ksmacy-2 Reviews

Dolls (1986)

for the young at heart

[5/10 · 14 October 2005]

Horror movies about dolls are alluring, because some dolls, especially antiquated looking ones like in this movie, are creepy; their quiet poise is unsettling. They are problematic, though, because they are so little that it would be extremely possible for someone to escape from them, even from a swarm of them. Most doll movies further remove the horror by making the little playthings real wisenheimers, cracking quips, or killing for fun ala CHILD'S PLAY and THE PUPPET MASTER. Stuart Gordon's DOLLS is probably the best of the genre, because the dolls are innocent; they kill because they are mad or threatened.

The film opens vibrantly with the little girl, Judy, hallucinating a real bear bursting from the seams of her teddy bear, and eating her father and wicked stepmother. The family gets stranded in the boonies and seeks refuge in an old house owned by dollmakers (the wife is Hilary Mason, the blind sister in DON'T LOOK NOW). They are joined by similarly stranded, lovable Ralph, and the punk-grrrl hitchhikers he picked up. The girls are so obnoxious, and Judy's abusive parents are so despicable, as they accuse Ralph of being a child molester, that the film gets boring as it focuses on the dolls picking them off one by one.

It becomes enjoyable again once the dolls almost kill Ralph, but then decide that he is "young at heart". Those who aren't so lucky are turned into dolls, and there are some fun human-doll effects. The single location is handled well, and doesn't feel as claustrophobic as spooky old house movies can. This isn't a great movie, but it is cute, almost like it is a horror movie for kids (inappropriate blood and molestation insinuations aside).

Play It As It Lays (1972)

Hollywood Existentialism

[3/10 · 13 October 2005]

Tuesday Weld's model turned actress character Maria Wyeth should be easy to relate to, with a mentally challenged daughter in an institution, a director husband who treats her coldly and forces her to have an abortion, a suicidal best friend (Perkins), and nowhere to go to escape any of it. Unfortunately, the poor beautiful rich girl routine is taken to such an extreme that she can barely stand up by herself, and can't even eat without seeing a rattlesnake coiled up and ready to strike. She acts like a child who no one can take anywhere without her acting out. Still, she thinks she is better than everyone else (she practically says this in her final voice over), because she "knows what nothing is, and she keeps playing". Does she really think that no one else in Hollywood, who hasn't committed suicide, is dissatisfied? The "existential" point (as they say repeatedly) is supposed to be that plasticized Hollywood does that to people, but we don't see her break - she just skips right to the catatonia. The scenes are so short as to not even qualify as episodic, or scenes, really. Many of them just serve as excuses to say some of the novel's more poetic lines. I was so trying to relate to this movie that I found myself wondering if I would hate it so much if it were French, but, yes, I would. It felt a outdated and film school to me. Obviously, the acting, cinematography were better, but the pacing and concept, while as numbing as they intended to be, weren't relatable.

Savage Sisters (1974)

No comment, Pork Chop

[5/10 · 3 October 2005]

Although I adored the title, I kept my thumb hovering above the stop button, should it veer into a weird jungle cannibal/rape place. The first line, uttered by a Magnum P.I. look-alike (John Ashley) lounging in a tiki-hut with a small harem, is "Billingsly's my name and hustlin's my game." He goes on to talk about a million dollars entering the island, and how it affects one innocent couple, "Her bag was love, his the revolution." I didn't really think it could get any better, but then young Sid Haig showed up as the laugh-riot villain "Malavaso" who only knows one adjective (try to guess what it is), "You blow your stinkin' signal out your stinkin' ass," "I guess this is where we blow your stinkin' heads off," "Get these stinkin' bodies out of here," and "Stick a stinkin' gun in my stinkin' face." It is all a bunch of confusion and false eyelashes, and as Donatella Versace clone Caffaro and friend Mai Ling prepare for their executions, Caffaro strikes the Paris Hilton pose, determined to die hot, and snipes, "No comment, Pork Chop." I must have been drying my tears of laughter, because I don't know how they got out of that scrape, but next thing I know we're being introduced to Gloria Hendry (afro in full effect), who is too sexy, American, and feisty to not eventually join the other girls. She's an interrogator, and she rigs up the string on the door handle trick for pulling a tooth, except the string is down some guy's pants instead of 'round his tooth. When asked how it went, she smirks, "Things were a little tense, but I think it came off alright." That's why she's a Bond girl. When Hendry learns about the cool mil ("greenback salad, my favorite dish"), she breaks out the girls, taking them Magnum P.I.. Caffaro doesn't trust him, and that kicks off this Eisenstein-inspired sequence:

Magnum doing push-ups in BLUE briefs/cut to after sex with Caffaro/he does sit-ups in the BLUE briefs/Next cut, push ups in LEOPARD print briefs/cut to after sex with Gloria/sit-ups in LEOPARD briefs/Finally, push-ups in RED briefs/after sex with Mei Ling/sit-ups in RED briefs.

Now positive they can't trust him, they tie him to a tree, but he shows them he still has the upper-hand with the zinger, "Yeah, well, I used to think I'd let you all pee in my face just to see where it came from. Well not anymore!" What?! They make their way to a "Pegleg's Keg" where they dress up like Dolly Parton and Gloria strips (actually, she just dances and takes her belt off) to distract the patrons. Eventually, they get the money from Haig, bury him in the sand with his head sticking out, and playfully wrestle with Magnum P.I.

End tally – moustaches: 8,472/bras: 0

Hot Pursuit (1987)

Cusack goes Rambo

[2/10 · 3 October 2005]

Can you imagine a movie where funnyman Ben Stiller plays the sadistic bad guy fighting against John Cusack as an action hero with Rambo hair? Oh, and with an extended cameo by Keith David, or is it David Keith, as a Rastafarian? Jerry Stiller is there too, with an uzi. And, and, and Robert Loggia plays a pirate. No, this was not a dream. It was HOT PURSUIT. Well, almost twenty years later, have they figured out that they needed to put a bigger picture of Cusack on the box if they want anyone but seven year olds to rent it. Unfortunately, only seven year olds can really enjoy this, as I did when I was that age. Specifically, I enjoyed that Cusack's girlfriend could do a front walkover holding a cocktail AND NOT SPILL A DROP! This is supposed to be a comedy, but the end is like a Stallone movie. Ultimately, HOT PURSUIT isn't comedy, action, or drama; it's neither here nor there, but it is worth a look to imagine the direction Cusack and Stiller's careers could have gone had this been a hit.

Point Doom (2000)

doomed

[1/10 · 3 October 2005]

Starring Richard Grieco, fresh from an eyebrow waxing, Andrew Dice Clay, and Angie Everhart, POINT DOOM seemed like a winner. Anyone who hasn't seen at least a frame of Everhart and Grieco's last coupling (they've made 3 films together), LAST CRY aka DANGEROUS DESIRES aka SEXUAL PREDATOR, apparently has a bedtime of seven o'clock. I've seen frames of it in at least four different cities (under each title). After the first credit sequence, we get a phenomenal scene between drug-dealers Zach Galligan, who can actually act, and Ice T, who can't, but who I love anyway for being in BREAKIN' 2 and John Wayne Bobbit's FRANKENPENIS (ohmigod!). Then we get ANOTHER credit sequence before meeting nice guy talent agent Richard Grieco and strip club owner Andrew Dice Clay (reprising his role from PRETTY IN PINK). Grieco whines that he doesn't want to be forty and hanging out in strip clubs, at which point I snicker, and Angie Everhart strips on stage. Now I'm confused, because Grieco looks right past Angie and starts coming onto his blonde waitress with a bad crimping job. You call yourself a talent agent? Angie Everhart is right behind you! Then we get a THIRD credit sequence. Grieco follows Crimpy to the Marmalade Café and advises her to get the chocolate shake instead of the strawberry before admitting, "I want you to come in and read for me," and convincing her that his request has nothing to do with her looks. I'm inclined to believe him, because of the CRIMPING! Crimpy goes home to her sister, Everhart, who wears overalls and barely talks. In all honesty, Crimpy talks about Angie like she's retarded, prompting Angie to re-iterate my thoughts from earlier and say, "I'm standing right here!" Crimpy's Biker boyfriend asks for "the clicker" and settles in for a long dangerous night of watching television. Eventually, Crimpy and Grieco fall in love, and Biker kidnaps Angie, because unbeknownst to her, she has some of Biker's drugs (refer to TRUE ROMANCE for more details on this plot).

Bottom line: You will be tempted to watch because of the cast, but resist.

Moving Violations (1985)

Moving Violations-lations-lations!

[7/10 · 3 October 2005]

One of my all-time favorite movies as a kid, MOVING VIOLATIONS disappeared from video stores and has finally been released on DVD. I bought it yesterday for a steal (I seriously questioned my relationship with my husband when he asked if I really needed to buy it) and was happy to find I remembered not only the song (moving violations – lations, lations, lations, when you move!), but most of the lines, and Don Cheadle's performance as the drive-thru window employee. I won't divulge the plot, because 1) it is irrelevant, and 2) I couldn't do it justice.

The bunch of misfits sent to traffic school are all friendly faces of the 80s, largely siblings of more famous stars. This is Sally Kellerman's finest role since Hot Lips Hoolihan, Nedra Volz (LUST IN THE DUST with Divine, EARTH GIRLS ARE EASY, "Different Strokes") invented dirty little old lady humor, and where has Brian Backer gone? I always dug him in POLICE ACADEMY 4: CITIZENS ON PATROL, and FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH. How about Wendy Jo Sperber of "Bosom Buddies" and BACK TO THE FUTURE? Remember the days when Meg Tilly was hot stuff and Jennifer was just her bimbette sister? Also yukking it up is James Keach, who is Jane Seymour's husband, Stacy Keach's little brother, and surely Thomas Lennon's inspiration for "Reno 911"'s Lieutenant Dangle. And have we since seen a more bizarre sex scene than the clothes making out in NASA's no-gravity chamber? Also hilarious is John Murray (brother of Bill) who had me laughing non-stop. If you think the POLICE ACADEMY movies are the nadir of civilization, you may want to skip this one, but if you inexplicably love them, like I do, buy or rent this immediately.

Lies of the Heart: The Story of Laurie Kellogg (1994 TV Movie)

Depress fest

[4/10 · 3 October 2005]

Jennie Garth's Lifetime movie was scandalizing me more and more with every campy, trailer-trashy minute (she's only 16, the age for statutory rape in Pennsylvania in 1981 was 14, and the Ted Bundy-looking love interest paid her step-father $500 for her!), but, as is usually the case, the naïve, teen, falling in love stuff was my favorite part (her rebellious makeover consisted solely of taking off her headband), and then it became increasingly un-fun as Jennie's 44-year-old boyfriend becomes less humorously abusive (shoving her nose in her messes, and telling her to diet so he doesn't have to trade her in for a younger model, which would make the new girl about 8), and more and more of an intolerable monster. It was only hurt by the fact that Jennie can act. It delved into an even darker place as Alexis Arquette (not in drag) confessed to a teen friend that while he was in jail he was passed around and raped every day! Then, my 8-year-old theory comes true when Ted Bundy starts molesting the young girls that Jennie baby-sits! Then, Jennie gets pregnant and doesn't want an abortion, so Ted Bundy threatens "to take a coat hanger to it"! Once Ted is murdered, Alexis takes the stand to tell about the game they played called 101 Ways to Kill Bruce Kellogg, and Jennie gets 25 years in prison. Woman-hating-judge.

The only positive thing I can say for this movie is that I have never seen people go to the skating rink so much, and since skating rinks represent complete and total bliss to me, skate Jennie, skate! This was not the laughing at other people's misery and stupidity fest that I hoped it would be, and I think Cinnamon Toast Crunch is thinking the same thing, because listening to a detailed description of a husband threatening to beat his children (one of whom happened to be Haley Joel Osment) to death then fading to a commercial that declares, "This program is brought to you by Cinnamon Toast Crunch," doesn't make me crave cinnamon and sugar. My theory is CTC's company General Mills thought this was the story of a member of the Kellogg's Cereal family, and they were trying to be subversive by advertising during it. Boy, did that backfire.

Musical montages: none, a sure sign that a "film" means to be taken seriously. Boooooo

The Stranger Beside Me (1995 TV Movie)

Amazing

[5/10 · 3 October 2005]

The characters do ridiculous things that no one in real life would ever do, but if it saves me from a boring second act, realism shmealism. This one is about a woman who has been raped, who marries a guy who is peeping tom! (He is also briefly a gorilla.) When he is arrested for peeping, he and Tiffani start keeping a journal together of where he should be every day, to keep him on track so that he won't peep again, but instead he turns into a rapist, as they all do on Lifetime. While I was a little disappointed to lose the unique peeping plot, I was thrilled when he basically kisses her on the cheek and tells her he's dashing out for a jog and a rape. Be back in a jiff, hon! She knows he's the rapist, he knows she knows, and he keeps rubbing her face in it by, for instance, laying his gun and rope on the table in front of her. It got a little dark when Alyson Hannigan confesses that he molested her when she was a kid and warns Tiffani to protect her new-born daughter from him (!), but it was played for suspense instead of misery. Gerald McRaney is quite likable as a paraplegic, and country music singer Lorrie Morgan plays one of the navy-men's wives. If you want a true-story message Lifetime movie, this one won't butter your bread, but if you like 'em fluffy like I do, give this one a shot.

Roll Bounce (2005)

Weakness for Sweetness

[6/10 · 3 October 2005]

The most popular skating movies preceding this are ROLLERBALL, PRAYER OF THE ROLLERBOYS, and SOLARBABIES, but those were all about futuristic, post-apocalyptic tales and did not have soundtracks with "Le Freak", "Emotion", "Hollywood Swingin'", and "Bounce, Rock, Skate, Roll". I love a skate-off, dance-off, rap-off ending, but after this, I will accept no less than the villain ripping off his shirt once he completes the ultimate routine, as SWEEEEETness (Wesley Jonathan) does. Somehow, Nick Cannon isn't playing Sweetness (who has a pack of groupies with matching "Weakness for Sweetness" jackets), but the roller-skate rental Lothario who hands out skates bigger than your actual size to make the ladies think you're well-endowed. We've also got Wayne Brady, as he looked in that beer commercial when he went to 70s night with some friends in an afro, but it was actually 70's night for people in their 70's, and Charlie Murphy as a garbage man. Bow Wow, does have charisma and some moves, but his gang outshined him. My favorite was afro-sporting "Naps", the only one I recognized was the kid from HOLES, the girl who played brace-faced "Tori" is the new Tisha Campbell, and Meagan Good (6 years older than Bow Wow – the ages are a mess in this movie), as "Naomi", is the new Gabrielle Union. I was a fan of director Malcolm D. Lee's UNDERCOVER BROTHER too, and the only low point of ROLL BOUNCE was the father-son relationship, which was wayyyy too serious for the rest of the movie.

Who's the Caboose? (1997)

Thank goodness for TRIO

[6/10 · 3 October 2005]

I caught this feature film mockumentary about a female comedian (Sarah Silverman) moving to New York from LA for pilot season on TRIO, along with its TV series. David Cross, Kathy Griffin, and Andy Dick all make appearances, and it is pretty funny. Not as funny, however, as "Pilot Season", a spin-off of WHO'S THE CABOOSE?, with most of the same people, and guest appearances by Matt Besser of the Upright Citizens Brigade, and Isla Fisher of WEDDING CRASHERS. I am loathe to say that the most fascinating part of the film was being reminded of what Kathy Griffin looked like pre-plastic surgery, but it was. After that, though, I was impressed by the knowledge that Sarah Silverman would have a great movie career if only everyone stopped casting her as the bitch (her character name in WAY OF THE GUN is actually "Raving Bitch"), a fact that is a joke on "Pilot Season".

Camp Cucamonga (1990 TV Movie)

Summer camp for TV stars

[5/10 · 3 October 2005]

This is a made-for-TV movie from a delicious time period. NBC was putting their TV series' stars, mostly the teens, into fluffy TV movies sharing audiences and marketing costs (same concept as "Hope & Faith" being and "Regis & Kelly"). I encourage everyone to seek these out, though some (like CLASS CRUISE starring Billy Warlock) have simply disappeared. The best, in my opinion, are DANCE 'TIL DAWN and CAMP CUCAMONGA (both now available on DVD). Where else can you see Candace Cameron, Chad Allen, Jennifer Aniston, Jaleel White (Steve Urkel to those in the know), Paul from "The Wonder Years", Winnie from "The Wonder Years", Eric from "Head of the Class", and Sherman Hemsley all in the same place? Inarguably the most memorable moment is the fantastic rap video performed by the kids, "Camp Cucamonga is the place that's hip!"

Against Their Will (1994 TV Movie)

Possibly the best Lifetime movie ever made

[5/10 · 2 September 2005]

When this movie opens, all one can think is, "Is Judith Light going to wear that horrible Little Orphan Annie wig throughout the entire movie?" The answer is yes. She works hard for her money in this Lifetime movie about an ex-addict and ex-convict set up by an ambitious attorney boyfriend who sends her back to the slamma'. Once there, she sees there have been some changes. What these changes are, it isn't really clear, but we trust that hardened criminal Light knows what she's talking about. Turns out, the guards are buying gifts for the inmates in exchange for sex. This doesn't sound too bad to me, because the women seem to have crushes on their guards. These courtships sour, though, when the guards take the sex if the gals don't give it up. There are other abuses too, I guess, but, as one of the guards says, "It's all about the sex." That's the beautiful thing about this movie, which had me frequently pausing to hug my pillow and scream with delight, "This is the best movie ever made! I love it! I love it! I love it!" All of the boring taking on the system parts are left out and all of the wonderful being impregnated by the guards, fighting in the cafeteria, and Judith singing "And the rock-ets red glare!" while being strapped down to a gurney parts are left in. At times, the film will just cut to her with blood on her face and we have no idea how it got there, nor do we care. You know you've got a great movie on your hands when Stacey Keach is a mere distraction. There are 3 (!) suicides – 2 fail, and the other might be a murder, the "suits" are hilarious, there are lesbians who just hug in the background, the music morphs is an impressive country riff, mouthy Judith twice gets in the way of men protective of their promotions, and a guard licks an inmate's face (also seen in T2, is this a thing that guards are into?). Another guard actually tells a girl to, "Respect my authoritah!" Other memorable quotes include:

"Before prison, I couldn't even change my lighter fluid. Now I'm making steel doors." "Pull up your pants and get back to work." "I forgot to thank you for the sneakers and panties." "What are you going to do for me Lawyer Lips." (I could've misheard this one, but I hope not.) "We've still got a long way to go." (Not funny until they for some reason burst into hysterical laughter about it.)

Watch it immediately.

The Preppie Murder (1989 TV Movie)

What are YOU doing here?

[3/10 · 2 September 2005]

This movie is semi-engrossing, featuring a Brat Pack that never could have been. It is certainly worth watching (in fast forward) to marvel at this strange amalgam of stars that don't really go together - two Heathers from HEATHERS, Sandy Bullock, Lara Flynn Boyle. William Devane is as smarmy as ever; Danny Aiello is simultaneously a sensitive cop and an ass with an inferiority complex (bizarre combination). The Chris Isaak soundtrack (was this a big enough movie to have a big recording artist do the soundtrack?) only adds to the movie's surreality, as does the presence of feisty Joanna Kerns, who clearly has a thing for Billy. I'll admit I was drawn to Billy Baldwin's murderous magnetism, but then I started to think about how dangerous that can be. Remember SLIVER? Remember FLATLINERS?

Cursed (2005)

SCREAM 4, anyone?

[3/10 · 2 September 2005]

My attention drifted in and out, and I constantly felt the heavy hand of a studio trying to clone SCREAM - too many WB stars, and stars in general, some scenes lifted directly from SCREAM. Though I think we all knew Joshua Jackson was the werewolf from his first scene, he made a good werewolf, so I was fine with it. Some moments were wholly entertaining, like most of Jesse Eisenberg's scenes (this movie may have been better if it were just a revamped I WAS A TEENAGE WEREWOLF), and the initial attack at the car in the blatantly artificial Wolfman-like set, but the tone was haphazard. All signs point to a studio trying to please every single possible audience member, and not pleasing anyone. I would have liked to see what Craven could do with a werewolf movie if they just left him alone.

The Garbage Pail Kids Movie (1987)

Tangerine, Juice, and Fashion!

[1/10 · 29 August 2005]

What do those things have to do with the Garbage Pail Kids? Heck if I know, but they are the basis for the whole plot. This is one of those movies that will never go away, because you pick it up thinking it is going to be funnier, grosser, and just better than it is, but I'm here to tell you its awful. You won't trust me. It is too allurring to not watch it for yourself, but you'll regret it. Mackenzie Astin cries frequently, is a foot shorter than his love interest, wins over a girl named Tangerine by designing Michael Jackson jackets, and distracts a bully by twirling a basketball on his finger, which should all have me rolling on the floor laughing hysterically, but instead I just stare aghast at the TV wondering if it would be better if the whites of the Kids' eyes maybe be white instead of dingy yellow. The GPK are so awkward, innocent, and happy, as they sing songs about team work, that you feel guilty laughing at them. Isn't there supposed to be violence, and maybe lewdness beyond the average PG potty humor? The character Valerie Vomit doesn't even vomit until the very end of the movie, but Windy and Nat sure do fart and pee a lot. Anyone have any ideas about why they came from a garbage-pail-rocket in space, yet they now reside in a magician's antique shop? Me neither.

Alibi (1997 TV Movie)

"Throw your bikini in your purse. I'm taking you to paradise."

[3/10 · 29 August 2005]

Was it foreshadowing when Tori complained that her first boyfriend was treating her like a robot, and then her new boyfriend (the murderer) turned out to be a designer of artificial intelligence? I think so. Scenes to make you squeal with delight: montages galore, a strip-tease in a kimono (what do you call it when you seductively put clothes on, instead of take them off?), and a climactic battle on skis! Definitely tune in for the beginning and end, but you can grab a sandwich during the second act when all the plot is happening. Is it better than CO-ED CALL GIRL? Nah. Does Tori ever make it to paradise, or out of the snow, even? Nope.