pencritical Reviews

American Gigolo (2022)

Not what I expected at all

[8/10 · 18 September 2022]

I didn't plan on watching this, and I didn't think I would like it. I'm not a Bernthal fan (far from it) and I didn't like the original movie. However... it was a good night to too be lazy to find the remote and turn it off. It came on and for the first few minutes I rolled my eyes a lot watching the prison cell and prison yard scenes that begin the pilot. To be fair the first five minutes are trite, boring and typical of that type of scene. Then there's a twist I didn't see coming and I found myself riveted even though the pacing took a bit to find its sea legs.

This isn't Richard Gere's American Gigolo. Not even close. The plot in the original was thin and the movie was, let's face it, more about seeing Gere without a shirt on than anything resembling edge of your seat action and suspense. This version varies a bit from the original, which is about the "gigolo" fighting to prove his innocence. This begins with Julian/John (Bernthal) being unexpectedly released from prison after confessing to a crime he doesn't remember, but isn't sure he didn't commit. (I hope this isn't considered a spoiler - it is info that is in the description).

It is overall, darker and seamier, better directed and features better cinematography and pacing than the original. I don't know if they will continue to deviate with the "storyline" of the original, but we'll see. I usually despise lots of bouncing around with timelines, but this is very well done and I didn't get lost and wonder what timeline I was in at any point. Also, the glimpses of Julian/John's past really help drive the story and help you to know who he is and why he is the way he is. The scene where he goes home to visit his mother switches back and forth seamlessly and yet I was still both revolted and sad as the director intended I be. Don't worry, if you like beefcake, there is plenty of that for all of us ladies.

I mentioned I don't much like Jon Bernthal. I never have. I have actually avoided watching him in the last few years because I found his acting coarse, and one-dimensional and every part over-acted. Put it this way: his casting in the starring role guaranteed this wasn't on my fall watch list when it otherwise would have been and if they hadn't killed him off in the Walking Dead I probably would have stopped watching. Having said that, I am seeing another side of Bernthal that is either a product of seasoning and experience, better directing, or I just missed it before.

Whatever it is, the show has promise and that elusive je ne sais quoi that makes for tv gold. We'll see...

Dune (2021)

Finally a movie that does Frank's masterpiece justice.

[9/10 · 4 November 2021]

When this ended, my roommate turned to me and was shocked to see tears in my eyes. He asked me what about that made you cry.. My reply, "Frank didn't get to see his masterpiece finally brought to life." Enough said.

Deadwater Fell (2020)

This was so boring even Tennant couldn't save it.

[3/10 · 25 June 2020]

When I was in late elementary school a little boy was killed in a tragic accident that unseated the entire community and most of the county. People who had never met him were heartbroken and the ones who were close to the family were completely bereft. The pain was so palpable you felt it wherever you went.

In stark contrast, the reaction to the deaths of that entire family in this show was wooden. I was so bored I fell asleep not once, not twice, but three times during the first episode. I had to keep restarting it. I finally made it through the first one, but even though I had recorded it to watch the entire thing in a binge, I deleted all the rest unwatched.

I love a good mystery, and maybe this was, but the acting was so boring I found after that first episode I just didn't care enough to find out who the murderer was.

Gemini Man (2019)

Tired of reading reviews written by GOT season 8 haters

[8/10 · 25 June 2020]

First off, yes, I agree GOT season 8 sucked. Badly. You can blame it all one one guy or not, but frankly if all of you hate the guy so much why watch this movie? Or did you, actually? Seems more like all the DB haters are just here to pile on more hate and frankly I quit reading any review that mentions him.

Two, you haters are all jaded pieces of crap that have forgotten the joy of just watching a movie for special effects I mean why else would anyone watch Star Wars or its ilk. This movie is amazing just for the realistic younger version of Will..

True that it is never going to win any awards for movie script/plot or acting, but just think how far special effects have come. Blows my mind almost as much as Avatar did - just because we can make something like it. Perhaps it's because I was brought up in a world where Gilligan's Island was not reruns, but I think it's pretty sad that my 60 year old self is less jaded than you 20-30 somethings..

So my review is this, it was an enjoyable, but typical action movie long on action, short on plot. When are they not? But it is a movie that should be watched and appreciated for what is great about it. A decade ago no one could have made this and even if it isn't perfect, keeping in mind the reality that there is no young Will Smith, but effects played over another actor, I think it was a great watch. T

Take a chill pill and enjoy the movie. If you want to watch Les Miz, then go. This isn't that and I've never seen an action movie that was. They are all just like this..

Then again, I'll always have soft spot for the loveable Fresh Prince. .

Carnage (2011)

Fantastic acting, but I fell asleep watching it. It has no plot.

[4/10 · 30 August 2019]

I wanted to watch this and I went into it with the memory of 12 Angry Men in the back of my mind. It's not even in the same universe. If I went to see a movie just for great acting this would be one to see. I don't however, I watch movies for entertainment and this thing bored the snot out of me. I didn't get half-way through it before I gave up and kind of f/f skipped to the end watching bits here and there. It didn't get any better. It's depressing, annoying and sad. I'm not sure what the point was supposed to be. If it had any sort of plot other than adults acting ridiculous over their children I guess I fell asleep through it. Normally, I would give it 1 star, but the actors were great at what they were doing, so one each. Next time put them together in something with a plot.

Captive State (2019)

Family is not defined by blood, but family is everything.

[8/10 · 27 July 2019]

I so rarely write a good review. Seems like the squeaky wheel always gets the grease. This, dark little apocalyptic gem is an exception. It both has an hasn't been done before. I've seen all of it in bits and pieces elsewhere, but the way the story gets woven together in a smart and suspenseful way is new, the twist at the end was almost a surprise and for the most part the acting is very good. John Goodman rarely ever disappoints me. He is a legend.

Give it a go if you like a smart, heady dystopian yarn, but don't expect a lot of gore or tons of cgi or action scenes. There is some of each, but it isn't the point and in my opinion this is better for it. A lot of times low budget movies depend too much on cheap theatrics and fail to capture the charm they could have had. This one doesn't make that mistake. It depends on good acting, decent plot and not giving us dessert first to keep us interested.

The gist of the story: Aliens have taken over the earth. Some (very few) of us are still fighting back. It is a very steep hill and many of our own people stand in our way. In the end family is not defined by blood, but family is everything.

This doesn't answer every question and leaves room for a sequel. I wouldn't mind one and I would watch it, but I find that one isn't really necessary even not knowing all the answers.

Desolate (I) (2018)

Predictable and truly awful

[1/10 · 22 July 2019]

Desolate supposedly takes place in a land where no rain has fallen in forever, but there is grass -- brown grass. Evidently these dumb jack-knapes don't know what ground would look like when nothing grows for years. There wouldn't be ANY grass you morons. Try a desert, the outback? A tundra? Not the badlands... that grass is just summer dormant. Idiots make bad movies.

Anyway, bad settings aside, the story is asinine and boring as hell. A stupid idiot of a kid has three equally stupid and overbearing older brothers and a "shades of Deliverance type" stupid father who all insist he tow the line, which up until this point he evidently hasn't been doing but suddenly feels the need to do now?

Stuff as expected goes from bad to worse. There is a girl. There is stolen money. There are bad guys. There is betrayal. There is more betrayal. There is a lot of death. The comatose stupid kid is a hero under it all. All the people who should live do except one sacrificial good guy. Blah, Blah, Blah. Does it sound familiar? It should. You've seen it before. It bored you then. It will bore you now. Don't bother.

Criminal Minds (2005– )

Without Gibson the show is rudderless. I don't watch anymore.

[9/10 · 16 May 2019]

First of all: I'm not commenting on whether or not what Gibson did or didn't do deserved the punishment he got. Not my place. I wasn't there and I have no business judging. I just miss his character. Full stop.

Right or wrong, the show sucks without Thomas Gibson. I tried to like it. I stuck with it for awhile, but I just can't get into Paget Brewster. She annoys me. I don't know why. Maybe just because I think the role of team leader belongs to Gibson. Mostly though, I think it is because she is so quick to break all the rules. She would never have survived in any government agency long enough to become a team leader -- at least not from my experience. Then Gubler's character went AWOL most of the time and Shemar quit and I gave it up completely.

Gerald's Game (2017)

A Very Rare Movie for me - Here's why

[7/10 · 9 September 2018]

I don't really know what kind of detail counts as a spoiler so be warned this might have one - but just a vague one.

I adore Stephen King. I adore his writing, his sense of humor, his politics, his wit, I even like his dog, the thing of evil. But I didn't like Gerald's Game or the Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon -- terribly boring books. Hey, you can't be perfect, Stephen. You're scary enough already and that is a compliment.

So, I watched this anyway and a very strange thing happened. I liked it. I liked it much better than I did the book, which is something that almost never happens. In fact, I can only think of one other time that has happened: The Handmaid's Tale - which is a depressing drivel of a tale that I despise - and yet, I love, love, love the TV show. Usually it's the other way round and I'm sure it is for most people. However this movie brings what I think the book was trying to do into focus and what I missed in the book makes sense now. I'm going to go back and read it again when I have a minute and I'm guessing I'll find more to like this time around.

Still not sure about the Tom Gordon book though. Weird stuff that. Baseball and bears, nah.

Anyway, give the movie a go, but don't expect your typical Stephen King horror and gunk fest. This one is more internal horror and very much about the terrors of the soul and mind. It's good, but for adrenaline junkies it will move too slowly and it has literally no gore, unless you count a pool of blood and a very hungry dog doing what hungry dogs do.

In closing I wanted to give a nod to the great performances by Carla Gugino (amazing) and Bruce Greenwood (he's not only great, but still drool worthy at his age).

The Outpost (2018–2021)

It's raw, but it is better than rated and has potential

[7/10 · 9 September 2018]

Don't watch the first ten minutes. Fast forward out of the bar scene that begins the series. It is inane and stupid. After that the show is much better. I have no idea why they opened with such a crappy scene. It is poorly staged and poorly acted and they could have introduced the character and theme in a thousand other ways. But onwards...

I did almost turn it off before it got any further, but I stuck it out and it does get better. Quite a bit, in fact. It isn't Lord of the Rings and it sure as hell isn't Game of Thrones and doesn't pretend to be, but it isn't nearly as bad as so much television fantasy is and it is getting better. The lead actress is finding her feet and there is some great supporting cast to go along with her. The story is old and has been done, but that doesn't make it uninteresting as long as it is told well. Let's face it, we all still go see the new King Arthur movie, though we've seen two dozen before...

If you like on screen fantasy in the Lord of the Rings style and you are willing to give this time to find its feet, then give it a go. I'm enjoying it and hoping it sticks around awhile cause I see a bit of potential. I like it.

Little Miss Sunshine (2006)

Almost Didn't Watch it. Should Have Listened to that Intuition

[2/10 · 4 July 2018]

When this movie came out I saw the reviews, heard the hype, knew it was nominated for top awards and just didn't see the reason for it. It didn't interest me anymore than Juno and I still have not watched that. Probably never will. I do wish I had continued to listen to my intuition, but this movie is on my shelf, having been given to me as a gift somewhere along the way and I happened to see a trailer for it here last night as I was looking at something else, so I thought, what the heck. Maybe.

What was I thinking? Definitely not. This movie did not leave me feeling good. It left me actually feeling repulsed and a bit like I needed a shower.

There is not much I can say nice about this movie. I'll try. I don't know the young man who played Dwayne (or was it Duane), but I love every other single actor in the movie. They are all wonderfully talented. How anyone could manage to put them together and come away with a movie so jaw-droppingly bad is beyond me.

I actually enjoyed Duane's little bit in the movie a bit, but it was only a tiny piece almost unrelated to the story and it wasn't much of a story at all.

There isn't much more to say that is nice, unfortunately and other critics have said it all. The jokes are lame and stolen from other shows. The end routine is not funny, it is stomach turning. I was rooting for the horrible lady to shut it down. The grandfather was disgusting and I am far from a prude - but seriously, you left that man alone with your seven year old when he talked like that in front of you with her present? How do you think a man like that talked when the parents weren't in the room?

I love Steve Carell, even though I despise his trite sitcom, The Office, (see note) but he had absolutely nothing to work with here. His story was trite and 'Jonah and the Whale tale' unbelievable. Toni Colette probably does ditzy lady better than any comedienne in the business since Carol Burnet retired, but you have got to give her something to work with and though Greg Kinnear's comedic chops are far inferior, he does make a good straight man when he has a good partner. But, again, you have to have an actual script to work with and a director with some respect for the actors he/she is directing. Obviously these actors had neither.

A couple of other things: If I have to watch them push that van one more time I think I'll barf. We get it. Enough already. Not funny the first time . But neither was stealing grandpa's body, the cop not noticing it, or six dozen other stupid jokes. And for heaven's sake, you are driving through some of the most beautiful country on earth and all you show is gas stations and asphalt? The cinematography is atrocious. Especially the little girl make up in the end. Yes they wear too much make up. Not that much.

Enough rehash of what all this movies critics have already said more eloquently than I can. I hated the movie. I felt bad for Abigail who is a doll. Next time my gut says don't bother; I resolve to remember to listen, even over a decade later. If you've never made the mistake of watching this- Don't.

Note: Don't read anything into my not liking The Office. It's just me. I haven't liked a sitcom since Mash except Will and Grace and Third Rock and I only kind of liked both of them. I didn't like W&G well enough to tune back in to the reboot...

Our Cartoon President (2018–2020)

Boring tired jokes, but funny graphics

[4/10 · 20 February 2018]

This is tired, boring and decidedly not very funny. I wanted it to be. I despise Dump and all he stands for, but bad television is still bad television whatever the subject matter. I will say that I am tired of some folks going on and on about how our current Piece Of Total Useless Snot sitting in the oval office won the vote of half the country and we should shut up. First of all, free speech, so even if he actually did what you imply, which he did not, those of us who do not like the white trash in the oval can spend as much time complaining as those who did not like the previous president were free to do. Check yourselves. It's our right. Why don't you shut up and find some tolerance for the right to free speech like you told us to do from 2008 to 2016? I particularly love the ones who complain to me about not supporting the president of our country and in the next breath tell me Obama is a Muslim (he isnt, but if was - so what? Freedom of religion - or did ya forget that?) Hypocrite much?

To the more relevant point, Dump did not win the votes of half the country. Only 60% of the country voted. And while that was a better than average turnout, there are 232 million eligible voters and only 139 million of them voted. Dump got 46.1% of the ones that voted - 62,979,636 votes, but he couldn't even get half of them as his opponent beat him in the popular vote, taking 48.2% of the vote and trouncing him by 2,864,974 votes. When figured nationally, he got 27.14% of the eligible voter pool in the entire country. No matter how you spin it, it doesn't equal half of anything unless you are a Bush throwback and you like fuzzy math.

Anyway, back to the show. It's not worth your time. Stick with SNL or late night talk shows. They are more up to date, on topic and genuinely funny. This show is just seeking to cash in on our country's misfortunes and they're too lazy to do it right. On the bright side, I will agree with one reviewer's side note: The graphics are fairly priceless for screenshots. For the artistry alone I gave it four stars.

Queen of the South (2016–2021)

Breaking Bad meets the Sopranos. Love it.

[10/10 · 24 November 2017]

Not everyone is going to love this show as much as I do, but I find it one of the best things on television today. I have been riveted to almost every episode. There is intrigue and twists and turns that I don't see coming but there is a lot that I do. I do wish some of the plot wasn't so obvious, but it is after all, about a drug cartel, so I suppose there is only so much you can do. I thought the little fantasy/paranormal bit they threw in was kind of interesting and right in keeping with the Latin culture. Season two started a little slowly, but once it got moving it was fantastic and I am excited to find out what happens in the upcoming season. If you are a racist and you do not like Latinos, you are going to hate this, but no one cares what you like anyway. To the rest of you normal, well adjusted people. This is a great show. Give it a try, but make sure the kiddies are all in bed first.

My Kitchen Rules (2017)

Such a Disappointment, Do not waste your time.

[1/10 · 19 January 2017]

Let me start by saying that I have watched every season of MKR Australia with Chefs Pete Evans and Manu Fidel and an endless stream of colorful everyday people who wanted nothing more than to compete and win the title of MKR. Some for fame, some to start their own restaurants, some just wanted the money to start a family, but with few exceptions, they were all a joy to watch. The good ones and the bad ones. Why? Because they were all real and they all wanted one thing. They wanted to COOK! They welcome us into their homes and we watch them feed the chefs some pretty nasty stuff and in the weeks that follow they learn and they grow until and along the way you get to know them. You come to love them or to hate them and you also get to learn a little bit too.

So, when I discovered, that at long last, MKR was coming to the USA, I was beyond thrilled. But, this isn't MKR. This show doesn't even resemble MKR. This show is just more tawdry, empty-headed, Hollywood junk. These people can't cook -- THEY ARE ENTERTAINERS -- and what's worse--these people don't even want to cook. They just wanted another chance to get their ugly mugs on the screen. Maybe I missed it, but I don't even recall there being a prize mentioned.

It's just like Masterchef USA. Same thing there. A rip off of the name with absolutely none of the substance. I don't know why the idiots in Hollywood can't seem to figure out that half the country doesn't watch their stuff because we have an IQ that is above that of your average ape. We actually pay to download the stuff from other countries, because this stuff, like so much reality television that comes out of this country is canned drivel.

Do yourself a favor. Download MKR Australia. Don't waste your time with this stuff unless you just want to watch Lance Bass and Brandi be stupid on screen. If that is what you are looking for, you'll be happy.

and p.s. Not sure if this counts as a spoiler or not, but just in case, spoiler alert: Naomi Judd is certainly a rude person. She actually gave the real housewives piece of trash a run for her money.

Lastly, Cat Cora, I expected nothing less, but Curtis, I am seriously ashamed of you. I honestly thought you were better than this.

Strangerland (2015)

A long, long fuse that goes out before it reaches the ending

[2/10 · 4 December 2015]

I gave this movie two stars. The first because the acting isn't bad and the second for some beautiful scenery. I am feeling generous.

I absolutely despise movies that drag on forever and then don't end. It's lazy writing and it's so annoying. This is one of of those. This hints over and over again at some big secret, tempts us with references to some dark aboriginal magic, alludes to skeletons in every closet, but in the end, none of that made it into the script. As with way too many films these days you waste two hours of your life and then the movie just stops. You get to write your own ending with your imagination. You never find out what really happened or exactly why it happened. So you spend all that time waiting for that twist and walk out feeling like you watched two hours of acting class.

I think mystery thrillers that do not have a solid ending should have a disclaimer on the DVD case.

Bottom line, this movie will bore the heck out of you and leave you frustrated to boot. Don't waste your time and money.

Magic Mike (2012)

No plot and horrible acting

[2/10 · 3 November 2012]

I was really looking forward to this film. I wanted to see a funny and uplifting movie and I thought this sounded awesome. It wasn't. It was just awful. A waste of 90 minutes or so of my life.

About the only thing good about this film is the dancing, which, was at best, just OK. The script should have ended up on the junk pile. The movie goes absolutely nowhere and is filled with characters I couldn't care less about.

Channing Tatum was mediocre, but then he always is. I can't see what anyone sees in him besides the body. He's not attractive and after seeing several films he has starred in, I'm still unconvinced he has any acting talent at all. I watched him in 21 Jump Street and almost threw up when he stuck out his tongue (ever hear of a tongue scraper dude? - OMG - NASTY). But, he shines in comparison to Alex Pettyfer, who's character portrayal was one of the most boring performances I have seen on screen in ten years. The no name that plays Pettyfer's sister wasn't much better. Over the top line delivery of over the top lines.

Matthew McConaughey was gorgeous, but even he couldn't pull a rabbit out of that script. The writing was excruciatingly bad and completely unbelievable.

I wouldn't recommend it. Not even if you are really bored. Go for a walk instead, or go watch grass grow. I guarantee you it will be more fun.

The Vow (2012)

Ultimately a depressing and spirit-killing rag of a movie.

[2/10 · 26 April 2012]

The movie is blah and pretty boring. There is zero chemistry between the stars. The set director seems to think messy is what an authentic apartment in the city looks like and the whoever was in charge of wardrobe should be made to wear those hideous outfits for the next year.

The only reason this didn't get a one from me is that it really does capture that "hometown in the big city" essence of some of the neighborhoods in Chicago.

The following contains general spoilers, not specifics.

What really turned me off about this movie was that anyone thought this story was inspiring enough to put it on screen. I was shocked when I found out it was based proudly on a real story. Let me tell you I would not want to know the woman who was the inspiration for Paige.

The movie portrayed Paige after the accident, but they don't really show us much of what she as like before the accident. The few glimpses give us the impression that she was a woman who loved life and honored the bond of marriage. I don't buy it. Losing your memory may change things, but, it does not change your underlying personality. Paige didn't turn into a selfish, uncaring _itch. She probably always was one.

A decent woman would have put some effort into recovering her marriage and would have, at the very least, had some respect for the man she was married to. This woman didn't care that she was ripping this poor man's heart out. She cared for no one but herself. At least as far as the movie was concerned, she never gave much thought to anyone but herself. She was, after all, not the only one who was going through a traumatic, life-changing experience and she was not the only one injured in the car crash. If this story is actually true, my heart goes to the woman's real family.

This should never have been immortalized in film. It is the very epitome of the "me" generation.

The best part of the movie for me was when the end credits finally started rolling so we could leave.