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Reviews
Pervert! (2005)
Evertyhing you could want in a movie, and then some
Well, all I can say is, WOW! From the opening montage of gigantic bare breastesses in various forms of gyration, I had a feeling that this was going to be something different from anything released in the last couple of decades, and boy was I right. The plot is secondary, but I'll surmise as best as I can. We start off with James (Sean Andrews) traveling across the country to spend the summer with his dad, Hezekiah (Darrell Sandeen). On the way we discover that James has a glove compartment full of porno mags and gags. Seems ol' Jimbo has troubles bagging the babes. When James arrives at Hezekiah's modest little ranch, he is introduced to his dad's buxom bombshell, Cheryl (Mary Carey). Well, after a humorous dinner scene involving Cheryl and some corn on the cob, James begins pining for Cheryl, who pretty much is in various stages of disrobing throughout. James finally hits it off with Cheryl, and then they start having sex right under Hezekiah's nose, usually while the old bugger is sleeping. In the meantime, Hezekiah shows James his "studio", which is a small shack devoted to Hezekiah's art, which consists of women made from 'beef jerky', although the beef looks nothing like any steak I've seen. So now Hezekiah finally catches Cheryl and James doing the nasty, flips out, and then later that night can be heard slapping Cherly around in the bedroom. The next day, Cheryl is gone, Hezekiah is acting strange, and James begins to suspect something is going on with his dad.
Well, enough plot, let's get to the goods, and man is there a wealth on display here. I'll try to do this Joe Bob Briggs style, as this HAS to be a movie he would just thoroughly enjoy. We have boobs; a dog using a rubber vagina as a chew toy; boobs; snake on a stick; boobs and butt; bee stings to the face; decapitation; boobs; girl dressed in coyote furs showing some goods; boobs; a child punted against a wall; farting in face; butts; lesbianism; a gay redneck gangsta (I couldn't even make that up); more boobs; shotgun wound to the chest; boobs; and last not but least, a claymation penis. Well, and more boobs.
The women on display here are a classic throwback to the Meyers girls of the late 60's and early 70's, that is to say, gigantic breasts and none have them have missed lunch hour for a couple of years, that's for sure. Not to say they are fat, per se, just "healthy", or "full figured". Overall there are some laugh out loud moments in this one, although some of the jokes fall very flat (the only thing that's flat in this movie, I can tell ya). The acting is anywhere from good (Andrews and Sandeen) to abysmal (Carey, but she wasn't hired for her acting chops). If you are looking for a titillating little doozy to have a smoke and some drinks with, I highly recommend "Pervert!", as this has everything you could want in a movie, and then some. If you are a fan of Russ Meyer films you will love this. If not, stay as far away as possible. And if you've never seen a Russ Meyer flick, after watching this movie you may be piqued to see some. I give credit to Jonathon Yudis for truly giving us the type of movie that has been missing for decades, but has modernized it to reach to most of today's audience.
Final score: 7/10.
Greed (2006)
The greatest dirt bike gang ever.
That's what you get with this movie. That's about all you get with this movie. I am not kidding when I say that two damsels in distress get harassed at a dive bar by a gang (leather jackets, motor-huckle boots, you name it) that has driven up to the bar. On dirt bikes! A hahahahahahahaha! Oh man, I have to give credit where it's due, because when this scene unfolded before my eyes, it was the equivalent of cinemtic masturbatory bliss! I have never laughed so hard in my life! Oh, you also get ATV chases, more dirt bikes, rock climbing, and some escaped ape of a dude who goes around "axing" people. Seriously, if you have somehow stumbled upon the hell which is this movie, watch it just for that scene alone. You'll dig it, man! Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!
Schiave bianche - Violenza in Amazzonia (1985)
The Nude, the Blood, and the Boobies
Being a "connoisseur" of bad and tasteless cinema, I didn't really track this flick down, but more or less stumbled upon it at Best Buy. Well, what do you expect from a review on the front that says "The blood flows freely, and the clothes drop often." SHAZAM! Now, I am seasoned enough to know that usually when you see tags like that, the exact opposite happens. Not so in this case. I am not even going to bother with the story line, as that has been discussed already. Instead, let's focus on the exploitation factors. Nudity? Loads of it. The lead actress is pretty much nekkid for 3/4 of the film. This distracts from an otherwise horrid acting performance, but hey, we're not looking for Oscar nominees with titles like "White Slave", are we? Blood and violence? Oh yes, we have that as well, and some of it is actually pretty decent! Let's see: Decapitations- check. Blow darting- check. Gratuitous acts of animal violence (a tiger jumping up and nailing this little monkey is pretty sweet)- check. We also have random club beatings, and people hung upside down to be eaten alive by insects. Yeah, this was definitely a good way to knock off an hour and a half of my life. Anyway, if you're looking for another Cannibal Holocaust, forget it. This is just a guilty pleasure, with no scars left behind (unlike Cannibal Holocaust), and one worth checking out. I give it 7 out of 10 for more boobies than you can shake a stick at.
Black Christmas (1974)
Essential viewing for fans of horror, and thrillers alike
Easily the scariest movie I have ever bore witness to, even to this day, Black Christmas set the standard for the "slasher movie." I could drone on for hours about how much I enjoy this movie, but I'll try to keep this short. If you don't know the plot, here it is: Sorority house during X-mas break, where we learn the girls have been receiving obscene phone calls, inter-mixed with some unknown intruder scaling up a wall to an open attic window. What follows are some of the most intense, and downright harrowing phone calls, switching from sexual innuendos and pig noises, to what seems like different characters screaming out names that make no sense (not at first, anyway). The story progresses with Jess (Hussey), seeming to be the recipient of the calls, telling her boyfriend Peter (Dullea) that she is pregnant, but does not want to keep the baby. Peter flips out, and starts to act a little cuckoo himself. Enter John Saxon as Lt. Fuller, who while investigating the disappearance of a 12 yr. old girl, keeps a tab on the strange calls coming in to the sorority house. I'll leave it at that, as the movie keeps you on the edge of your seat until the harrowing ending, which answers nothing and everything at the same time. If you haven't watched this film yet, go find it now. It is well acted, intense, and at times flat out disturbing. This is proof that all the crap that's being thrown out today cannot hold a flame to a movie that was made 30 years ago, with no sex, and limited on-screen violence. What makes this movie is the fact that the killer is never shown, and you really have to pay attention to his babbling on the phone, and with your imagination you can start to piece together why this dude is really off his rocker (no pun intended!). Please keep in mind that this movie predated Halloween, Friday the 13th, etc... by quite a few years, and you can notice some of the quirks that would become standards of these types of movie. However, none have, and ever will, match the creepiness of the "eyeball scene" and others. It still gives me nightmares. In closing, this is more of a serial killer movie than anything else, and when you think about people like Ted Bundy who actually went into a sorority house in Florida, and killed young women, it just makes it all the more terrifying.
If you have an attic, nail the door shut.
9 out of 10 stars.
Masters of Horror (2005)
Good start....
Okay. It was with much anticipation that I sat down to watch the first installment of this Showtime series, and Don Coscarelli's take on Joe R. Lansdale's story "Incident on and off a Mountain Road", has us off and running, and I can say that over-all I was not disappointed in the least. Although formulaic at times as a straight slasher-type film, this short delivers in tension, build-up, and some downright nasty stuff at Moonface's place to overcome any weaknesses, and there are not many. The direction and acting are above average (especially the scene stealing Angus Scrimm), and there is enough back-story to make you feel for the lead character and her plight. Although the ending was not all that surprising (to me anyway), the way it is handled by the leads makes it all the more uncomfortable, and the final shot is creepy as hell. Also, it looks as if this show is not going to shy away from the nasty stuff, so keep little junior from watching this.
Grade: A-
Wedding Crashers (2005)
An instant classic
Every once in a while, a movie lives up to it's hype. Or in this case, word of mouth. I can't remember the last time every person who saw a certain movie said, "You have to go see this." Wedding Crashers breaks that barrier, in that it IS that good! It is a throwback to the raunchy comedies of the late 70's and early 80's (yes folks, it belongs with Animal House, Caddyshack, Vacation, etc...), in that there is no pretense of avoiding offending such touchy subjects as race, date rape, sexual orientation, men looking at women as conquests. But it succeeds in that it does not go over the top into pure sleaze, but walks a fine line teetering on tasteless at times, but always hilarious. The film is driven by the leads, Vaughn and Wilson. Out of all the so-called "frat-pack" film pairings, this one nails it. Vaughn's infamous rat-a-tat-tat deliveries, mixed with Wilson's laid back approach, makes for some of the most memorable moments and quotes in Hollywood's long and storied past. This isn't a bunch of teens running around looking for tail, and getting into uncanny predicaments. It's 2 thirty-somethings doing it! The plot takes a back seat to the events that unfold, but when they do, the next thing you know you are laughing so much that you don't want it to end. I have to go see the film again, for I probably missed a few good lines since the laughter was so loud in the theater. Now, ask yourself. When's the last time you were able to say that? Not only 10 out of 10. But a pre-order, uncut(hopefully!) DVD order as well. A true can't miss film.
The Gong Show (1976)
The Bong Show
That's what this show could have been called! As a child watching this, I always wondered why everybody acted so nuts on this show, especially Chuck Barris, and now I know why. Blow. And lots of it. My God, remember how Barris used to constantly flick at his nose? Ahh, the 70's. Shows like this, and Match Game, were just half hour exploitations of the Hollywood B list. These people were just out to have a good time. The Unknown Comic? A dude with a brown bag over his head. I used to laugh just looking at him. And that was the point. When this show was at it's peak, it was comic zaniness of insane proportions. God I miss being a child again.
Shallow Ground (2004)
Yeahhh, Bloody Boyyyyyyyy!!!
It's always nice to be pleasantly surprised by an indie, low-budget horror flick, and this is one that fits the bill. Shallow Ground is unique in it's premise, but actually falls into some classic genre staples, like sound induced scares, and people being stalked in the woods. But what's nice about this film, is that it looks, and more importantly, FEELS like something you haven't quite seen yet, and that is this movies biggest asset. The film starts out eerily enough, with a blood covered boy entering a soon to be abandoned police station in the middle of BFE, if you catch my drift. Things begin to take shape after that, and we get an actual mystery involving some disappearances of some local yokels from a year ago. That's as far as I'll go on the plot, other than to say it keeps you thinking, and you're never quite sure where it's going until the climax. That's the good, along with some very good editing, a very disorienting soundtrack (it works), and some actual acting abilities on display. There isn't much bad to say about this film, other than the strange addition of Ray, who I think was the deputy's dad (she calls him Ray), who seems to know more than anyone else, although how or why he does is never explained. A little back-story on him would have helped. All in all, I can't count how many times I have been duped by a DVD cover, proclaiming movies to be the next generation in horror movies. This time, the accolades are justified. The director has obvious skills (catch the making of documentary) and imagination, along with a creative vibe to bring something original to the table, w/out copping out to being yet another 70's homage film. Yes, the influences are there, but they take a back seat to a fresh approach to a genre that is being over-run with the same things over and over again. This one's worth a view. 7 out of 10 stars.
The Last Broadcast (1998)
The Last Braincell
At least that's what this movie took from me after the stupefying, out of left field, and invariably, pathetic ending. After having seen Blair Witch, and being of sound mind quite impressed with that pictures downright creepy atmosphere, I was actually quite enthralled with this movie. The first 3/4 of the picture went by with a great amount of mystery and suspense, much like BWP, but that's where the similarities stop. Both plots are similar, this one being a documentary about a live internet broadcast of a search for the Jersey Devil in the woods. However, the ending is what separates these two. Where BWP had an ending that left you out of breath, this film went the route of cheap B fare, by trying to shock you with a surprise. It fails miserably, and that is why Blair Witch has become notorious, and hailed by some as a horror masterpiece, while this movie has sunk to late night and mid-afternoon showings on the IFC. I swear to God I have never been more angry after watching a movie then when this thing ended. I'll admit, I was along for the whole ride, and then when I saw the end, I first laughed. Out loud. With nobody around. This guy makes Robin Williams in One hour Photo look like Jason Voorhees, except he doesn't even come across as a psycho! Then I got p*****d off that I had been duped out of an hour and a half of up to that point, a pretty decent flick. Ignore the people here who claim this "predecessor" to BWP is the better film. It's not. Not even in the same ball park. Could have been, but when you have an ending to a film this bad, it just wipes away the experience as a whole.
3 out of 10 stars for effort, but -7 for pulling the rug out.
Monster Man (2003)
Eli Roth....Please Take Notes
This is how Cabin Fever SHOULD have been made. If you are going to make a slapstick horror movie, borrowing classic elements from the genre (and truthfully, what horror movie doesn't?), then this is how you do it. Stick to your guns, and make it fun from the first shot, and don't let off the gas! Monster Man truly surprised me in that it is some good, cheesy fun, but with some great gore! And the part where Harley is stuck under the corpse in the half crushed car trying to get out, is laugh out loud funny! Is this a perfect film? Far from it, but you need to take it at face value. You are in on the joke from the opening moments that nothing is going to be taken seriously in this movie, and if you watch it with that frame of mind, I think you will enjoy it. I mean, really. A mangled faced dude driving a MONSTER TRUCK? That premise alone sets it up for failure if you are going to try to play it straight. But there are some creepy elements to this movie as well (their first "out of truck" confrontation with the driver in the woods comes to mind), and it plays off the comedy w/out overlapping in some cases, truly reminding you that this is a horror flick. All in all, there are better movies out there, but God it's so refreshing to see something unique besides the constant churning of re-makes, and re-hashes. *******/**********.
Open Water (2003)
Tense and taut little thriller
I really enjoyed this movie. Didn't know what to expect when I rented it, but I am glad I did. The story involves a couple, who on a whim decide to take a quick Caribbean vacation, left behind on a scuba diving expedition in the middle of the ocean. Sounds simple, right? Well that's what makes this movie enjoyable in the first place. You spend some time in the beginning of the movie watching the couple interact at the hotel, enough to like them. But then about 20 minutes in, after boarding a scuba charter boat, they are stranded in the ocean, their charter nowhere in sight. Here is the first pivotal moment of the movie. They spot two boats far away, in either direction, and have to decide to swim towards one, the other, or just stay where they are. It's probably obvious if you are reading this now, but doesn't change the fact that they are surrounded by the wilds of the deep, mostly sharks. If you are looking for Jaws, this isn't the place to be. It is most impressive that the feeling I had while watching this movie, was claustrophobic, and the setting was the frigging Atlantic Ocean! A testament to the film-makers, and the use of LIVE sharks in the waters. Add to that the low clarity digital video camera used in the filming, and you feel like you're watching your best friends documentary of their vacation. Gone horribly wrong. Complaints against this movie seem to focus on the ultra low-budget constraints of camera, lighting, CGI, blah, blah, blah. This doesn't need that. You have more suspense and drama in watching what could actually happen to you, than anything involving explosions, name actors, and loud obnoxious music ever will. The ending to this left me empty, which is what anyone who watches this should feel. It sucks. But if you can imagine what these two people would have actually suffered through for 1 day, it makes all the sense in the world. Worth a watch. 7/10.
House of the Dead (2003)
I am humbled......
I thought I had seen the worst of the worst movies in my day, but this is the topper. Let me start off by saying that my curiosity, boredom, and the fact that I love zombie movies, led me to the unenviable task of sitting down on a cold, Friday evening, with a few beers, and this movie on ON DEMAND. I had never heard a good word about this movie, and should have heeded others' advice to just stay away!
Where do I start?The acting is so bad, it's beyond description. I can tell you this with great authority. These people will be washing cars for the rest of their lives after this debacle. Of course, the "script", "plot", and"direction" led them to no other course than making the best out of a 3rd grade Playhouse production. In one scene, some blonde bimbo in a tent, now aware that her lover has vanished and that the grunting noises and shadows outside spell trouble, begins to cry. Or laugh. Orboth. I swear to God to this day, I couldn't tell, that's how bad she was.
The plot? Kids go to a rave, zombies attack, more "youngsters" arrive late, everyone is missing, they start to drink, find a house with other ravers who managed to escape, and now the zombies chase them. That's it. Oh, you think there are maybe little sub-plots happening? Nope. Nothing. Brilliant! I also love the fact that a whole rave gets jacked by the zombies, and we get to see 2 seconds of it from some goobers video camera. Thanks. Really appreciated that stroke of genius.
Direction? To obviously create "filler" space (the whole movie is, actually), there are tons of sky cam shots flying over the boat and the island. I mean to the point of being annoying enough I was reaching for the Dramamine. They also intersperse actual clips from the video game! Are you kidding me?! Thank God I didn't pay to see this. Financially, anyway.
To wrap it up, with the grace of God above, I hope nobody ever lets this man direct another movie as long as I'm alive. This is the kind of movie that unfortunately, gives the horror genre such a bad rep. Need further proof? Look at this sites Worst Movie list. I think 65% of the movies are sci-fi, horror, etc...
In closing, it's a shame that movies like this are thrown to us en masse, while directors like Eric Stanze are starving making much better movies (all around) than this. I give it 1/10. For a lot of gratuitous nudity.
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)
Eternally grateful there are movies like this being made
I can't even begin to put into words the profound effect this film has had on me. From the direction, the photography, the screenplay, and above all, the acting, it's a near perfect score. By the time the credits had rolled, I already had an affection for the principle players, Clementine (Winslet), and Joel (Carrey), who have met on a train. We then find out later that Clementine has had Joel erased from her memory after an argument. Joel learns this, and decides he wants to do the same, only after the procedure has started, he is wishing that he did not go through with it, because he still loves her, and he does not want to lose his memories of her.
Anyone who has ever had any type of long-term relationship will no doubt feel your heart strings tugged. It's a heavy picture, so if you're looking for something like 50 First Dates (similiar premise, almost), you will not find it here. As I stated before, this movie stayed with me for days after I watched it, and damn near brought me to tears every time.
If you're reading this, then the accolades are many, to say the least, and well-deserved. I don't care if this movie does not get any Oscars. I don't care how many people dislike the scatter-shot inter-changing of events, and non-linear time-line. Give this one a chance. From the beautiful, yet haunting, opening theme, to the last shot, the viewer is brought into a dream (sometimes nightmare), that touches on that one thing that few movies can pull-off: real, human emotions.
In parting, if you find the opening a bit drawn, please stay with this until the end. You'll be glad you did, and then you may want to watch it again to find things you didn't the first time around. As Joel says towards the end of the movie, "Just.....wait...." 10/10.
Starship Troopers (1997)
Squash this like the bug that it is!!!
I had to come on here and give this piece of crap the same service the filmmakers gave to the novel. That is, utter disregard, distaste, disservice, and overall malaise. Where do I start? If you haven't seen this, I can sum it up for you with this: The cat that played Doogie Howser trys to play a bad-a**. That's just for starters. Let's move on to Casper van Diem and Denise Richards. Who you say? Exactly. They haven't been seen since, except for Richards on hubby Charlie Sheen's "Two men and a fat kid" sitcom, or whatever it is. But let's be fair here. They have no script to work with. Whatsoever. Verhoeven took a very symbolic, subtle, yet tragic novel, which explores the human nature, and turns it into another Robocop movie. Sorry, Paul. The public is just not buying it anymore. Take your stupid tongue out of your cheek, and try to make a dramatic film that doesn't rely on cheap "attempted" gaffes. I had the pleasure of watching this in a theater (3/4 empty, first tip-off) years ago and, the best lines came from the patrons. Yes, we were hoping beyond all hope, that all the so called "good guys", were impaled, eaten, chopped up, and discarded, along with every reel of this film. I read somewhere that Verhoeven is considered on the "outs" in H-Wood circles, which is what he deserves. An enthusiastic "0" out of 10. If you want a true rail against fascism, get a copy of Salo, and then pick up your jaw off the floor. If you want a case of sour stomach, watch this excrement, and then bash your head of your coffee table repeatedly for wasting an hour and a half of your life.
The Wicker Man (1973)
Now I see what all the fuss was about
I had read about this movie from so many sources, and not once did I see a negative review, so I had to see what all the fuss was about this flick.
Boy am I glad that I did. Wow! I simply have to use the old cliché', they just don't make movies like this anymore. The plot, settings, actors, and ending come together for a harrowing journey, that sets out as a nice detective piece, and then moves into something far more mysterious, and eventually, shocking. Christopher Lee and Edward Woodward were absolutely marvelous, especially in their first meeting. Without reading any spoilers ahead of time, I knew about 2/3rd's through the movie what was going to happen, and when it did, it still sent shudders down my spine.
*Spoiler Alert*
Woodward's reaction at the first sight of the WickerMan, was mine as well. He said it. I thought it. Add to that the animals in there as well, and man, what a powerful moment. Was this a classic horror movie? Maybe not, but it definitely stays with you after you watch it. And that, more than anything, places it in a category all to it's own. I am so glad that this movie finally is getting the props it deserves, and if you are thinking of purchasing it, you have to get the Collector's Edition, which has about 12 minutes of original footage that is not only essential for the whole affect of the film, but drops some subtle hints as to what is actually going down.
A 9/10 must see. 1 point deducted for some bad folk music, although you have to listen to the words of the songs, as they get more and more sinister as you go along.