Thu, Feb 14, 2013
parks, fully aware he's having a dream, talks to Dream-Croach, telling Croach how he got his badge back. Dream-Croach is clearly unimpressed. Sparks attempts to tell Croach that he was his best friend, but Croach is flippant. Sparks then tells Croach that he got the bounty on Red's head removed and she's on a work-release, unofficially serving as his deputy, as he is now the marshal again. Croach thinks Sparks is talking too much. Sparks notices that Croach has a mustache, when he never did before, and how bad Croach's attitude still is. Eventually, he gives in and just lets Dream-Croach get to the guts eating so he can wake up. Sparks wakes up next to Red, but they have a big day ahead of them, so they get up and get ready. Meanwhile, at Mars' premiere and only hotel, The Barkeep is talking to Felton and still lamenting the loss of his Saloon. In the meantime, he built the Inn and bought Bell Bots. They discuss what a big day today is going to be, and Felton leaves. Meanwhile, in a rocket ship approaching Mars, Chicky Sullivan is talking to Cactoid Jim's new wife, Rebecca Rose Rushmore. Jim sent Chicky and Rebecca here as publicity, as Mars has now been "Safened" since Sparks and Red have been back in charge, and Jim is taking credit for it. Sullivan mentions that the Man-MurderMen war is still raging on the outskirts of the solar system, and Jim can't take a vacation right now if he wants to get elected. Back at the hotel, Sparks and Red enter. The Barkeep mentions he's not really a barkeep anymore, but is now an Innkeep. Soon, the spaceship with Chicky and Rebecca inside arrives and the Barkeep mentions he can't find Felton in the crowd. Chicky introduces himself to Sparks, and tense hellos are said between Rebecca, Sparks, and Red. Chicky suggests they retire to get food when Felton arrives, screaming for halp. Felton relays a story about sitting by the lake by town, when he saw a ship crash and some MurderMen exited from it, and bit him, thereby MurderManning him. Felton then MurderMans Sparks Nevada. Nevada shoots and kills Barkeep's Bell Bots. Sparks and Red begin to showdown, but Felton MurderMans her. Chicky, Rebecca and the Barkeep escape into the Inn. When Sparks and the others find them, Chicky stays back to save Rebecca and the Barkeep, and Felton MurderMans him. They track the Barkeep and Rebecca to a panic closet. Chicky hacks the door, and Sparks, Red, and Chicky all MurderMan Rebecca. Just as they're about to ManMurder the Barkeep, they're shot with tranquilizer darts. The Troubleshooter enters, and says hello to her husband, the Barkeep. Sparks recognizes her and is shocked to hear she's married to the Barkeep. The Troubleshooter fries the bad nano in all the Barkeep's friends that causes MurderManning, therefore turning everyone back to human. The Barkeep and The Troubleshooter argue about how there's still even more trouble in the Barkeep's new place. Despite being on furlough, the Troubleshooter leaves, though the Barkeep wants her to stay and talk about their relationship.
Mon, Feb 11, 2013
Harriet and Spencer, having just rescued her husband (The Barkeep), Sparks Nevada, The Red Plains Rider, Rebecca Rose Rushmore, Chicky Sullivan, and Felton from becoming MurderMen, is upset at the Barkeep for allowing more trouble to come to his place. Although she was supposed to be on furlough, she agrees to continue to work. Spencer attempts to ask why she does not want to spend more time with her husband, but Harriet does not want to talk about it. They are sent to break up a disturbance between Grimmet and his brother, Jerel. Grimmet's cyberdog has bitten his brother, Jerel, who Grimmet does not like, several times. Harriet explains that if the cyberdog does not shape up via a fake diagnostic she runs, then it will have to be taken in for a factory reset, or a replacement unit. When they leave and Spencer points out that her solution did not fix the problem, Harriet responds that another ticket will probably not be opened because Grimmet will not want to lose his cyberdog's programming. They are then sent back to Mars to confront Mercy Laredo for attempting an 11-11, electronically altering the manufacturer warranty on an electronic device and then using it in ways contrary than intended use. In this case, she was attempting to access the bounty hunter database to find Sparks Nevada and The Red Plains Rider, so she could kill them. Before Harriet and Spencer can issue Mercy a ticket, their equipment malfunctions as V'stalu of the Galaxium rebuilds Croach the Tracker's body, system by system, in midair. Croach uses his new powers to bring peace to Mercy so she no longer wants to kill Red and Sparks. Felton arrives and Croach calms Felton's mind so he is no longer feeling guilt about turning Sparks, Red, and others into MurderMen in the recent MurderMan invasion. He then grants The Troubleshooter a paradigm shift, so she is no longer angry at The Barkeep for all of the trouble in his place lately. He tells Spencer that he is where the Universe wants him to be, and does not calm his mind. The Troubleshooter then takes Spencer to visit The Barkeep, and reconciles with her husband. Spencer finds peace with Harriet and the Barkeep as a family that accepts him, as his own family does not.
Mon, Mar 4, 2013
Sparks awakens from another dream where Croach has eaten his guts to see that The Red Plains Rider is gone, only leaving behind a note wherein she says that she doesn't think they are compatible, she hasn't dealt with Croach's death properly, and she plans on trying to get Cactoid Jim back. As Sparks laments his lack of deputy, Croach walks through the door. Sparks assumes he's having a dream, and gives the usual rundown of what's going on. Croach explains that he has become one with the universe, he possesses awareness of the formations of stars light spans away and of the fall of amoebic societies in Sparks' distasteful organs. He convinces Sparks that this is not a dream. Sparks is glad to have Croach back, but he declines to give Croach a hug. Felton enters, handing out flower crowns, excited to have Croach back, and tells Sparks how Croach gave him peace again after all the guilt he felt for MurderManning people. Felton is barefoot and Croach mentions that his feet are beautiful and tells Sparks to remove his boots. Croach says peace, love, beauty and no shoes are but the detritus of his true mission, one of absolute compassion for the entirety of space and time. Croach asks Sparks to come with him to see the mission he is on, and he, Felton and Sparks travel by Cosmic Rift to Earth. Croach shows Sparks the final speech Cactoid Jim gives before he's elected President of Earth. Croach says that Sparks must assassinate Cactoid Jim, and Sparks is initially very agreeable to the idea. Croach says because of his death and resurrection, his perception has now expanded to all the teensy corners of the universe. If Jim wins the election, all universes will be set upon a terrible, unchangeable course. His ascendancy will invoke the OmniSingularity. All things will become one intelligence and life as we know it will be forever eradicated. Sparks has been chosen by the universe to prevent the OmniSingularity. Sparks, now very suspicious, asks Croach to prove he's actually Croach. Croach reminds him how once, at the old mission upon G'loot Praktaw, he and Sparks revealed feet to one another and Sparks stimulated his egg sacs. These events happened The Agony of The Feet, and both had promised to never speak of what happened ever again, thus Croach proves himself. However, Croach reveals he also shares consciousness with V'stalu of the Galaxium. Croach says that it's V'stalu that is asking for the assassination. When Sparks asks why V'stalu can't do it himself, Croach says it is not his job to interfere, merely to observe. Except for bringing them here. And telling Sparks to assassinate Cactoid Jim. And telling him why. To convince Sparks, Croach shows him a vision of the future if Jim is elected. After seeing the horror, Sparks agrees to assassinate Jim. Croach, however, says he must have a pure spirit before doing so and it must be because of the universe ending, not for his feelings for Red getting in the way. Croach, Felton, and Sparks leave for a tour of Sparks' soul at the end.
Mon, Apr 8, 2013
Sparks and Croach return from their tour through Sparks' soul. Felton has decided to stay in Sparks' soul and hang out for awhile, despite Sparks' objections. Croach is still unsure that Sparks will assassinate Cactoid Jim because of the cataclysmic future and not because of his feelings for The Red Plains Rider. Sparks admits it's some of both. Sparks then says it's all for the future, so that Croach will stop asking, and eventually V'stalu agrees to let Sparks assassinate Jim. They return to Earth, at the end of Jim's final speech, just behind the curtain. The Red Plains Rider enters, and is so shocked and happy to see Croach, she hugs him, twice and tells him to never die again. Sparks describes what's happened to Croach, so she asks if the universe has anything to say to her. Croach calls her beautiful and says she is where she should be. Red says she's here on a mission of love, to reunite her marriage with Jim, as she still loves him. She asks what Sparks and Croach doing there, and Sparks tries to explain, but she draws on them. Croach touches her face, showing her the future, and she agrees to let Sparks kill Jim. Jim and Chicky arrive, and Chicky is sure Jim is going to win the election for President of Earth with a complete landslide. Jim is happy to see Red, Sparks and Croach. Croach touches Jim and Chicky's faces, and they see the future too. Jim agrees to allow Red to kill him, but she can't because she loves him, and Jim admits to still loving her, too. He then agrees to allow Sparks to kill him, and admits that he thinks of Sparks as his best friend, throwing Sparks for a loop. Just before Sparks shoots Jim, Chicky wonders why Jim can't just step down. Croach says that Jim is too popular and would still win with write-in ballots. Sparks then suggests that Jim convince the people to vote for someone else, and Jim suggests Chicky. The plan works, and Croach declares that the universe is safe.
Mon, Apr 15, 2013
. With the universe saved by having Chicky Sullivan elected President of Earth instead of Cactoid Jim, a future, evil version of Jim is not so easily defeated. Evil Jim climbs out of a wormhole using unknowable future technology, which he has a lot of, and sucks Sparks Nevada, Croach the Tracker, present-day good Cactoid Jim, and The Red Plains Rider back through it. Chicky enters, just having given his victory speech, and realizes exactly what has happened. He notes Evil Jim also has a pencil-thin mustache. Jim tries to use some future technology on him, but it doesn't work on Chicky's bionic parts, who uses a repulser ray on him. Croach reappears, still sharing a consciousness with V'stalu of the Galaxium. With The Force Galactic at his whim, he is able to transport himself back to the present. However, he says he cannot intercede. Instead, he summons the galaxy's remaining greatest heroes, Pemily Stallwark, Ultra Admiral Miles Kaward and Mordecai Benmont Jiminy - the Barkeep. The Barkeep is very confused as to what he's doing there, while Miles and Pemily are itching for a fight. Croach tells the Barkeep that his heart's desire for peace that defines him as mighty. Kaward activates his Mega-Tek armor, and Jim dons his own robot armor, and they fight. Chicky teams up with Pemily to form a strategy to help defeat Jim. The Barkeep pleads with Croach to send him back to Mars, but Croach insists The Barkeep is a hero and belongs there. Chicky hacks Jim's robo-suit and sends Pemily inside to take care of Jim, but before she can make it in, Jim stomps on her and squishes her. Jim then peels off all of Chicky's bionics and kills him. Kaward beams mines into Jim's armor, but Jim averts the signal and puts the bombs on Kaward's armor instead. Kaward blows up. As the last remaining hero, the Barkeep implores Croach to help, but Croach insists he cannot. The Barkeep asks Croach to transfer the Force Galactic to him, as long as The Barkeep uses the power in front of Croach so he can observe. Croach agrees. The Barkeep uses the Force Galactic to keep Jim from doing any damage to him, and revokes all of Jim's powers as well. He then pulls Evil Jim out of Jim's body, and Good Jim shoots and kills his evil self. The Barkeep brings Sparks and Red back from the wormhole, then brings Chicky, Pemily, and Kaward back to life. He abuses his power a little by transporting everyone back to Mars and resurrects his saloon. Jim tells the Barkeep he did a good job, and found his place - the universe, and saw to it there won't be any more trouble in his place anymore. The Barkeep replies that his place is his bar, and with his new powers he'll make sure there's no more trouble in it.
Mon, May 13, 2013
Croach the Tracker is telling Sparks Nevada a Christmas story he read in the USSA Trade Journal as a Christmas present. Croach and Sparks discuss the Starship Olivia, and how Cactoid Jim and The Red Plains Rider saved Gene Peeples from the MurderMen which took over the ship in Cactoid Jim, King of the Martian Frontier - MurderMen. After the destruction of the Olivia and the deaths of his daughter Erica and his wife Linda, Gene Peeples is now a professor at the USSA Academy. Peeples records in his journal, waxing about how he can hear his daughter singing whenever he journals. He fears that where his humanity used to be is now just an empty void. He was allowed to keep his rank of Captain even without the starcraft. He is in charge of eight cadets and is the professor of Applied Space and Space Theory curriculum at the United Solar System Alliance Academy. Superintendent Hammler enters to discuss Pemily Stallwark with Peeples. Pemily had just finished a disciplinary hearing for a weapons violation, where she learned, as she suspected, that the rules did apply differently to the winner of Punishment Soccer. Peeples tells Hammler about his action plan to help improve Pemily's attitude. Hammler suggests a different action plan, an unofficial Code Red. Gene argues against the Code Red, saying she'd probably cripple or kill anyone enacting a Code Red on her. Peeples also argues that some of the very best students the USSA Academy ever churned out has an anti-authoritarian streak, and Hammler points out that so have some of their very worst (Sparks Nevada). Hammler tells Gene to handle Pemily, and not to let her interfere with the Reptiform (Lizard Man from Planet 30) Ambassador, who is coming to give a lecture on Post-Treaty Universal Collaboration to the fourth class cadets. Peeples wonders if this is wise, but Hammler assures him the Reptiform will be fine, as he's an ambassador. Hammler orders Peeples to keep Pemily under control. Peeples returns to his journal, waxing about how it's almost Christmas, and how he barely holding it together as it will be his first Christmas alone since Linda and Erica's deaths. Cadet Joyce Alvarez enters Gene's office to talk about Pemily. Gene asks Joyce to intercede, to be a friend to Pemily, but Alvarez believes he's asking for a Code Red on her instead. The Lizard Man ambassador arrives, and Gene recognizes him as Zaant the Cruel, Head of the Imperial Tortureguard of the Lizard Men of Planet 30. They had met once before and Gene had bested him in combat. The Lizard Man insists his name is Creez, and says if Gene insults him again, it will cause an interplanetary conflict. The Reptiform asks for directions to the hall where he will deliver his lecture, and Alvarez offers to show him the way. Pemily arrives to talk to Gene. She thanks him for talking to the board on her behalf. Pemily tells Gene how important being at the USSA Academy is to her, and remembers how inspired she was when she had helped Good Cactoid Jim, Chicky Sullivan, Miles Kaward and the Barkeep defeat evil Cactoid Jim in Good Jim. She learned the only way to fight against the system was to be a part of it. If you go inside, that's where its vulnerable. She gives Peeples a gift for Christmas, (though he is Space Jewish) which he does not unwrap. She also tells Gene he's alright and hopes she never has to kill him. He tells Pemily to go to the Lizard Man lecture, and not to trust Creez, then journals that Pemily reminds him too much of Erica. Hammler returns and Gene tells him that he sent Alvarez to be Pemily's friend, not to Code Red her. Gene also apologizes for his behavior to Hammler during their days in USSA Academy together. A sudden explosion rocks the Academy, and Gene is pinned under debris, while Hammler has several broken ribs. Gene believes the Lizard Man caused the explosion, while Hammler believes was Pemily. Pemily enters to see if everyone is okay. She says it was the Lizard Man who blew up the school, and Alvarez jumped in front of her to save her. The Lizard Man enters and admits he really is Zaant the Cruel and that he blew up the school. Pemily fights back against him, but he spits at her and paralyzes her. Alvarez enters, fights back, and also gets paralyzed. Pemily tells Gene to open the present she got him, which is a blaster. Gene blasts Zaant, killing him. Hammler admits Peeples was right about Pemily and the Reptiform, and invites Gene over for Christmas dinner. Gene agrees, as long as Pemily and Alvarez are also invited. Gene journals once more, saying that the void inside him has been re-filled with humanity.
Mon, May 20, 2013
There are in total three stories. There is a main story that wraps around the other two, self-contained stories. The main, wraparound story opens with Sparks Nevada entering the saloon. Felton tells Sparks that the Barkeep put him in charge of cleaning and preparing the saloon, but only three out of the four custodial bots listened. Sparks says it's okay, since this is a day for celebrating, as its Earth day, and that's where Sparks is from. The Space Saloon, back in working order, has begun flirting with Croach again. Sparks orders space rotguts all around, but both the Red Plains Rider and Croach turn him down. The saloon doors open and three aliens enter, excited to see Sparks, Croach, Red, Felton and the Barkeep. Red reckons these aliens know about some of them because of Rebecca Rose Rushmore's book, but they know too much. The aliens say they are a race called the Bhatu and they have watched all of Sparks' exploits, since they have been transmitted to their planet via Mars' satellites. They are the biggest fans of the "show" Sparks Nevada and his Pals on Mars, a Space Western. The Bhatu traveled here to meet their favorite characters, and they ask questions and squee over everything Sparks and the others do. The Bhatu get excited when Sparks and the other start a small argument, saying that their bickering is how they express their affection for one another. The Bhatu Okvar recounts an "obscure episode" to prove the point. Side Story One The story opens not very long after Sparks and Croach teamed up, when they were still vying for Red's affections. Red had chosen Sparks, and after a day of further bickering between Croach and Sparks, Croach had left and headed for the Saloon. Sparks also enters the saloon, then complains to the Barkeep that he is mad at Croach. The only people around are The Widow Johnson, who is crying because her husband had recently passed away, and Amos, who is belligerent. Barkeep says he don't not want no trouble in his place, meaning he DOES want trouble in his place. The Saloon has been redecorated in the manner of 1920's Gangster-Era Las Vegas, and everyone is dressed likewise, which the Barkeep points out to Sparks. The Barkeep, Amos and the Widow Johnson also mention being agonized repeatedly. An alien enters, and agonizes everyone in the room but Sparks until they promise to act in character. The Barkeep shoots at Sparks, badly and against his will, until Sparks knocks him out. Amos tells Sparks that the alien attached the agonizers to their nervous systems, then the alien vanishes Sparks' robot fists, puts him in a pinstripe suit and affixes him with an agonizer, which is re-routed to Felton, who enters. The alien has bright pink skin, halos circling around him, and reality-altering powers. He is an omnipotent being from a race that long ago stopped being corporeal. His name is K, shorthand for a name so complicated a human would spend the rest of their lives just saying it. He is a bored all-powerful reality bending entity who studies Earth history and recreates it on various planets and dimensions as the mood strikes. K is whimsical. He is also unkillable. Growing tired of Gangster-Era Las Vegas, K directs everyone to the room behind the bar. There is an exact replica of the Coliseum, for which K has confused Cesar's Palace in Las Vegas with Rome. He declares that Sparks, The Barkeep, The Widow Johnson, Felton and Amos are the combatants, gladiator style. Croach, who was already captured, also enters the ring. The combatants kill each other until only Sparks and Croach are left. Sparks and Croach parry to buy time, but spend most of it bickering over who would win if they actually fought, emotions, and The Red Plains Rider. K empowers Croach and Sparks' punches to be deadly, and Croach asks to be death-punched to be free of his onus, as he thinks Sparks is irreplaceable while he isn't. Sparks refuses to death-punch Croach, because he feels bad that Red chose him. Croach says he has nothing to live for, and no hobbies, and would be glad to perish in deliverance of G'loot Praktaw. He attempts to force and prod Sparks to punch him. K gets frustrated, and threatens to agonize everyone in the coliseum if they don't cheer while he decides who lives and who dies for fun and whimsy. Sparks realizes that K is doing all of this for attention and to be liked, so he encourages K to use empathy. Croach suggests K brings everyone back to life, as well, which would help him to be liked, so he does. Sparks says he could also go away to make people like him, and K leaves. Sparks and Croach leave together to turn the town back to how it was. Main Story Part Two The Bhatu continue to talk about the episodes in Sparks Nevada, especially The Piano has Been Thinking. Feeth says that he can't believe that people would burst into song as they did, and then proceeds to start singing "If You Love Something Never Set it Free". They then put Sparks, Red, the Barkeep, Croach and Felton each in a stasis field, because they love them so much that they might kill them. They discuss what to do with their new captives, like make them kiss, or ship them together. They want to hold them in stasis until Cactoid Jim comes to their rescue. They keep making the stasis fields smaller and tighter so Jim will be sure to come rescue them, that nick-of-timing Cactoid Jim. Sparks offers to tell the Bhatu about an episode they haven't seen yet to delay the Bhatu from killing them. Side Story Two This episode was not long ago, and also happens in the saloon. Sparks enters the Saloon, is greeted by The Saloon Doors, and orders a space rotgut. The Barkeep waxes about having so much trouble in his place, and Felton enters yelling for halp as there's been a recent prison break and a prisoner is coming to the saloon to kill Sparks. The escapee is a woman. The saloon doors open again, and the Doors sound unhappy that Croach has entered. Croach tells Sparks that he has a feeling Sparks is in great danger. The doors open again and Red enters. Shortly thereafter, the Barkeep turns into Sparks Nevada. Then Red, Felton, and Croach all follow suit, turning into exact replicas of Sparks Nevada in looks and voice. All of the Sparks begin to believe they are the real Sparks. The Saloon Doors says that the Nevadafication does not affect her, though she knew it was happening as she monitors the air. She decides to set her vocalizer to Nevada, as well. Bad Betty Dupree enters and lets all of the Sparks know how bad she is. She threatens to kill Sparks Nevada, but she only wants to kill the real Sparks Nevada, not a clone. Because she has OCD, she must kill only actually Sparks so she can kill everyone on the list the same number of times. Betty says she is not to blame for the Nevadafication. Croach-Sparks asks why she has a personal vendetta against him, or all of them Betty says she was the greatest outlaw the galaxy had ever seen until she got caught, though it took a fleet of USSA star crafts. Her accomplice, Doctor Diagonal, an alien that has tentacles, a visible brain and weird shoes, had gotten caught earlier by Sparks Nevada. He was a mad scientist who made the deathiest death rays, and testified against Betty in her trial. Sparks also testified at the trial very briefly. Betty was supposed to hang, but she broke out before the execution and vowed to kill everyone involved in locking her up. She killed Doctor Diagonal, the judge, the bailiff, the stenographer the people who watched the trial, and Sparks is the last one on her kill list, but she only wants to kill the real Nevada. None of the Nevadas know who is who, including if they themselves are the real Nevada. The doors open, Doctor Otto Letharias Diagonal enters, and Betty is shocked that he is still alive, as she disintegrated him. Diagonal says his race, (whose name is basically impossible to transcribe, it sounds like a clucking along with high pitched gutteral noises), must be killed twice before they actually die. If Betty kills Diagonal again, because of her OCD she'll have to find everyone on the list again and bring them back to life only to kill them in the correct order a second time. Diagonal says he did the Nevafication in order to keep Betty from reaching her goal. He also says he's gonna kill all the Nevadas so Betty will never be able to kill the real Nevada, which also means he gets revenge on Sparks for capturing him and making him testify against his best friend. Betty, touched that she's Diagonal's best friend, makes amends with him. They decide to team back up to kill all the Nevadas, but the real Sparks draws his gun and shoots the guns out of Diagonal and Betty's hands. All the other Nevadas team up to finish the work of arresting and jailing the criminals. Felton-Sparks asks how long the half-life of the radiation is going to last, and Diagonal answers - about 700 million years. Main Story Part 3 Back in the present, Sparks says that getting out of the Nevadafication required parallel dimensions and perpendicular dimensions and a whole lot of space paste. Meanwhile, their stasis fields keep getting tighter, and Croach says this is the single most painful sensation he has ever experienced. The Bhatu are still sure that Jim will arrive to save his friends. The Saloon Doors open again, and more Bhatu arrive. They know the original three Bhatu and say that they were watching Sparks Nevada and his Pals on Mars when they saw the "new" characters. They say fandom doesn't adhere to regular logic, but a line was crossed between fantasy and reality, and now the three original Bhatu are the three new Bhatu's favorite characters. The new Bhatu trap the old Bhatu in stasis fields so they never change and will make them kiss. Putting the original Bhatu in stasis interrupts Sparks and the others stasis fields. Sparks uses the robot fists on the Bhatu, and the three new Bhatu are about to leave with the three original Bhatu when Sparks suggests that first they do the part they left out, together - singing the Sparks Nevada theme song.