abelhawk Reviews

Futurama: Naturama (2012) Season 9, Episode 13

I laughed my head off!

[10/10 · 13 April 2024]

I love episodes like this when they're done sparingly. The fun of these jokes comes from the viewers' familiarity with the existing characters and their appearances and voices. The satire of real science and biology skewed in such absurd ways is just hilarious.

The first segment is about salmon, focusing on the spawning and survival of salmon throughout their lives. The second is about Galapagos tortoises and their near extinction, as well as the evolution of finches. And the third is about elephant seals and their social hierarchy. The jokes in all three mainly rely on knowledge of existing scientific knowledge and how Futurama's characters might fit into those situations. For example, Bender and his self-centered nature fits with the elephant seal Beachmaster, and Professor Farnsworth in his old age acting as an ancient tortoise.

I laughed till I cried at how absurd this episode was and the jokes that caught me off guard. Clearly, the voice actors, animators, and writers were having a great time, and I enjoyed it along with them. Enjoying this episode requires an appreciation of scientific facts and a humorous perception of them.

Lisa Frankenstein (2024)

I don't usually give anything a 1-star review, but...

[1/10 · 16 February 2024]

There was absolutely nothing redeeming about this movie. The main character is at first an awkward outcast, and then out of nowhere she's a cringey confident girl who has no respect for life. At first the subversion of plot structure tropes made me curious as to how the ending would go, but I didn't even make it that far. After an hour and a bit of unlikeable characters, awkward sex jokes, terrible acting, and long boring scenes seeming to exist just to fill up time, I walked out to spare myself from wasting any more of my evening.

I come to movies to laugh, cry, cheer, or at the very least smile, and this movie had nothing good in it to incite any emotion at all. I'm not even sure what the movie writer's goal was with this film. And I'm super surprised it has higher than a 3 here on IMDb. Even the special effects were the caliber of a Saturday Night Live sketch. Don't waste your time on it.

WALL·E (2008)

Extremely overrated

[3/10 · 24 September 2023]

I get that Wall-E is a cute robot, and I understand that the subplot of him and EVE is precious in a few moments, but I am baffled at how people can give the movie as a whole a 10/10. "The best movie of the century"? Really? The story is contrived, the "eco-friendly" message is shoved down your throat, and the live action footage at the beginning clashes uncannily with the roly-poly CGI humans later. Wall-E is another sad classic example of people just falling in love with the company instead of the movie. No one who loves the movie has been able to explain to me what makes it good. They just say I'm heartless for not liking it and give my reviews a thumbs-down.

I watched Wall-E once and found it tasteless. I have no desire to watch it again.

Dudes & Dragons (2015)

Too long and takes itself too seriously

[3/10 · 23 July 2022]

I've seen worse low-budget movies, but the problem with this film is its pacing. It has some funny parodic humor in it, but it also spends too much time trying to be a serious fantasy film so it ends up being cheesy and cringey.

If its duration was cut in half by cutting out dead air, some of the more redundant and silly conversations, and just making things happen more quickly, you'd have a pretty fun comedy where you wouldn't notice the excessive green screening, low-budget costumes and props, and fake CGI.

Instead, you have a film that's funny for about 20 minutes, and then you start feeling embarrassed for wasting your time waiting for the plot develop among tacky banter and a clichéd plot.

I think this could've been more successful as a YouTube movie, but the fact that this went all the way to a feature length film on Amazon just makes it unclear who the intended audience is.

The Void: Rebooted (2019– )

Delightfully ridiculous

[9/10 · 2 April 2022]

This show has got all the self-aware silliness of any comedy sitcom, with all the exaggeration and ridiculous jokes that come with it. The pacing of the humor is very well done, the acting and cinematography is top-notch, and while the special effects are fake, it's purposeful and it fits the dynamic of the show's humor. I really recommend trying this show out. It's a big laugh.

The Legend of Vox Machina (2022– )

Overrated but fun.

[6/10 · 1 February 2022]

Everyone marking 10 stars is blinded by the excitement of this series existing at all. Yes, it's a fun series with great dialog and well done animation. Yes, it's a unique series that will have an amazing place among other cartoons and possibly pave the way for more D&D content. But it's not perfect. Like all works made for a specific audience, it focuses on gaining views through fanservice rather than solid quality.

Why does Vex seek information about dragons from a magic items dealer when she herself said she's an expert on them? To introduce Gilmore for no reason other than to make a cameo appearance, of course.

Why does Uriel hire Vox Machina as the exclusive protectors of Emon after a single task they were lucky to complete? To set up the series without all the adventures in the original story to back it up.

Why does Grog yell "I would like to rage" out loud? Because that was his player's catch phrase in the game of Critical Role. Think about how absurd of a battle cry that would be for an actual fighter in a fantasy universe to say in character. It's like Keyleth yelling "I would like to cast call lightning on the dragon!"

I'm sure this show will be enjoyable for critters all the way through, myself included, but objectively people have to realize it's not a 10-star show. It's contrived for the fans who backed the Kickstarter and not for general audiences, and I guess we'll see if that's enough to keep it alive.

Christmas with the Chosen: The Messengers (2021)

Not as good as the series, but I hope this helps fund new seasons

[5/10 · 20 December 2021]

I was looking forward to a more traditional performance of the nativity with the Chosen's signature level of quality, but it was basically just a short about Mary bookended by overperformed Christian rock covers of Christmas hymns. I was disappointed.

BUT...

I'm okay with this if the profits go directly to funding Season 3 so we can continue that story.

Risen (2016)

Okay, but what is its message?

[6/10 · 30 March 2021]

The first half of this movie is great. It shows the other Roman point of view we don't see in the biblical Gospels, and it does a great job of doing so. However, by the end, I'm confused at what the "inspiring" message is. The tribune doesn't believe until he sees irrefutable evidence. Isn't that the opposite of faith? I feel like there was a missed opportunity to have a story of finding the truth without seeing it with the your own eyes that would have fit a story about Christ more relevantly.

Christmas Oranges (2012)

Could've been good, but poorly made

[3/10 · 13 December 2020]

Overall, the "feel-good" aspect of the movie will appeal to less picky viewers, but I found the cringey acting and the poor pacing of the plot distracting. The climax of the film was done well, but the resolution as a whole felt very forced and the redemption of the villain undeserved.

Freaky Friday (1976)

Completely obsolete and inaccessible

[3/10 · 30 May 2020]

This movie must have been really funny in the 70s. Unfortunately, the movie is based so much on the differences between 1970s adults and teenagers that it utterly dates itself more than any other film I've ever seen. The conflicts all arise out of technologies that are nonexistent today: landline phones, electric typewriters, dark rooms and camera film, "rum raisin ice cream." No one in the current generation could empathize or even sympathize with any of the characters. Thus, the film is a fossil and completely inaccessible to anyone born within the past 30 years.

The Lion King 1½ (2004 Video)

Why does this movie exist?

[2/10 · 10 January 2020]

I just can't understand how Disney could go through all the steps of making this film. It's essentially a clip show of all the main moments in The Lion King, but from Timon and Pumbaa's point of view. The only humor in it is the dramatic irony of already seeing the first film, and hence, there are no stakes in the plot and absolutely nothing to be gained.

It's not bad, it's just utterly unnecessary and bafflingly tasteless.

Ralph Breaks the Internet (2018)

Surprisingly good!

[8/10 · 31 July 2019]

I didn't have high hopes for this movie and just watched it with my kids just since we hadn't seen it yet. But I really enjoyed it! It had plenty of internet references and jokes for my wife and me, and my kids had plenty of funny and exciting parts to keep them entertained.

I was really impressed with the outside-the-box "moral" or "message" of the show, that is, that friends don't have to be interested in the same things or be close to each other to still be friends. That's a big theme with internet and social media and resonated with me deeply.

The movie had its moments of cliché plot points and some parts that were sappy just like all Disney movies nowadays, but overall I was very pleasantly surprised at the depth of the movie and just how funny it was.

I Am Elizabeth Smart (2017 TV Movie)

Visual representation to understand what happened: Great. As a film: Okay.

[6/10 · 28 June 2019]

It's great to have the context from Elizabeth Smart herself in this movie. It's also really good to appreciate a bit more what she went through and how miraculous it was that she not only survived, but is mentally fine after all that abuse. Obviously, since Elizabeth herself is narrating the film, you can be sure that everything in the movie happened and nothing was needlessly dramatized.

However, from a filmmaker's standpoint, it could have been a bit better. They could have skipped back and forth between her point of view and that of her parents' to show their efforts in trying to find her and the developments that were going on outside her campsite. They didn't even explain how the police knew to find her (her sister remembered the voice of the suspect and they tracked him down).

I also don't like how through narration Elizabeth seems to try and justify all her actions throughout the piece. Does anyone doubt that she wanted to stop being abused? The film almost seems like a reply video to a bunch of people that question why she didn't yell for help. I dunno. To me, it's obvious and was forced a bit much, but maybe that's the audience Elizabeth was wanting to address in particular.

Overall, a great documentary of the kidnapping of Elizabeth Smart. Cinematically, it could have been improved, but it did the job for the purpose it was filmed for.

Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory (1971)

An affront to the book and absurd to boot

[2/10 · 7 February 2019]

Sure, if you have good memories of watching this as a kid, you'll see it with rose-colored goggles, but the movie is really bad. The acting is terrible, especially by the main character Willy Wonka himself, the additions of characters like Slughorn are unnecessary, and in the end, Charlie wins it all even though he and grandpa Joe were as bad as the other children! Roald Dahl himself was so upset at this movie's adaptation of his book that he demanded in his will that no more Willy Wonka books be made into movies. That should tell you how terrible this film is.

The Wicker Man (2006)

It's just bad.

[3/10 · 21 October 2018]

Honestly, I didn't care too much about Nicolas Cage's crazy acting and stuff, which gets a lot of flak. What I hated was that they had a decent flow and setup for a cool ending, and then just left it hanging in the most unsatisfying way ever. It just has no redeeming qualities at all.

Extinction (2018)

It's fine.

[5/10 · 31 July 2018]

It's okay. I don't really get the theme and there's nothing great or terrible about it. It's definitely a movie.

Disturbia (2007)

It's okay, I guess.

[5/10 · 20 May 2018]

It was an exciting premise, but my problem with it was that it was fascinating and riveting for the entire beginning and middle of the film, but the ending seemed too rushed and didn't feel satisfying.

Osmosis Jones (2001)

It made me physically ill to watch

[4/10 · 26 March 2018]

This film had a somewhat interesting premise, and clever metaphors in the sense of what parts of the body did what if it were all a city, but it's overall not a great movie. And some of the live action sequences and scatological jokes honestly just nauseated me. Something about seeing the camera zooming in on a filthy, grungy-looking Bill Murray's mouth as he chewed a boiled egg he picked up off the ground made me never want to eat again. I also dislike most of the voice acting, and the live action and animation dissonance seemed unnecessary. Maybe if the whole thing was animated, they could've pulled something interesting off. Overall, it's not recommended. They had a good idea, went way too gross of an angle with it, and ultimately fell short of what they could've done with teaching about how the human body works and whatnot.

Beauty and the Beast (I) (2017)

Sloppy and above all, unnecessary

[1/10 · 30 September 2017]

I don't see why Disney feels like they have to make live action remakes of their classics just FOR THE SAKE OF making live action remakes of their classics. This film had 0 innovation, was essentially a poorly-acted scene-for-scene remake of the animated version, and just didn't have an ounce of the magic of the old classic. Emma Watson was a very unconvincing Belle. The beast looked utterly fake—like Snapshot-filter fake. I've seen better CGI in old 90s movies. The "humor" was tasteless, the twists on the songs were ridiculous, and there always seemed to be too many extras on screen at the same time, as if no one in the film had a life but to be watching the main plot unfold—it was almost exactly like a live musical of the original Beauty in the Beast with bad CGI and without the charm of an actual live performance. And for a story that takes place in mid-1700s France, there were TOO MANY black people in this film! I'm not being racist at all, I'm simply wishing that the film had enough dignity to be historical. It would be odd for a movie that takes place in India to have Caucasian and Asian people in it, so why did they feel the need to make mid-1700s France look like South Africa?

Above everything else wrong with this anathema of a movie, this film was utterly and exhaustingly predictable. I knew exactly what was going to happen in every single beat of the film. Why was this film made? The classic is always going to be the best, so why dress people up in CGI clothes and costumes and make them recite lines from it again? There is no reason for anyone to watch this movie. It is redundant and soulless, and an enormous waste of time.

The Benchwarmers (2006)

Who's the audience?

[4/10 · 12 May 2017]

I liked this when it came out and I was a teen, but now that I'm older, I realize why it bombed so hard. It doesn't have a clear audience. The jokes and acting are cheesy and juvenile, and the main moral of the story is aimed to be inspirational, urging the audience to avoid bullying, help children get a chance to try and win, winning isn't everything, etc., as if it's a family movie. And yet, the movie is littered with mature jokes, crude humor, bad attitudes, and profanity— things no self-respecting parent would want to let their children partake of. It's got a handful of jokes in it, but its message, no matter its importance in real life, is lost.

The Cokeville Miracle (2015)

A good movie about a true story

[7/10 · 12 February 2016]

I honestly can't help but laugh at these negative reviews about this movie. If you don't like the acting, effects, etc., fine, but giving the movie 1 star because you don't like the way the miracles in the movie were shown is stupid. The accounts of angels and miracles are documented by real people who went through this terrible situation. Whether they're true or not is besides the point. Some people on here are saying "Why would God save them and not others," but this is a question unrelated to this movie's quality and presentation. It's like giving God Himself or the kids who told gave these accounts 1 star. The director and actors presented a documented story as told by real people. They didn't take any liberties or choose the way the story ended. If you're not religious, you probably won't appreciate the movie, but don't blame the directors for making "religious propaganda" or relating events that "don't make sense if God is a just god." The events did happen, or at least that's what the children said. Take it up with them if you don't believe it.