute, clueless, and just irresistible. Cameron Diaz is extremely likeable too as the levelheaded Mary, probably the only sane character in the whole film. She and Stiller are so cute that even I, despiser of romantic comedies, cried at parts because the story was just so sweet.

Besides the two stars, Chris Elliott, Lee Evans, and Matt Dillon are absolutely hilarious as her three stalkers, especially Elliott, and W. Earl Brown is riotous as Mary's brother Warren. The two funniest performances in the film though would have to go to Harland Williams whose five minutes on screen as an insane hitchhiker will leave you in stitches for days, and of course the brilliant dog whose name I can't remember.

There are just so many scenes that bring tears of laughter just thinking about them. This movie is crude, but that's not all it is. It's a film that really touches you and will bring a smile to your face every single time.

10/10 - I LOVE THIS MOVIE!!!

Dazed and Confused (1993)

The Best

[10/10 · 29 April 2002]

The film everyone was toking about. There's just something so special about this movie. It's an ode to an era of confusion, mayhem, pot, and hazing. This is nothing like my high school experience, but everyone I know wishes they could have had just one wild night like the characters in this movie.

The beauty of the film is that it doesn't take itself too seriously. The characters may be from an entirely different era than those of my generation, but the feelings of being trapped in high school and just looking for something more transcends time. It is a universal feeling to all.

The music is perfect, the costumes and hairstyles are laughable, and the performances are so earnest and fun. It is a retrospective tribute to the fun, wild nights that can only happen in high school or college. It invokes feelings of nostalgia, remembrance, and pure exuberance. The mood is just set to music perfectly, especially when Lynyrd Skynyrd's `Tuesday's Gone' plays at the end of the party and Seals and Croft's `Summer Breeze' plays as the sun is rising on Mitch.

The scene on the football field when Floyd is trying to decide where his future will lead is truly emotional and poignant. I think we've all had scenes like this, scenes in our lives that we think will change us forever and we'll never forget. However, as the film ends, we see that these characters have plenty of time to grow old and boring. Right now is the time to have one last drunken, festive summer surrounded by friends, and the time to `wanna dance!'

Lastly, I must mention the breakthrough young cast. Jason London, Ben Affleck, Joey Lauren Adams, Matthew McConaughey, Milla Jovovich, and my personal favorites, Anthony Rapp and Adam Goldberg. They were all so great. This movie is a must for anyone who enjoys reminiscing on the good times.

10/10

Death to Smoochy (2002)

Highly Entertaining

[9/10 · 28 March 2002]

Death to Smoochy was definitely the funniest movie so far this year, although it's not even April yet. The film is funny, but it's less satirical than I was hoping, relying more on profanity and slapstick.

Robin Williams and Edward Norton are a wonder to watch. Williams is as manic as ever, and Norton is wonderfully naïve. I can't get over how versatile he is considering his roles in Fight Club, American History X, and Primal Fear.

I was expecting Death to Smoochy to be on the same plane as classic satires, like Network, but aside from a few great lines and the infamous and hilarious stepfather song, the film was not nearly as dark as it could have been. DeVito seems to think that profanity and violence creates a sneering dark comedy, but truly great films, like The Royal Tenenbaums, are able to be darker still without the violence, but rather through the story and characters.

Visually the film is colorful and lively with great sets, extras, and particularly costumes. And the ice skating climax and all scenes on the Smoochy TV set are pure entertainment.

Every joke doesn't fly, but the ones that do hit hard, and they come quick enough that you barely even notice.

So, in summary, Death to Smoochy is a hilarious and highly entertaining mock of children's television and the blatant exploitation of this deep-pocketed demographic with a satirical edge, but not as much substance as style. But that's OK, you'll still walk out of the theater with a smile on your face.

The Time Machine (2002)

A Disappoint to Say the Least...

[7/10 · 10 March 2002]

It's just a shame when a film based on one of the most enduring novels of all time performs so poorly in the story department. Obviously something went wrong.

Perhaps my expectations were too high. I just couldn't imagine that H.G. Wells' great-grandson would botch his novel so badly, and I was very excited for this movie because I love Guy Pearce. He is one of my favorite actors.

But this adaptation just did not work, and I blame Simon Wells' direction and whoever so poorly adapted the novel into the screenplay.

I enjoyed the first half hour and the last five minutes, however the time traveling sequences make up the bulk of the film, and that is where the story lagged the most.

In the first half hour these characters had feelings and motives, but that was all forgotten when the director decided to rely on awesome special effects instead of simple storytelling during the time traveling. Visually this film was stunning, from the machine, the effects as time passed, the costumes, and the scenery, but there was practically nothing beneath all this glitz to truly capture the viewer's interest.

Also the time traveling sequences made absolutely no sense. There were so many inconsistencies. Yes, this is science fiction, but there was absolutely no logic dictating how time travel works in the film because I suppose the director didn't care enough to include that. Perhaps he thought if he created something pretty enough it would distract away from the lack of sense in the story.

Another thing that truly bothered me was the way Guy Pearce's character seemed to be almost schitzophrenic throughout the film. When does a humble physics professor turn into an action hero? He was fighting a genetically engineered warrior and talking about starting a rebellion! He changed that much all in the course of two days?

I walked out of the theater with so many unanswered questions, the primary one being, "If H.G. Wells had a time machine, would he travel to 2002 and boycott this empty adaptation?" I think he would.

I gave it a 7 just because the visuals were extraordinary and the performances were fine throughout.

Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves (1991)

Exhilarating Adventure

[9/10 · 26 February 2002]

I have seen Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves so many times and yet it still thrills me the 100th time as much as it did the first. I just can't ever get enough of this near perfect adventure film.

I've always cherished films set in medieval times. There's just something about the plights of the oppressed class and the simple heroics of the man who steps forward to fight for honor and better lives for the dismal. Then there are the luxuriant castles, the dashing sword fights, the extravagant costumes, the tragically beautiful princess he's destined to fall in love with, and the evil power-hungry villain who will stop at nothing to be King.

OK, it's a bit of a cliché, but this formula makes for the perfect escapist film and one thrilling and emotional ride. No, it isn't original, but it's just got everything you'd ever want from a film.

The story of Robin Hood has been done so many times, and (unlike most of his other roles) Kevin Costner is not only believable, but actually quite good this time (well, except for the accent, but nobody's perfect).

Alan Rickman is just flawlessly devious as the Sheriff of Nottingham. Nobody could have done it better, and he also had the best lines ("Because it's dull, it'll hurt more!")

This was sadly Kevin Costner's last great film, as he went on to star in such duds as Waterworld and the dismal The Postman. Christian Slater, Morgan Freeman, Sean Connery, and especially Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio give their all, creating a truly emotional and powerful film. I don't understand why the ratings are so low.

The ending is just beautiful. I boo at the sheriff, cheer for Robin, and cry during Robin and Marian's post-sword fight embrace every time, and you will too if you ignore the cynics and give this adventure a chance.

9/10

The Royal Tenenbaums (2001)

Wes Anderson's Best Yet!

[10/10 · 18 February 2002]

The Royal Tenenbaums is that rare movie gem that leaves viewers thinking, "I shouldn't be laughing at this," in between their cackles and grins.

Wes Anderson is the young and brilliant man in the director's chair. The Royal Tenenbaums towers over his last film, the superb Rushmore, leaving no doubt that more masterpieces are yet to come.

The greatest part of the film isn't the story - it's the characters.

Gene Hackman is exceptional as Royal Tenenbaum, the estranged father of three child geniuses who are now grown. It's beyond me how he wasn't nominated for an Academy Award.

Ben Stiller, Gwyneth Paltrow and especially Luke Wilson are extraordinary as the three now adult Tenenbaums.

Anjelica Huston shines as their mother, and Owen Wilson (who also co-wrote the screenplay) playing their childhood friend Eli Cash, is hilarious, as always. It is just impossible to name one performance as a standout, as all in the cast are absolutely radiant and deserve praise and honors.

The characters are so out there, yet still believable and even familiar at times.

They showed some traits that are likewise found in my friends and myself, which made me feel all the more guilty for laughing at their misfortunes.

I suppose, however, that that's what this movie tries to do.

Some people have told me that this film is too dark and "offbeat," but I think it tries to get us to take life less seriously and sit back and laugh at ourselves, even when everything is going wrong.

Call it an utterly dark comedy or a hilarious drama, it doesn't even matter: The Royal Tenenbaums is an all-out masterpiece.

Moulin Rouge! (2001)

Wow!

[10/10 · 18 February 2002]

When I walked out of the theater after seeing Moulin Rouge for the first time I was speechless. It took days for all I had just seen to sink in. I saw it two more times in the theaters and walked away always craving more. This film just "woke me up" so to speak and rejuvenated my spirits which were crushed by the mass-produced monotonous films of the season.

Baz Luhrmann is a visual genius. He decided that he was going to spend millions of dollars making a lavish, all out, decadent, artistic musical experience. He could have spent this money making the next hallow Schwarzenegger film, but instead he decided to go out on a limb and a masterpiece was the final product.

Some people have argued that this film merely shows glitz and glamour over substance, but I disagree. As he did with his version of Romeo and Juliet, Luhrmann has a way of using visual brilliance and music to convey emotions that could never be done with conventional filmmaking. The extraordinary artists, designers, and editors are the stars of the film, but the performers, especially Kidman, McGregor, and Broadbent steal the show.

The songs are incredible too. Only Luhrmann could combine Nirvana, Queen, Elton John and other pop figures into one giant montage of artistic vision. It feels as though the songs were written for the movie, as they work perfectly with each scene, and the stars can sing beautifully too!

This film is a work of love. It is obvious that everyone who was involved with the picture took it to heart. The story I'll admit is not original - in fact it's very similar to Romeo and Juliet, a story which has been beaten to the ground at this point. But the film is still very original as it takes the feelings and emotions of love and splashes them across the screen in every scene. In the first half of the film we see the mystical world of Bohemia through the eyes of Christian who is in love. Much like in Romeo and Juliet, during the second half the mood changes leading up to an emotional climax.

However, it is when he is in love that Bohemia sparkles, showing how love can change everything. This film is essentially a tribute to the power of love to change one's world.

I suggest that you watch this film with an open mind and an open heart, and just let yourself fall into this irrational glittering world of Bohemia during the "summer of love." You too will fall in love with Luhrmann's style, trust me.

Erin Brockovich (2000)

I don't get it...

[6/10 · 18 February 2002]

I thought this movie was OK. I was stunned when it was nominated for so many awards, and then when it actually won! I couldn't believe it. Was I missing something?

I thought this was your pretty typical movie, nothing special. Julia Roberts' performance is OK, definitely not Oscar caliber though. As a whole I just felt that there was nothing special about the story, the acting, or the dialogue.

If anything this was a little above mediocre, solely because of its social messages about the plights of single mothers and the tiny law firm taking on a giant corporation.

So to summarize, there's simply nothing special about this movie. See it once when you have nothing better to do.

6/10

Gone with the Wind (1939)

Classic

[10/10 · 18 February 2002]

What can I say about this film that hasn't already been said? It's a true classic.

Vivien Leigh is astonishing in one of my all-time favorite performances. It's so hard for me to believe that this movie is from the '30s because it's so timeless.

Love stories set against the background of war are a movie cliche at this point, but Gone With the Wind was original for its time, and is simply the greatest love story of all time.

You'll find yourself cheering for Scarlet then cheering for Rhett, then crying for both. The acting is first class (naturally considering how many legendary performers starred), and the scenery and locations are just stellar and brilliant thanks to the color technology first used in the '30s.

Victor Fleming and the rest of the crew recreated the time period so well that I sometimes forget that this is a film from the 1930s and not footage from the 1860s.

This is also the most accurate retelling of a novel that I've ever seen. The only differences I noticed are that in the book Scarlet has three children, not one. This is one movie that lives up to the book.

In short, Gone With the Wind is a touching look at the people caught in the middle of a war, and allowed me to actually feel compassion (despite their political beliefs) for the people who happened to live in the South, and is also the greatest love story ever told.

See this movie and you too will recite the final dialogue between Rhett and Scarlet with tear soaked cheeks forever... and never get sick of it.