pha-2 Reviews

Titanic (1997)

Not just for the teenyboppers

[9/10 · 24 December 1998]

Let me say right off- I'm a girl/19, but I can't even pronounce Leonardo's last name. I finally saw Titanic like the last week it was in theaters. I kept saying 'naugh, not now' because I thought it would be a teeny-bopper movie with a lot of cute people in it. Well.. yes and no. Yeah there's cute people in it (Billy Zane is the cutest :p) but this movie has a lot going for it. *Great* writing, seamless directing, appropriate musical scores, great acting, bleah bleah bleah. I've wasted enough of your time. I give it a 9/10; missing the 10 only because I'm so sick of that damn Titanic song!!

Spice World (1997)

This Spice gives me heartburn!

[24 December 1998]

I like the Sprice Girls (well, I did before Geri left anyway). But there's simply nothing to like about this flick. There's too much 'cute' dialogue (you can just see the "!!!!!!!" at the end of every line). There's really no reason to see this movie, even for someone who is obsessed with Spice.

The Lost World: Jurassic Park (1997)

Another example of milking the cow bone dry...

[2/10 · 24 December 1998]

Whereas Jurassic Park, the predecessor, was entertaining enough to see at least once at the theater; The Lost World is more or less a waste of time intellect wise. Underdeveloped story, drawn out/boring running-from-dinosaurs scenes, and the 'save the poor animals' theme was played far, far too much to focus on the film. Overall; if you want to see a documentary about eating people, this is the movie for you. Otherwise, there's not much else going for this flick.

Beavis and Butt-Head Do America (1996)

fleas

[24 December 1998]

The tv show was great, but this movie was extremely boring, pointless, and devoid of the enthusiasm that made the series. A 4.5/10.

Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope (1977)

Not that great. Not for an instant.

[1/10 · 24 December 1998]

Usually I loooove mindless action movies. Usually I'm all for senseless violence in films. And usually, I like little furry creatures. But here's what I hate- STAR WARS STAR WARS STAR WARS!!! This is the a silly, hugely over-rated, egotistical, boring, contrived, joyless, cheap and morally bankrupt piece of garbage. There is simply nothing entertaining about this movie, or any of the trilogy. The acting is silly and self-indulgent. The story is a very tired hairball hacked up from the throats of who knows how many fairy tales (save the princess, save the universe, etc.). I wouldn't be so vehement if it weren't for the fact that Star Wars is soooo popular and it's evvveryone's favorite. *hack* And people say Titanic is over-rated? Hello? People aren't going to be jumping up and down over Titanic 20 years from now. People are still screaming about Star Wars, but this film/trilogy is anything but something that could be considered a classic. Lucas is NOT a genius, Darth Vader is a candy-a** villian, and, gentle reader, Luke Skywalker is a putz.

The Mutilator (1984)

Yeah, it's cheap. So was Nightmare on Elm Street.

[7/10 · 22 December 1998]

I'm not going to say that I looooooved The Mutilator; but I will say that it's one of those good, cheesy horror films that you should rent if you're having a sleep over. It can be compared with: Child's Play, Sleepwalkers, or Mikey. It's superior to: any of the Friday the 13th sequels, The Mangler, or The Paperboy. And it's inferior to: An American Werewolf in London, Nightmare on Elm Street, The Pit and the Pendelem, or Scream. It's nowhere near, say, Scream or Werewolf. Hell no. But if you like cheese, this movie has plenty of it. Just fastforward through that horrible 'Fall Break' song!

South Park (1997– )

Thanks, but I'll pass.

[22 December 1998]

Nope, I'm not an old granny that's frantically pounding away on the keyboard, blaspheming SP while bobbypins fly. I'm 17 in the 12th grade. And I can't stand SP. The main reason isn't that it's crude (which it is) but the stories just... aren't there. To compare; I think The Simpsons are better, but OTOH I don't really like that show either. Hm. In closing, all I can say is that SP certainly is good for a perverse laugh once in awhile, but the shows that stand the test of time have heart and value. SP is brutally honest, but seriously lacking.

Anaconda (1997)

Do not, under any circumstances, see this movie!!

[1/10 · 22 December 1998]

In Anaconda, you're forced to sit through an hour and a half of awful acting by 'Ice Cube' and Jennifer Lopez, a snake hunter with such a fake accent you can't understand him, and unintelligently laced together boat footage. This movie, well, is perfectly awful. A total waste. It crashed and burned and fell to Earth in a ball of flaming wreckage. I think it cost around 20 bucks to make. The snake is as fake as the apes in Congo, and throughout its big onscreen appearances, makes really strange (and very unsnakelike!) noises, which is distracting, cheap, and fake.

Independence Day (1996)

ID4: not that great.

[4/10 · 22 December 1998]

This movie was hyped to a bitter death. Does it live up to all the hullabaloo? Well, no, not this time. The movie was too loud and hard to follow from the beginning; there are just too many huge explosions and fights to be able to follow the actual story. For a mindless all night action marathon, this is a great movie. But for a $8 movie ticket, keep walking.

The Mangler (1995)

Avoid this one like rabid chickens

[1/10 · 22 December 1998]

Ugh, thanks for the offer, but I'll pass. It's films like this that give the entire horror genere a bad name in the views of reviewers and the casual movie-goer. After seeing this stupid flick, I was turned of from horror movies for awhile. And I'm a huge horror movie buff! Bleah, in a word. Joyless and entertainingly bankrupt in several. Save your buck- or instead rent Demon Knight, Nightmare on Elm Street, or Scream (all top of the line horror flicks). Werewolves, serial killers and boogey men I'm afraid of. Home appliances I am NOT.

Soap (1977–1981)

An honestly funny show

[22 December 1998]

I watched the re-runs of this hilarious show when they came on on Comedy Central (which they may still, who knows) and loved it. The show actually has an ongoing plot, which carries from the first episode through the end of the series (which, btw, is rather sad). The characters all have their own quirks or

characteristics that make them unique. Mary and Corrine were my favorites :)