Conan-esque
by karlee1981 | created - 3 weeks ago | updated - 2 weeks ago | PublicConan the Barbarian 1982 - A glorious epic of sleaze, violence, bewbs, macho power fantasy, severed heads, and persistent glorification of physical strength. All in a brutal world of weird fantasy. If it's your favorite movie, you're probably a facist incel. But if you don't like it at all, you're probably lame and boring. In the years after its release, Hollywood suits who didn't 'get it' pumped out multiple rip-offs (Beastmaster, Ator, Yor, Sheena, Deathstalker). All had conan-like main characters and all took place in conan-esque worlds, but all lacked the imagination, the ambition, and the creative guts. They even tried adapting Robert E. Howard's other characters, Red Sonia and Kull, with little success. Here are some productions that 'get it'. Most aren't ripoffs, but they each share at least a few of those elements that made Conan '82 great.
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1. Conan the Barbarian (1982)
R | 129 min | Action, Adventure, Fantasy
A powerful warrior seeks to avenge the genocide of his people and the murder of his parents at the hands of a snake cult.
Director: John Milius | Stars: Arnold Schwarzenegger, James Earl Jones, Max von Sydow, Sandahl Bergman
Votes: 162,533 | Gross: $39.57M
2. The Spine of Night (2021)
Not Rated | 93 min | Animation, Action, Adventure
Ultra-violent, epic fantasy set in a land of magic follows heroes from different eras and cultures battling against a malevolent force.
Directors: Philip Gelatt, Morgan Galen King | Stars: Richard E. Grant, Lucy Lawless, Patton Oswalt, Betty Gabriel
Votes: 2,826
Less sleaze and more contemplative philosophizing. But all the weird fantasy and ultra-violence are on display.
81% on Rotten Tomatoes
3. Mandy (I) (2018)
Not Rated | 121 min | Action, Fantasy, Horror
The enchanted lives of a couple in a secluded forest are brutally shattered by a nightmarish hippie cult and their demon-biker henchmen, propelling a man into a spiraling, surreal rampage of vengeance.
Director: Panos Cosmatos | Stars: Nicolas Cage, Andrea Riseborough, Linus Roache, Ned Dennehy
Votes: 89,518 | Gross: $1.21M
90% on Rotten Tomatoes
The only film on this list set in our modern world. Regardless, it's filled with bloody violence and a quest for revenge against a creepy cult leader with vague magical powers.
4. The Northman (2022)
R | 137 min | Action, Adventure, Drama
A young Viking prince is on a quest to avenge his father's murder.
Director: Robert Eggers | Stars: Alexander Skarsgård, Nicole Kidman, Claes Bang, Ethan Hawke
Votes: 253,715 | Gross: $34.23M
90% on Rotten Tomatoes
High-end, artsy Conan.
5. Conan the Destroyer (1984)
PG | 103 min | Action, Adventure, Fantasy
Conan leads a ragtag group of adventurers on a quest for a princess.
Director: Richard Fleischer | Stars: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Grace Jones, Olivia d'Abo, Wilt Chamberlain
Votes: 85,357 | Gross: $31.04M
It's not that bad. Just kinda middle-of-the-road and generic. Still super violent for a PG movie (PG-13 having not been created yet)
6. Fire and Ice (1983)
PG | 81 min | Animation, Adventure, Fantasy
At the end of the ice age, an evil queen and her son are set on conquering the world using magic and warriors. The lone survivor of a crushed village fights back as does the king of Fire Keep.
Director: Ralph Bakshi | Stars: Randy Norton, Cynthia Leake, Steve Sandor, Sean Hannon
Votes: 12,630 | Gross: $0.76M
7. Heavy Metal (1981)
R | 86 min | Animation, Adventure, Fantasy
A glowing green orb that embodies ultimate evil terrorizes a young girl with an anthology of bizarre and fantastic stories.
Directors: Gerald Potterton, John Bruno, John Halas, Julian Harris, Jimmy T. Murakami, Barrie Nelson, Paul Sabella, Jack Stokes, Pino Van Lamsweerde, Harold Whitaker | Stars: Richard Romanus, John Candy, Joe Flaherty, Don Francks
Votes: 38,167
All of the stories contain sleaze and major bewbage. But two of them stand out as particularly conan-esque. Den has the escapism and power fantasy. The final story, Taarna, has the raw creativity and epic feel.
8. Fist of the North Star (1986)
Not Rated | 110 min | Animation, Action, Drama
In a post-nuclear hellscape, a master of the deadly martial art "Hokuto Shinken" allies with two kids and an expert in "Nanto Suicho-Ken" to battle the tyrants who kidnapped his lover.
Director: Toyoo Ashida | Stars: Akira Kamiya, Yuriko Yamamoto, Kenji Utsumi, Chikao Ôtsuka
Votes: 7,293
All the sleazy bloody power fantasy, in Anime form.
79% on Rotten Tomatoes
9. Primal (2019– )
TV-MA | 22 min | Animation, Action, Adventure
A caveman and a dinosaur bond over shared tragedy and work together to survive in a perilous prehistoric world.
Stars: Aaron LaPlante, Laëtitia Eïdo, Fred Tatasciore, Imari Williams
Votes: 20,749
10. Exordium (2013)
8 min | Animation, Short, Fantasy
Rotoscope animated by hand, this gritty, violent, fantasy short follows a group of warriors as they face an immortal foe at the gates of a long since destroyed fortress. At stake in the ... See full summary »
Directors: Josh Jones, Morgan Galen King | Stars: Dannee Astin, Dave Hoffenson, Josh Jones, Mac Ridge
Votes: 193
short film prequel/beta-test for The Spine of Night
You can watch it on youtube.
11. Korgoth of Barbaria (2006 TV Short)
TV-MA | 22 min | Animation, Short, Action
Unsold TV pilot and a dark, violent and gory sword and sorcery spoof set in a postapocalyptic new dark age about a Conan-like barbarian warrior hired to steal a golden goblin from a dangerous wizard who lives in a tower in the sky.
Directors: Aaron Springer, Genndy Tartakovsky | Stars: Diedrich Bader, Corey Burton, John DiMaggio, Tom Kenny
Votes: 3,741
Comedy
12.
Mystery Science Theater 3000 (2017–2022)
Episode:
Ator, the Fighting Eagle
(2018)
TV-14 | Comedy, Drama, Horror
In part six of a Gauntlet six-movie binge, Jonah and the bots take on the 1982 film Ator, the Fighting Eagle: Ator battles giant spiders, swordsmen in shadows, zombie warriors, and witches.
Directors: Joel Hodgson, Rob Schrab | Stars: Felicia Day, Patton Oswalt, Jonah Ray, Baron Vaughn
Votes: 201
Comedy
The gang watches one of those Conan ripoffs of the eighties.
13.
Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988–1999)
Episode:
Outlaw of Gor
(1993)
TV-14 | 92 min | Comedy, Sci-Fi
A hero and his loser friend are transplanted to the planet of Gor and are soon caught up in an evil sorcerer's plot in Gor II (1988). Mike and the Bots are inspired to perform the song "... See full summary »
Director: Trace Beaulieu | Stars: Trace Beaulieu, Michael J. Nelson, Jim Mallon, Kevin Murphy
Votes: 549
Comedy
The gang watches one of those Conan ripoffs of the eighties.
14. Conquest (1983)
R | 88 min | Action, Adventure, Fantasy
A young man, armed with a magical bow and arrows, embarks on a mystical journey through a mystical land to rid it of all evil and joins forces with an outlaw to take down an evil witch bent on claiming the magic bow for evil.
Director: Lucio Fulci | Stars: Jorge Rivero, Andrea Occhipinti, Conrado San Martín, Violeta Cela
Votes: 2,801
Probably an only 420 movie.
Utter insanity ensues when Italian filmmakers who don't know the meaning of the word 'restraint' make a Conan Ripoff with ten times the sleaze, violence, and bewbage.
It truly deserves the 30% it has on Rotten Tomatoes, but boy will it make your brain melt.
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